Kevin’s Loan, Webisode 01

Kevin: Hey Oscar
Oscar: Yeah?
Kevin: When you get a loan, you don’t have to use it for exactly what you say you’re gonna, right?
Oscar: Yes, you do.
Kevin: No, but, I mean, once the bank gives you the money it is your money. You can use it for whatever you want, right?
Oscar: No, Kevin that would be fraud.

Oscar: Every few weeks we have the same conversation. “Oscar” “Yeah?” “Can I pawn off stuff from the office and sell it on eBay?” “Umm no, Kevin, you can’t.” “Can I say I was an astronaut and sell the movie rights?” What do you think Kevin? “Can I sell time shares of my garage?” “Can I rent out my mom’s car when she’s in Florida?” “Can I be the heir of uh …and and inherit lots of money?” What is he talking about?

Kevin: Let’s say you tell the bank that you’re going to open up an ice cream store but instead you buy an ice cream cart? Technically you are still selling ice cream.
Oscar: I know you have gambling debts.
Kevin: Gambling debts? What?
Oscar: Promise me you will not take out a small business loan and use that money to pay off your bookie.
Kevin: What’s a bookie? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. You are weird. You are a really weird dude, Oscar.

Kevin: Okay, Malone’s cones. This is going to be awesome. [Kevin almost trips on the sidewalk]

Bank employee: So, uh, this would be a loan for an ice cream store? Like Baskin Robbins?
Kevin: We will be selling ice cream.
Bank employee: Well I would hope so.
Kevin: The business will have a mobile component.
Bank employee: Yeah, I see you’ve underlined that several times here. Uh, what does that mean, you’ll deliver?
Kevin: In a way.
Bank employee: Okay, so other than delivery and the rhyming name what are we looking at exactly?
Kevin: We have flavors. [hands over a flavor menu to the banker]
Bank employee: Flavors, okay Fudge the Magic Dragon. What are the ingredients of that?
Kevin: Um, ice cream?
Bank employee: And you would make the ice cream yourself?
Kevin: We would buy the ice cream in a store. Or we would make it our self.
Bank employee: Do you know how to make ice cream?
Kevin: No.

Bank employee: I’ll be honest this stuff’s going in the recycling so… if he’s lucky we’ll shred it first to protect his social security number.

Bank employee: I have a lot questions.
Kevin: I have a lot questions for you too.
Bank employee: Really? What kind of questions?
Kevin: If you grant me this loan about how long will it take for me to have cash in hand?
Bank employee: Not something you’re going to have to worry about.
Kevin: Niiice.

Darryl: We got exposed wires up there. You can actually hear them sparking, okay? I said “Gimme a budget for repairs,” they said “Fix it yourself.” And we got metal beams touching metal shelves. First rainstorm it’s gonna be a warehouse full of dead people up in here. [Kevin sneaks through warehouse and out the back door] What the hell?

Bookie: So do you have it?
Kevin: I’ve got it.
Bookie: Let’s go. [opens envelope] Kevin this is just paper.
Kevin: Oh my God I think we’ve been the target of a sting operation.
Bookie: Come on Kevin, where’s the money?
Kevin: Are you wearing a wire?
Bookie: Come on, stop playing games. Get me the money.
Kevin: Please do not hurt me.
Bookie: I’m not going to hurt you. Do I look like I would hurt you? This is a terrible situation you got me into.
Kevin: I’m sorry just don’t be mad at me.
Bookie: I’m not going to be mad if you give me the money! Come on man! You have a nice new car, Kevin. Look at my car, it’s so old.
Darryl: Hey! [Darryl walks out]
Bookie: Get it okay? Look at this car! [gets in car and drives away]
Kevin: That little dude may hurt me if I don’t get that bank loan.
Darryl: Bank loan? What’s your business plan?
Kevin: I’m gonna sell ice cream out of a cart.
Darryl: That’s mad solid but, uh, you’re never gonna get that loan.
Kevin: Why not?
Darryl: Cause, you’re a nervous sweaty looking man, you know? You project failure.
Kevin: [nods] I know.
Darryl: Come into my warehouse, we’ll talk.

Darryl: I get a hundred up front plus another five-hundred more once I score the loan. Any other nervous sweaty people having money trouble, you know who to call.

Kevin: We need a secret signal that lets me know if I’m talking too much.
Darryl: If you hear words coming out of your mouth… that’s your signal.
Loan Officer: [female Loan Officer comes in] Hi. Thanks for waiting. [sits at desk] So, Malone’s Cones, sounds delicious.
Darryl: So you enjoy ice cream.
Loan Officer: Oh yeah, maybe a little too much.
Darryl: I can tell by your perfume you are a woman of distinction.
Kevin: You have a great… vest.
Darryl: Indeed you do have a vest of very high quality.
Loan Officer: Oh well thank you.
Darryl: I want you to experience something now. Taste the ice cream.
Kevin: Strawberry.
Loan Officer: Mmm, it tastes like Breyers.
Brad: [walks in] Hi, I’m sorry. We’ve already passed on this application.
Kevin: Hi Brad, how how are you? Great to see you again.
Brad: Mr. Malone.
Darryl: Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met.
Brad: This is the ice cream franchise? Yeah, we’re not interested.
Darryl: Before you say another word, I want you to taste the ice cream.
Brad: I’d rather not.
Darryl: Look if you taste this and turn us down like a man, cool… we walk out of here like none of this ever happened.
Brad: Can I ask you something? Did you make that or buy it from the store?
Kevin: Oh boy… [Kevin stands and drops his briefcase, papers spill everywhere, he makes a mess trying to clean them up] Sorry, don’t. Abort, abort. Brad.
Darryl: Its cool we don’t even need y’all. I sure my man has a back up plan.

Kevin: [outside the office with a cart, ringing a bell] Ice cream! Goooood ice cream! Oscar.
Oscar: You got the loan?
Kevin: No, I decided I would pay off my debts by selling ice cream.
Oscar: Good luck.
Stanley: How much for one?
Kevin: Ten dollars.
Stanley: Goodbye.
Kevin: Ice cream! Gooooood ice cream!