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01. Creative Differences
02. The Replacement
03. The Music Video
 
Subtle Sexuality, Webisode 01
"Creative Differences"
Written by Jonathan Hughes & Nate Federman
Directed by Mindy Kaling
 
 
Kelly: Since most of the office is away at some boring software training program, our girl group decided to shoot our music video. People are gonna flip out when they hear our new song and they hear our group's new name.
Erin: Oh. Did we come up with a new name?
Kelly: We did. Subtle Sexuality.
Erin: Cool.
 
Kelly: [putting make-up on Ryan] You know when you love a guy and he's giving you mixed signals but you know he really likes you and you're sleeping together?
Ryan: More eyeliner.
Kelly: I'll never tell who this song is about. That is a secret that I will take to the grave.
Ryan: It's about me.
Kelly: It is, but I'll never say.
Ryan: Yeah. This looks ok.
Oscar: [who has been sitting at the table all along eating his lunch] Do you guys need to do this here? This is a public area.
Kelly: It's our office, too, Oscar. [to Ryan] I think you might have too much rouge.
Ryan: No. It's not gonna read on camera unless there's a lot.
Kelly: How do you know so much about what's gonna read on camera?
Ryan: Uh... I lived in New York for eleven months. [Kelly nods in agreement]
 
Ryan: What can I say? I love music. If I had to choose a lifetime without music or without sex, I would go a lifetime without sex. Girls would find other ways to take care of me.
 
Kelly: In this shot I'm a bride, but I'm also kind of a tough girl, so I'm gonna be smoking a cigarette.
Erin: And I'm the minister.
Kelly: Ok, Erin. Just shoot it. After I puff on the cigarette, I'm gonna put it out on my high heel 'cause that's what they do in music videos.
Ryan: Are we doing this or not?
Kelly: Yes! We're still setting up!
Ryan: My blood-sugar is getting low!
Kelly: Well, you know what? You should have had the end of the soy yogurt that I offered you.
Erin: Rolling? [Kelly inhales the cigarette, chokes and spits]
Kelly: Cut. Cut.
Ryan: That's it. I'm done.
Kelly: We still have to shoot our make out scene!
Ryan: I've got somewhere to be.
Kelly: Ugh! We're finished!
Erin: Is that a wrap?
Kelly: He and I are finished. The show must go on.
Erin: Absolutely.
Kelly: I have to throw up.
Erin: Good.
 
Subtle Sexuality, Webisode 02
"The Replacement"
Written by Jonathan Hughes & Nate Federman
Directed by Mindy Kaling
 
 
Erin: The shoot was going really great... until Kelly and Ryan got into a fight. Then the poop really hit the fan.
 
Erin: Maybe you can do it alone?
Kelly: I don't think so.
Kevin: Kelly, I heard that you were looking for someone to replace Ryan.
Erin: Do you know someone?
Kevin: I thought that I could do it.
Kelly: This isn't radio, though. You know there's a visual component to what we're doing.
Kevin: Yeah?
Erin: Would you be able to kiss him?
Kelly: [sighs] We would love it if you'd hold the camera for us.
Kevin: I would very much like to do that.
Erin: Oh. No. You have to wipe the jelly off your hands first. Sticky. [all turn when they hear Andy singing in the break room]
Andy: [singing to the tune of Beethoven's 5th] Vending machine. Vending machine. I want a treat. Something to eat. I want a treat. A little sweet. But not too sweet. What do I eat? Vending machine. Tell me what to eat now.
 
Andy: So they asked me to audition for Subtle Sexuality so I gave them a little [makes electric guitar sounds]. Followed by some [scatting]. And, I sealed the deal with [old school rap beats].
 
Kelly: [teaching Andy & Erin choreography] One and two and cross and cross. Down. Sexy, sexy, sexy. You guys got that?
Ryan: Hey, uh, some of us are trying to work out there. What's he doing here?
Erin: He's your replacement.
Ryan: This guy? You're really gonna make out with this guy?
Kelly: Ryan, this video is bigger than you or me.
Ryan: You really think you can replicate the chemistry that you and I have... with this guy?
Andy: We've met before...
Kelly: I'll be thinking about you the entire time. [Ryan grabs her & kisses her hard]
Erin: They do have sparks.
Ryan: I'll see you at 5:00.
Andy: Can I still be in the video?
 
Subtle Sexuality, Webisode 03
"The Music Video"
Written by Jonathan Hughes & Nate Federman
Directed by Mindy Kaling
 
 
Kelly: The video came out amazing!
Erin: Amazing!
Kelly: I cannot wait to see it for the first time.
Erin: Kelly got Andy to edit it for us in exchange for a small part.
Kelly: When this blows up I'll probably go solo like Beyonce did.
Erin: You are so talented.
Andy: You guys. DVD. Finished. [everyone screams]
 
['Male Prima Donna' music video]
 
Kelly: Oh
Kelly & Erin: Oh - oh.
Kelly: You don't return my texts
You say my phone don't get no texts
Whatcha you got, A-D-D?
Add it up, don't equal you and me
Like Shakespeare said, "To be or not to be"
Sometimes you're Romeo with me
But if you ever leave me again,
I'll down a bottle of baby aspirin
I swear! I'll do it!
 
Kelly & Erin:
You're a male prima donna
But I can't help but want 'cha
I'm an independent diva
But I still kinda need ya
Together we're apart
It's tearing up my heart
I'm in hell and nirvana
'cause you're my male Prima Donna
Oh - oh
 
Erin:
You slammed her finger in the car door
Didn't say you're sorry, love is war,
She got stitches, it really hurt
That's her blood on your Polo shirt
You're cute but you think you're blazin' hot
You're short and you think you're not,
You look gay in your skinny tie!
I hope you get killed in a drive-by!
 
Kelly & Erin:
You're a male prima donna
But I can't help but want'cha
I'm an independent diva
But I still kinda need ya
Together we're apart
It's tearing up my heart
I'm in hell and nirvana
'cause you're my male Prima Donna
Oh -oh
 
Andy:
Once upon a time, she was just a girl, living in this world
Then you came along, with your irresistible charm
You drive a girl wild when you flash that sexy smile
'cause before she met you things were going okay,
So go awaaaaaaay or staaaaaay!
 
Ryan: [rapping]
They call me Mr. Understood
'cause no one understands me.
But when I spit rhymes
everybody buys my CD.
You get out of the car so slow,
how was I supposed to know?
You keep saying stuff behind my back,
then how come I got the number one track?
I'm the OG prima donna.
My rhymes bite like piranha,
Hotter than a sauna,
Straight out of Lackawannaaaaaa!
 
Kelly & Erin:
You're the male prima donna
But I can't help but want'cha
I'm an independent diva
But I still kinda need ya
Together we're apart
It's tearing up my heart
I'm in hell and nirvana
'cause you're my male Prima Donna
Oh - oh