Season 8 – Episode 01 “The List”

Oscar: Oh, for God├óŌé¼Ōäós sake. [notices Erin planking on parking lot curb]

Oscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That├óŌé¼Ōäós it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.

Erin: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don├óŌé¼Ōäót.├é┬Ā And I don├óŌé¼Ōäót.├é┬Ā But I am so excited to be a part of it.

Andy: [exiting elevator] After you my good sir.
Dwight: No, I insist.
Andy: I insist.

Jim: The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California├óŌé¼┬” for the manager position. Who took one look around and left.├é┬Ā He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO… CEO… her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don├óŌé¼Ōäót really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.├é┬Ā├é┬Ā And he chose├óŌé¼┬”

Andy: [drumroll with hands] I├óŌé¼┬” it├óŌé¼Ōäós unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice├óŌé¼Ōäós first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, ├óŌé¼┼ōI need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.├óŌé¼┬Ø Smart, right?
Kelly: (planking on top of cabinet] Very smart.
Andy: Uh, this has got to stop.
Kelly: I can├óŌé¼Ōäót get down.

Dwight: K… Kevin! [Kevin planking on Dwight├óŌé¼Ōäós desk]

Dwight: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I├óŌé¼Ōäóve got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I├óŌé¼Ōäóve added boxing – lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I├óŌé¼Ōäóm doin├óŌé¼Ōäó great.

Dwight: K, I├óŌé¼Ōäóm gonna need some help. Pam?
Pam: I don├óŌé¼Ōäót think I should.

Jim: Oh, yeah. Pregnant.
Pam: Right here. Little Michael Scott- [points to her belly]
Jim: No, I told you I don├óŌé¼Ōäót like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.
Pam: Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.

Angela: Look, it├óŌé¼Ōäós a ├óŌé¼╦£Little Pregs├óŌé¼Ōäó [points to her belly] and ├óŌé¼╦£Big Pregs├óŌé¼Ōäó [points to Pam├óŌé¼Ōäós]
Pam: Wait, when did we start calling it that-
Angela: Isn├óŌé¼Ōäót it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
Pam: Well, I am a few months ahead of you.
Angela: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim… the great salesman.

Dwight: Hoist him aloft. C├óŌé¼Ōäómon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk]
Darryl: I├óŌé¼Ōäóm lifting.

Darryl: Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin├óŌé¼Ōäó much better. This soda. This is mine.

Stanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.

Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I├óŌé¼Ōäóm telling someone how to do somethin├óŌé¼Ōäó. I go on with a long description and then I say, ├óŌé¼┼ōand shove it up your butt.├óŌé¼┬Ø It├óŌé¼Ōäós stupid, but it├óŌé¼Ōäós my thing now.

Jim: No one should be planking at all.
Andy: Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?
Dwight: Say no more.

Dwight: [starts attacking plankers] Kids, don├óŌé¼Ōäót try planking. It├óŌé¼Ōäós dangerous. [knocks Toby off table] ├óŌé¼╦£Specially with me around.

Jim: You watching that commercial again? [Pam nods] Why do you keep watching it, if you know it├óŌé¼Ōäós just gonna make you cry?
Pam: Because everything makes me cry, so what├óŌé¼Ōäós the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.
Jim: He├óŌé¼Ōäós got a bank vault. That├óŌé¼Ōäós a start.
Pam: Not enough though.

Jim: The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he├óŌé¼Ōäós gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it├óŌé¼Ōäós not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It├óŌé¼Ōäós strange.

Erin: Here we go.
Robert: Hello.
Erin: Robert California. Let├óŌé¼Ōäós have a conversation.
Robert: Describe your day so far.
Erin: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Robert: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It├óŌé¼Ōäós a waste of your time. That├óŌé¼Ōäós how every day├óŌé¼Ōäós begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.
Erin: Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I├óŌé¼Ōäóve been doing this thing-
Andy: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.

Andy: First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don├óŌé¼Ōäót know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Erin: Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. [motions her over, both looking at Robert├óŌé¼Ōäós notebook]
Pam: Jim. [motions him over]
Jim: [motions he is on the phone] Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. [comes over] Okay. [sees notebook with two lists of staff names] What is this?

Andy: The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?
Robert: What are your thoughts.
Andy: Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women├óŌé¼Ōäós soccer, no?

Dwight: What are you looking at?
Jim: It├óŌé¼Ōäós, it├óŌé¼Ōäós nothing.
Dwight: It can├óŌé¼Ōäót be nothing.
Phyllis: Yeah, it can├óŌé¼Ōäót be nothing.
Jim:├é┬Ā It├óŌé¼Ōäós just a list of our names, split into two columns.
Stanley: What?
Jim: Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?
Erin: No.
Jim: No. Okay. Um, I├óŌé¼Ōäóll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Dwight: [throws hard, Jim doesn├óŌé¼Ōäót catch] Nice catch.
Pam: If he comes out, distract him. [takes list to copier]
Kevin: We need a warning signal.
Jim: We don├óŌé¼Ōäót need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-
Kevin: We do.
Jim: I promise you, we don├óŌé¼Ōäót need a warning-
Kevin: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Phyllis: Ahhh! [falls out of chair]
Dwight: Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
Phyllis: Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
Dwight: ├óŌé¼┬” 2, 3! [pulls Phyllis up]
Phyllis: Thanks guys.
Dwight: Okay, which side of the list am I on?
Jim: Left.
Dwight: Yes!
Jim: Why are you- How do you know?

Andy: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Jim: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert├óŌé¼Ōäós notebook.
Pam: He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Andy: Oh, okay. I don├óŌé¼Ōäót want any part of this.
Pam: Maybe it├óŌé¼Ōäós a list of people he├óŌé¼Ōäós gonna fire.
Jim: Okay, it├óŌé¼Ōäós not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.

Dwight: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here├óŌé¼Ōäós something. Who would eat who in an ├óŌé¼╦£Alive├óŌé¼Ōäó situation. No… that can├óŌé¼Ōäót be it.
Andy: I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side├óŌé¼Ōäós the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.
Jim: I don├óŌé¼Ōäót think it├óŌé¼Ōäós-
Pam: ├óŌé¼╦£Scuse me?
Dwight: Shhh, Pam. C├óŌé¼Ōäómon, don├óŌé¼Ōäót be such a right-sider.

Angela: Did you guys figure it out?
Andy: We couldn├óŌé¼Ōäót crack it.
Stanley: Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
Andy: He├óŌé¼Ōäóll know that we looked at his private notebook.
Phyllis: C├óŌé¼Ōäómon, just say you saw the list by accident.
Andy: I├óŌé¼Ōäóm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it├óŌé¼Ōäós starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Phyllis: Yeah, that├óŌé¼Ōäós all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?

Robert: [Andy continuously knocking on door] Yes, for god├óŌé¼Ōäós sake Andy. Yes, come in.
Andy: What├óŌé¼Ōäós up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert: Great. Thank you.
Andy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they├óŌé¼Ōäóre just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert: What is this?
Andy: It├óŌé¼Ōäós a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy: No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert: Ah, please. Here├óŌé¼Ōäós what it is. It├óŌé¼Ōäós a doodle.
Andy: What?
Robert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don├óŌé¼Ōäót you think? Well, I doodle too, but I├óŌé¼Ōäóm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert: Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Andy: Okay. Robert├óŌé¼Ōäós in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Meredith: Maybe we├óŌé¼Ōäóre s├óŌé¼Ōäóposed to do it with people in our group.
Jim: That├óŌé¼Ōäós not it.
Meredith: People in the other group.
Jim: Mmum, still wrong.
Andy: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?
Stanley: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ├óŌé¼╦£em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!
Andy: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.
Kevin: I know! It├óŌé¼Ōäós alphabetical.
Everyone: [separately] No.
Dwight: No, it├óŌé¼Ōäós not. Here├óŌé¼Ōäós how we find out. Let├óŌé¼Ōäós line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let├óŌé¼Ōäós just size each other up here and left side of the list├óŌé¼┬” ATTACK!
Jim: Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! [Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling]
Andy: Dwight!
Meredith: Hey!
Kevin: Warning! Warning! Warning!
Robert: [enters room, everyone quiets and separates] I├óŌé¼Ōäód like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
Dwight: That├óŌé¼Ōäós great. Let├óŌé¼Ōäós do this guys.
Jim: Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.
Pam: I love you so much. [starting to cry]
Jim: Hey. It├óŌé¼Ōäós nothing. Alright? I├óŌé¼Ōäóll text you when we get there. Let you know what├óŌé¼Ōäós going on.
Pam: Okay. [turns to computer]
Jim: Nope. No dog video.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Okay. See you guys.
Andy: Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!

Robert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim: Uhhh, the street?
Robert: Sesame street.
Jim: Oh, I didn├óŌé¼Ōäót know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert: Elmo, god├óŌé¼Ōäós sake, it├óŌé¼Ōäós the Elmo era.
Jim: Right.
Robert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn├óŌé¼Ōäót you agree.
Jim: Yeah, she does like Elmo.
Oscar: Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Phyllis: Completely.
Darryl: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Kevin: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
Toby: I should not be here. I├óŌé¼Ōäóm in the- I was in the wrong- I├óŌé¼Ōäóm- I├óŌé¼Ōäóm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.

Andy: Great group! Pizza party!
Kelly: How is this a pizza party?
Andy: Well, why don├óŌé¼Ōäót you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Kelly: Yeah, well, that├óŌé¼Ōäós just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Andy: Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Stanley: What├óŌé¼Ōäós that?
Andy: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Stanley: That├óŌé¼Ōäós pizza.
Pam: That├óŌé¼Ōäós regular pizza.

Dwight: You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question… what made you pick this group?
Robert: I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
Dwight: Okay!
Everyone: [separately] Awww.
Phyllis: Well, what about the other guys.
Dwight: Losers.
Robert: No.
Dwight: C├óŌé¼Ōäómon.
Robert: I don├óŌé¼Ōäót- I don├óŌé¼Ōäót wanna say-
Dwight: C├óŌé¼Ōäómon, c├óŌé¼Ōäómon.
Robert: No, no.
Dwight: C├óŌé¼Ōäómon.
Robert: Ha, I guess I think they├óŌé¼Ōäóre losers.
Dwight: Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!
Robert: Probably shouldn├óŌé¼Ōäót have said that. [Jim├óŌé¼Ōäós jaw drops]

Andy: Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Pam: [Pam├óŌé¼Ōäós phone vibrates] Oh, text from Jim. ├óŌé¼┼ōThis is getting very weird. Will explain later.├óŌé¼┬Ø
Pam: [Everyone├óŌé¼Ōäós phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin.
Meredith: ├óŌé¼┼ōSuck it losers.├óŌé¼┬Ø

Ryan: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn├óŌé¼Ōäót the fact that I├óŌé¼Ōäóm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!
Pam: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, ├óŌé¼┼ōWho├óŌé¼Ōäós that receptionist? I like her.├óŌé¼┬Ø Now I├óŌé¼Ōäóm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you├óŌé¼Ōäóre like, ├óŌé¼┼ōOh, loser.├óŌé¼┬Ø
Andy: C├óŌé¼Ōäómon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Pam: Oh. Oh God.
Kelly: [door opens, others enter] Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?
Angela: It was excellent.
Darryl: Good times.
Andy: Yeah?
Dwight: Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it├óŌé¼Ōäós over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.

Kevin: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.

Jim: Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?
Pam: Yeah, I├óŌé¼Ōäóm fine.

Kevin: [spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun] Loser. Losers. [Dwight holding up ├óŌé¼┼ōL├óŌé¼┬Ø to his forehead]
Meredith: [on the phone, while getting sprayed] Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It├óŌé¼Ōäóll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.

Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like ├óŌé¼┼ōNot my job, not my prob. I├óŌé¼Ōäóm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.├óŌé¼┬Ø Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.

Andy: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it├óŌé¼Ōäós really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let├óŌé¼Ōäós say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Robert: I never said that.
Andy: Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you├óŌé¼Ōäóre talking about?
Andy: Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I├óŌé¼Ōäóm thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Robert: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I├óŌé¼Ōäóll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you├óŌé¼Ōäóre a winner. If I didn├óŌé¼Ōäót, I don├óŌé¼Ōäót. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.
Phyllis: Whew, well. I guess that├óŌé¼Ōäós that.
Andy: No. No, no.
Erin: Andy, don├óŌé¼Ōäót go in there!
Andy: I├óŌé¼Ōäóm going in there.

Andy: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don├óŌé¼Ōäót know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I├óŌé¼Ōäóm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Robert: I├óŌé¼Ōäóm not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don├óŌé¼Ōäót use ballpoint pens.
Andy: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley… you may think he├óŌé¼Ōäós a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he├óŌé¼Ōäós hard to love, but did you know that he├óŌé¼Ōäós in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?
Robert: I did not know about the sales figures.
Andy: Meredith Palmer… Supplier relations. The word ├óŌé¼┼ōno├óŌé¼┬Ø not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I├óŌé¼Ōäóm being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.
Dwight: Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.
Jim: Shhh.
Andy: Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.

Erin: I like my new group. I liked my old group.

Robert: Are we done?
Andy: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we├óŌé¼Ōäóre gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
Robert: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
Andy: Yes, I do.
Robert: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Andy: I don├óŌé¼Ōäót care. [Robert smiles as Andy exits]

Andy: Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday.
Stanley: We get that every year.
Andy: Well, you got it this year too.
Phyllis: Good night, Andy.
Andy: Night.
Angela: Bye.
Oscar: Good night Andy.
Dwight: Good night.
Andy: Night.

Jim: Alright, I├óŌé¼Ōäóm gonna go warm up the car.
Pam: Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim?

Pam: Okay, I know I├óŌé¼Ōäóve been crying easily today, but- [shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, ├óŌé¼┼ōPam├óŌé¼┬Ø and ├óŌé¼┼ōCece├óŌé¼┬Ø on one side, ├óŌé¼┼ōEverything else├óŌé¼┬Ø on the other] I mean, that├óŌé¼Ōäós just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it├óŌé¼Ōäós stupid. No. [starts crying] It├óŌé¼Ōäós wonderful. I├óŌé¼Ōäóm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.