Season 9 - Episode 22
Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by David Rogers
Original Air Date: May 9, 2013
Transcribed by Ashley N.
Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office]
Dwight: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now theyâre protecting Americaâs real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the dayâs security codes. Something thatâs been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. Itâs not the KGB, but itâs a start.
Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Dwight: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Dwight: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Dwight: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Erin: No, I meant youâre getting colder. The correct response is, âthe coffee in Peru is much hotter.â
Dwight: Ah, much, ok.
Erin: But, thatâs three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol?
Dwight: No, no. Give me the steam.
Dwight: Itâs just harmless steam to panic intruders. Iâd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
Dwight: [while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!
Creed: [carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, Iâm saving a fortune on dry cleaning.
Oscar: Angela, someone wants you.
Angela: Ok, coming. Hi, baby.
Oscar: Angelaâs divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that itâs Angela whoâs living in the closet. Hey-o.
Oscar: Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.
Esther: Go get âem, honey.
Dwight: Oh, donât worry. Theyâll get got.
Dwight: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? CheckâŚ on that later today. This is my grandmotherâs ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmotherâs buttock bullet ring.
Andy: Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary thatâs premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
Check-in guy: Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
Andy: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning Americaâs Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. Itâs a really cool show, itâs like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!
Jim: Sales form for you to sign.
Dwight: You know what to do. [waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox] Ok
Dwight: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.
Jim: Aw, thanks, man.
Dwight: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but weâve overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World Warâ
Dwight: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.
Jim: Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
Pam: Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.
Jim: All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [phone chimes] Uh, okay.
Pam: Is that them again?
Pam: Maybe you should call back?
Jim: I will. I will.
Jim: The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and thatâs final. I almost lost Pam over this business. Iâm not risking that again.
Pam: When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, heâs giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, heâs certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.
Jim: He welcomes you.
Dwight: Please take an agenda item.
Jim: Your agenda-taking pleases him.
Dwight: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. âSome say the only failure there is is the failure to try.â [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.
Jim: Letâs not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if youâre expecting a fax today, please donât yell out, âMichael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.â Ok? Thatâs nonsense.
Jim: Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
Pam: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as theyâre delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, âNice jugsâ?
Jim: Thatâs obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
Everyone: [overlapping] Zero. No nonsense. You canât have nonsense.
Dwight: [as Angela enters with Phillip] What is going on?
Angela: Daycare wonât take Phillip anymore.
Angela: Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they wonât forgive. So, hi.
Oscar: Hi, buddy.
Dwight: Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today.
Jim: Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Whoâs excited?
Meredith: Iâd better come out of this smelling like a rose. Iâve been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasnât for the cameras, I wouldâve done some truly vulgar crap.
Stanley: Over the course of this documentary Iâve had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.
Dwight: Iâm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.
Kevin: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richardâs. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.
Oscar: I canât believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.
Creed: This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast.
Andy: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang âI Dreamed a Dreamâ from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.
Casey: Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you.
Casey: America wants it!
Andy: No, this is my time! You donât belt on my time! I belt on my time.
Casey: [singing] Casey Dean!
Andy: [vocalizing over her] Casey Dean!
Casey: Man, those are some nice pipes.
Casey: Whatâs your name?
Andy: Andy. Whatâs yours?
Angela: Why didnât you pack the apple snacks?
Oscar: Why didnât you pack the apple snacks?
Angela: Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.
Angela: Why donât you pack it?
Angela & Oscar: Kevin, what?
Kevin: Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says âbold frontâ instead of âcold frontâ? Itâs insane.
Angela: Not now, Kevin. Canât you see weâre busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks.
Oscar: Seriously, Kevin. Iâm just gonna have to go to the store.
Angela: Ok, you go to the store.
Kevin: Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. Itâs all about Phillip. I hate Phillip.
Dwight: Not now! Private time!
Jim: I love Star Wars as much as the next guyâ
Dwight: Hey, hey! Seriously? [holds up Battlestar Galactica model box]
Jim: My god, Iâm so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
Dwight: Which is, of courseâŚ
Jim: Potential future nonsense.
Dwight: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.
Jim: Iâm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. Youâve got a regional manager.
Dwight: The power source.
Jim: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: A loyal, but bungling apostle.
Jim: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Dwight: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Dwight: Iâd have to get some more wire and string, but itâs doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Jim: Yeah, right. I mean, unless theyâre willing to pass some tests.
Dwight: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
Jim: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
Dwight: That doesnât sound crazy, Jim. Thatâs the sanest thing Iâve ever heard.
Casey: Whatâre you listening to?
Andy: Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440.
Casey: Oh, sweet.
Andy: A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.
Mark McGrath: Whatâs up, everybody? And welcome to Americaâs Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!
Casey: Ah! Itâs Mark McGrath! Oh my god! Youâre gorgeous!
Mark McGrath: Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!
Andy: Thereâs a mole?
Mark McGrath: Oops. Iâm not supposed toâIâm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?
Andy: What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Mark McGrath: Good man right there. Iâll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?
Andy: Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
Casey: What? On a roll much?
Andy: I donât know where it came from.
Casey: That was amazing, man!
Andy: Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.
Casey: Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
Andy: I did, I felt it.
Casey: Big time.
Pam: What are you so excited about?
Pam: What are you up to?
Jim: Members of the office, hear ye.
Dwight: That means ye, Plop!
Pete: Plop? Still?
Dwight: We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?
Jim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Erin: Aw, heck ya!
Dwight: Youâll always have the upper hand, when youâve got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Jim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but thatâs for fueling only. No savoring.
Dwight: Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.
Jim: He envies you.
Dwight: You donât need to repeat right now, when Iâm saying it.
Jim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.
Darryl: What up?
Glenn: Whatâs going on? How was the delivery?
Darryl: Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows Iâm here.
Darryl: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
Jim: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
Meredith: Uh, two.
Dwight: Not even close, Meredith. Come on!
Jim: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?
Pam: Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Jim: Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.
Dwight: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each otherâs minds. Youâre trying to give your wife this job.
Jim: Thatâs exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?
Pete: A horse.
Jim: Ew, the exact opposite, actually.
Pete: Whatâs the opposite of a horse?
Jim: Come on.
Jim & Dwight: Sea horse.
Jim: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonnaâ
Jim & Dwight: Say that? Uncanny.
Jim: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?
Jim: Do you want a corn dog?
Clark: I would love a corn dog.
Jim: Weâll see. You are an assistant whoâs just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.
Clark: [reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.â
Dwight: No, no, no, no! You donât read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. Thereâs no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries donât have diplomatic relations.
Soldier: I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, theyâll feel like anything is possible.
Andy: Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.
Casey: Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids.
Andy: Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?
Casey: I donât know. But Iâm getting really worried here.
Andy: Me too. Hold my place in line.
Casey: Where are you going?
Andy: They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.
Darryl: Thanks, man.
Hank: Thank you.
Darryl: Yep. Take care.
Pam: Darryl, hey.
Pam: Cool, are you coming back to say hi?
Darryl: No, no, Iâm not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didnât say goodbye to.
Pam: Aha. Howâs Athlead?
Darryl: We livinâ like rock stars. Iâm about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.
Darryl: Jim really doesnât want to come?
Pam: He says he doesnât want to.
Darryl: Wow. Man. I hope he doesnât regret it.
Pam: Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl: Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
Pam: Thatâs what he says.
Darryl: If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then.
Jim: An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?
Dwight: A thousand times more.
Phyllis: Iâll try this one.
Jim: Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course.
Phyllis: [grabbing the coffee] Hot!
Jim: Yeah. Itâs real. Itâs the only way youâll learn. OK, and go ahead. [Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course] Oh, god, nice! Sheâs through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!
Dwight: [over Jim] No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?
Jim: Look at that form.
Dwight: [running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis] Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! [races through obstacles, spilling coffee] Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Hereâs your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!
Jim: Uncanny. [everyone applauds]
Erin: Darryl?! Darryl!
Darryl: Oh, hey. Hey, whatâs up, yâall?
Erin: You left us without saying goodbye.
Darryl: Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody.
Meredith: Hey! No way!
Kevin: Thatâs totally uncool.
Erin: Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.
Darryl: I donât think I sh-
Erin: Get upstairs, mister!
Kevin: Right. Now.
Darryl: Guess Iâm going upstairs.
Jim: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thingânone of these people are good enough.
Dwight: I know.
Jim: What Iâm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing Iâve ever said.
Dwight: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-
Jim: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: Yes! [weak applause] Thank you.
Jim: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly squats] Thatâs it. You look really, really good.
Dwight: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?
Jim: You all right? Whatâs going on?
Pam: Are you happy?
Jim: Yes, Iâm happy.
Pam: No, I know that youâre, like, happy and, like, you had fun today.
Pam: And that was fun. But what about a year from now?
Pam: What about five years from now?
Pam: Because Iâm so glad youâre back, baby, but Iâm justâI was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like youâre giving up so much.
Jim: This was my decision, not yours.
Jim: You didnât force me.
Pam: I kind of forced you to do it.
Jim: You did not force me to do this.
Pam: Yes, I did.
Jim: I donât know how else to tell you.
Pam: Iâm afraid that youâre gonna resent me and Iâm afraid thatâ
Jim: Resent you?
Pam: This is not enough for you and Iâm afraid that Iâm not enough for you.
Jim: Is that really what you think?
Jim: Not enough? I donât know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know itâs against the rules but Iâm gonna need a favor from you guys.
Camera Crew: Okay. You got it, man.
Darryl: I didnât realize we were this close.
Phyllis: Weâre all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Meredith: Are you gonna come to Poor Richardâs and watch with us tonight?
Darryl: UhâŚ yeah. Depending on traffic.
Stanley: He ainât coming.
Erin: Oh, god!
Darryl: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.
Darryl: Well, itâs been great.
Phyllis: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then heâs gone for who knows how long.
Darryl: Maybe forever. Anyhowâ
Oscar: Did we ever have lunch together, justâjust the two of us? You know what, Iâm gonna make reservations right now at Cuginoâs.
Meredith: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Darryl: Oh, oh, Iâm sure we did.
Meredith: Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.
Clark: Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.
Erin: Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darrylâs next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then weâll get this started.
Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and thatâs on me. But Iâm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause youâre feeling sentimental.
Meredith: You have to! [everyone grumbling]
Darryl: Hey, hey, hey. Iâll do one thing with yâall.
Phyllis: Which thing?
Darryl: I donât care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though.
Angela: Kevin, Kevin.
Kevin: Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. [continues making noise]
Angela: Kevin, could you not do that?
Kevin: What? Iâm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.
Oscar: Here, use my pen.
Kevin: Donât tell me what to do!
Angela & Oscar: Shhh!
Kevin: No, I donât need this! And you obviously donât need me.
Angela: Kevin, where are you going?
Kevin: Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
Oscar: He just wonât go down. Itâs as if heâs excited by all this paper.
Angela: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Dwight: Smart baby. Thatâs the most flavorful bond.
Andy: Hey, whatâs goinâ on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the youngâuns?
Casey: Youâre back!
Andy: No, itâs me, Andy!
Casey: No, I know.
Andy: No, no, no. Iâm wearing makeup.
Casey: You did a really great job. You even look shorter.
Andy: Oh, I took out my lifts.
Andy: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.
Esther: All day long, itâs moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.
Dwight: Oink the pigs, that is very important. [watching Phillip]
Esther: Dwight, Iâm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?
Dwight: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.
Dwight: [puts his grandmotherâs ring away] Thank you, Esther.
[Dwight throws âNowâ beanie at Jimâs head]
Jim: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?
Dwight: I need you to perform a test.
Jim: Perform a test.
Dwight: On an innocent baby.
Jim: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so Iâm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, donât worry, heâs the best in the biz.
Dwight: Damn straight.
Jim: Unless you think he canât handle it.
Dwight: Hey, he can handle it.
Jim: All right.
Oscar: [holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanleyâs sleeping. You donât want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
Stanley: I heard that.
Dwight: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, thereâs no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.
Pam: He does have a gift.
Oscar: Well, heâs calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.
Dwight: Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a managerâs office before?
Dwight: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? Itâs called âSchrute or Consequences.â Youâre gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?
Dwight: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but youâre no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.
Check-in guy: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions.
People in line: Oh come on! Hey!
Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Check-in guy: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch Americaâs Next A Cappella Sensaâ
Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You canât do that. You canât do that, weâve all been waiting.
Check-in guy: Okay.
Andy: I am going in there! Donâtâ
Check-in guy: No, youâre not, sir.
Check-in guy: Please donât.
Andy: Donât touch me.
Check-in guy: Iâm not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a break for it]
Casey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Donât you dare. Donât getâI could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. Iâm Casey Dean! Youâll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you wonât be seeing the last of me!
Oscar: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I donât know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
Dwight: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when heâs being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Kevin: Heâs not that smart. He doesnât know where I hid his duck.
Andy: [interrupting contestant singing âBeautifulâ by Christina Aguilera] Hi. Youâre still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. Youâre like, my three favorite people ever.
Santigold: What is this?
Andy: [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, youâre amazing, okay? Youâre obviously gonna be on the show, so itâs someone elseâs turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and Iâm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
Aaron Rodgers: No, youâre a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
Andy: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.
Clay Aiken: No, we do not want to hear you sing.
Santigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.
Andy: Nope! Canât end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my bossâs car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
Aaron Rodgers: Flag on the play.
Andy: Thatâsâthatâs whatâyeah. Okay, all right, well, hereâs the song. [singing] Far above Cayugaâs waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma materâ
Santigold: What is this song?
Andy: Are you insane? Itâs the Cornell fight song.
Clay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, weâre not interested.
Andy: You didnât let me finish. Thatâs not fair.
Aaron Rodgers: Look, man, youâre not terrible. Weâve heard a lot of really good singers today and youâre just not good enough.
Andy: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess thatâs the show. Let me try a different song, okay?
Aaron Rodgers: Can he do this?
Andy: [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, youâre never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judgesâ reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummellyâ
Santigold: Look, you gotta go. [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] You canât just sit here and cry.
Andy: Oh I can so just sit here and cry!
Jim: [addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you.
Oscar: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?
Kevin: Canât hear you. Iâm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?
Oscar: Okay, I guess, itâs just that Phillip got you something.
Angela: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
Oscar: I think thereâs, like, $7 left.
Angela: Itâs just his way of saying, âThanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.â
Kevin: Phillip got this for me?
Kevin: That was a really cool move.
Angela: Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. Thatâs Kevin.
Kevin: What a chubbers. Whoa.
Angela: Okay, watch it.
Kevin: Iâm losing my balance.
Angela: No, Kevin, no.
Oscar: Hey, no.
Oscar: No horseplay.
Angela: Stop it.
Kevin: You wanna play with the cactus?
Angela: No, no!
Kevin: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided weâre gonna be best friends. Heâs a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.
Erin: We have our decision.
Darryl: You chose one thing?
Erin: We want to dance with you.
Darryl: You want to dance?
Erin: One dance, all of us together.
Darryl: This is what you want?
Darryl: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause weâre gonna do this right.
Erin: Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer]
Angela: Hey. You wanted to see me?
Dwight: Door. Chair. Itâs about Phillip.
Angela: I am sorry heâs here today but I hadâ
Dwight: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
Angela: How thoughtful.
Dwight: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, letâs face it, is a big step up from living in a gay manâs closet.
Angela: If he is your son, thatâs a great plan. But heâs not. Heâs not your son.
Dwight: Very well.
Angela: Can I go back to my desk now?
Pam: What is this?
Jim: Well Iâve been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldnât believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help.
Dwight: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Jim: OK, I donât have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.
Dwight: [throws ânowâ beanbag at Jim] Now.
Jim: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.
Dwight: Jim. Iâm not kidding. I need you.
Pam: Go ahead.
Jim: Ok, um, this isâŚ [leaves DVD with her]âIâll be right back.
Jim: What do we got?
Dwight: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Jim: Wow! Congratulations, thatâs a really big step.
Dwight: Sheâs got a ton of great qualities. Sheâs young, sheâs beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because weâre third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isnât technically incest.
Jim: Right in the sweet spot. I think youâre gonna be really happy.
Dwight: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.
Jim: [whistles] Thatâs a lot of pros.
Dwight: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.
Jim: So what is the problem?
[Pam hesitates but puts the DVD into the laptop to watch]
Jim: I donât know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time Iâve been faced with a tough decision, thereâs only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Dwight: Some sort of virus?
[Pam starts the video; title screen reads âBeeslyâYou think Iâll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I wonâtâŚâ; highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrolâs âOpen Your Eyesâ]
Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman whoâs gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight: Youâre a good assistant, Jim.
Jim: Not as good as you.
Dwight: Thatâs very true. Get the hell outta here.
Jim: You got it.
[video shows teapot clip from âChristmas Partyâ; Pam notices the card that Jim took back]
Jim: You watched it.
Jim: Well, then I guess youâre ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card]
Pam: Whatâs that?
Jim: Itâs from the teapot. Everything youâll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything.
Pam: Thank you.
Erin: Ok, everybody ready?
Phyllis: Hit it, red! [âBoogie Wonderlandâ by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office]
Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. Iâm gonna miss these guys.
Oscar: Ok, Iâve got myâ
Meredith: See you guys at Poor Richardâs, all right?
Oscar: All right, Meredith.
Angela: Okay, bye.
Oscar: See you there.
Kevin: Bye, Phillip. High five.
Oscar: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my motherâs, and Iâll meet you at Poor Richardâs in an hour.
Angela: Are you sure you donât want me to drop him off?
Oscar: She doesnât know Iâm living with a straight woman. I donât want to get her hopes up.
Angela: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!
Oscar: Oh, my goodness.
Dwight: [in bullhorn] Pull over!
Dwight: Move to the side of the road!
Dwight: Pull over!
Angela: What do youâDwight! [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over]
Angela: [getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem!
Dwight: [on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman!
Angela: Who drives like that?
Dwight: Listen to me! I love you! And I donât care that Phillipâs not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
Angela: Can you put that down?
Dwight: This expresses how loudly I love you.
Angela: Itâs too loud.
Dwight: [puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela: Okay, yesâyes, I will! [they kiss] I love you!
Dwight: I love you!
Angela: And I lied to you.
Angela: Phillipâs your son.
Dwight: What? Why would you say thatâ
Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight: [excited] Get out! Iâm a dad!
Angela: Youâre a dad!
Creed: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floorâs up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creedâs head] Oh!
Erin: You have to change the channel to PBS.
Bartender: College baseball is on.
Erin: But thereâs a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.
Bartender: Whatâs it about?
Erin: A paper company.
Bartender: How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
Kevin: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
Andy: One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers]
Bartender: All right.
Clark: Hey, how was the singing show audition?
Andy: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.
Creed: Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!
Kevin: I feel scared a little.
Phyllis: Yeah, Iâm not ready for this.
Stanley: No one is ready for this. You canât be ready for this. We donât even know what this is.
Oscar: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
Jim: Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of âPilotâ]