Season 9 - Episode 19
Written by Dan Sterling
Directed by Matt Sohn
Original Air Date: April 11, 2013
Transcribed by Chris M.
Stanley: [humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.
Erin: Didnāt you get the memo? Itās Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps]
Erin:Ā Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. Itās aā¦ āMageddon!ā
Erin: Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!
Stanley:Ā [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now theyāre making me climb Stair Mountain!
Erin:Ā Come on! [claps]
Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number ofā¦ unusually large people.
Stanley: This is an abomination.
Erin: Come on. You got this. Here.
Oscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.
Andy: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.
Andy: I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. Thereās a review of the documentary!
Phyllis: [gasps] What does it say?
Andy: I donāt know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, āRed Alert.ā
Dwight: Well, the alert was already set to āRedā because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to āDouble Redā?
Andy:Ā I think we should.
Stanley: [drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans]
Oscar: āThe Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scrantonās own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!ā
Everyone: Whoo! [applause]
Nellie: āIn this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. Thereās Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.ā
Dwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a newsā¦thing.
Nellie: āAndy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.ā
Phyllis: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, thatās-.
Andy: Itās okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know?
Nellie: āA possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.ā
Andy: I want you to print that out for me.
Nellie: I will.
Andy: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generationās Lisa Loeb.
Erin: āThough it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.ā
Nellie: Oh! Which public figure?
Erin: I bet itās Katie Couric. Iāve been saying this for years.
Phyllis: No, I think they mean more like a politician.
Stanley: [walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why canāt you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
Dwight: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We couldāve met in the lobby. Itās time to go out on a sale! Here we go.
Stanley: Son, youāve lost your mind. Iām not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
Dwight: The buyer is your sisterās friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and thatās an order.
Stanley: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.
Pete: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.
Pam: Well, we wonāt be late. I love you, mom. Thanks.
Nellie: Oh, your momās watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. āDo Not Disturbā sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.
Pam:Ā [laughs] I wish.
Nellie: [chuckles] What, then?
Pam: Oh, nothing that exciting.
Nellie: Marriage counseling?
Nellie: Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?
Pam: You know, Jimās kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.
Pam: I mean, weāve having issues. It canāt hurt to talk about them, right?
Jim: Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question.
Toby: Oh, sure.
Jim: Itās a little, uh, personal.
Toby: Letās do it. Letās get personal.
Jim: I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.
Jim: Sorry. Iāno, no, no, what I meantāwhat I meant actually wasā
Toby: Oh, yeah, no, itās okay. I can handle it. Um, soā¦
Jim: You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.
Toby: [chuckles, snorts]
Jim: Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any coupleās counseling.
Toby: Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam arenāt in coupleās counseling, are you? Oh, God.
Jim: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, weāre just starting coupleās counseling. Uh, which doesnāt sound any better.
Toby: Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So sāhey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here.
Clark: My mistake.
Toby: Yes, it is your mistake. Heās lingering. So annoying. Iām gonna kill him. How can I help? Iām here.
Jim: Thatās all right.
Andy: Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, Iāll hold. Iām sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone]
Angela: Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [StanĀ closes limo door]Ā Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
Robert: Donāt worry. Iāve scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
Angela: All right, if I have to be the good wife, Iāll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, Iām a better wife than that. [sighs]
Dwight: Andyā[knocks] I need to talk to you.
Andy: Yeah, come on in. Iām just on hold with another talent agency. Itās insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, thereās more. 251. 252. I canāt even keep up!
Dwight: Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
Andy: [grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. Thatās final.
Dwight: So what Iām hearing you say is, āMake Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possibleā?
Andy: Yes! Iām sorry Iām being curt, itās just Iām about to land a top talent agent.
Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good luck.
Andy: [on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.
Dwight: For five years Iāve held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe itās time for me to just let that thought go. Itās kind of painful, but itās also freeing in a way. Now itās all about my instincts.
Clark: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.
Clark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Dwight: Donāt worry, itās just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. Itās just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.
Stanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you haā
Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]
Clark: Holy [bleep].
Stanley: No, you didnāt. Sick of you and yourāoohā
Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun twice]
Stanley: [falls to the floor with a loud thud]
Dwight: Itās all right. Andy approved it.
Meredith: Man, heās really in twinkle town now.
Clark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, werenāt those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?
Dwight: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanleyās got way more body fat than they do.
Clark: You gave him three shots.
Dwight: Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Letās go!
Clark: All right.
Dwight: Move it! One, two, three. [grunts]
Dwight: Heās like a manatee. Ready? Letās go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanleyās head hits the door frame] Oh, God.Ā No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.
Clark: We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.
Dwight: [grunts] Okay, weāre good. Weāre good. Letās go. Push!
Clark: I am!
Clark: Any good weekend plans?
Dwight: I might see a movie.
Dwight: What about you?
Clark: Uh, I donāt know yet.
Dwight: [grunts] Letās take himā
Clark: I was thinking aboutā¦
Dwight: Letās go right to the top of the stairs, okay?
Clark: And then what?
Dwight: Okay, listen. Iām kind of embarrassed to admit this, but Iāve never actually done this before.
Clark: Well, if I may, youāre a natural.
Dwight: Thank you. I mean, Iāve rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uhā¦
Clark: Thatās a little weird.
Dwight: I know. Evel Knievel.
Dwight: [wraps tape around Stanleyās body]
Clark: [connect helmet straps around Stanleyās head] Thatās about as good as thatās gonna be.
Dwight: Okay, now hereās the plan. Iām gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him.
Clark: I canāt catch him. Heās like, 250 pounds.
Dwight: You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? Heās gonna be moving slowly. Itās onlyā
Dwight: Itās 15 feet down, itās at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, itās like your catching a medicineā
Clark: Dude, this size of my haunchesā [Stanleyās body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall]
Dwight: Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.
Clark: We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.
Dwight: [slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay?
Jim: So how does it work? Itās like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, orā¦
Toby: Youāre really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.
Toby: He might start by asking each of you, āWhy do you think youāre here?ā
Pam: He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, heĀ shouldn'tĀ be rewarded for that.
Jim: If I didnāt do certain things without telling Pam, sheād be married to Roy. [chuckles]
Pam: I feel like heās always making these decisions for the family, and then Iām left playing catch-up.
Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, Iāthis will be so huge for our family.
Toby: Well, whatās a little while?
Jim: What do you mean?
Toby: I mean, whatās the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesnāt know when itās gonna end.
Jim: Thatās kind of an impossible question.
Erin: Oh, guys, itās starting! Hurry!
Kevin: Ooh, thereās Angela! I work with her!
Andy: Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, Iām happy Angelaās the first one getting famous, but itās a little weird, no? I mean, she canāt sing or act, so itās actually kind of insane, if you think about it.
Phyllis: Her hair looks beautiful.
Andy: Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakinā movie star! [kicks trash can]
Robert: [on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attestā¦ I am gay.
Crowd: [surprised chatter]
Reporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?
Reporter #2: Question for the Senatorās beard.
Robert: [on the computer screen] Iāll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
Pete: Poor Angela.
Phyllis: Yeah. Poor Angela.
Robert: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasnāt until my marriage to Angela that I realized howā¦charmless I find the female body.
Meredith: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.
Robert: Thereās someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Andy: Come on!
Robert: Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first timeā
Erin: Oscar is with the Senator too?
Kevin: Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didnāt know, you didnāt know, and you didnāt freaking know. But I knew! [claps]
Oscar: He knew!
Kevin: Yes, we did it!
Oscar: You did it, Kevin.
Kevin: Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it.
Robert: --with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazingā¦ Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
Creed: Wesley Silverās gay?
Crowd: [surprised chatter]
Creed: They make a nice couple.
Dwight: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. Weāre running late. Letās get him inside.
Clark: We canāt just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Dwight: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing thatās stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Clark: Thatās actually really smart.
Dwight: Thank you.
Clark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
Dwight: Letās get him inside.
Andy: Carla Fern is not just an actorās agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.
Man: Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.
Andy: Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?
Man: Eh, you go through a lot of mice.
Man: If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second.
Andy: Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Man: Yeah. Little hat.
Andy: Aw, thatās cute.
Andy: Whatās the mouseās name?
Man: Eh, you know, it really doesnāt make sense to name the mice. Theyāre kinda like cannon fodder, you know? Youāre not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great.
Clark: Hey, wait, wait, howāhow are we doing this?
Dwight: Well, Iāll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.
Clark: Just say āarmsā and ālegs,ā okay? That justāthatās the vernacular that Iām comfortable with.
Dwight: Fine, letās go. [grunts]
Dwight: Hoist his shank on three.
Clark: WhaāWhatās a shank?
Dwight: Itās by the tenderloin.
Dwight: Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, heās slouching. Okay, can youāsl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts]
Clark: All right.
Dwight: Got it?
Clark: Yeahāyup yup.
Dwight: [grunts and closes car door] Get in the back.
Dwight: Get in the back.
Clark: Aw, come on.
Dwight: Get in.
Clark: Damn it.
Dwight: Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what weāre about to do?
Clark: Okay. We, heyāhey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?
Dwight: Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like weāve got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
Clark: Isnāt the client, like, best friends with his sister?
Dwight: New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Letās go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Letās go.
Pam: Iām sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I donāt want him to do it anymore, and I donāt want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.
Jim: Well, if Pam says she wonāt go, thenā[chuckles] weāre gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.
Nellie: That was exhausting.
Toby: Blah blah blah blah. Jim.
Nellie: Well, they deserve each other, then.
Toby: They do. That they do.
Nellie: That is for sure.
Toby: [whispers] That they do.
Dwight: And forāoh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles]
Mrs. Davis: Stanley, what is going on here?
Dwight: Heās fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Dwight: Itās a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now weāre talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?
Stanley: Ooh-hoo, look at that babyā¦
Mrs. Davis: Thatās Benji in the middle.
Stanley: Thatās Benji. Oh, heās precious. Thatās a healthy-looking baby.
Mrs. Davis: Very special little boy.
Dwight: Look at him. Iāve never seen such a beautiful child.
Mrs. Davis: Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, heāll go, āeee.ā
Dwight: Like this? Watch.
Mrs. Davis: Like that.
Stanley: A beautiful family.
Dwight: [laughs] Right? Come on! Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Dwight: Yeah, maybe Iāll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, itās the most pleasant Iāve ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.
Carla: So, what can you do?
Andy: [Australian accent] Well, what canāt I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadnāt noticed, Iāve got a pretty good British accent.
Carla: Can you drive a car?
Andy: At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
Carla: Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?
Andy: My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaalās going out on.
Carla: Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
Andy:: Yes. And yes. [chuckles]
Carla: Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kidās party, let āem throw pies at ya?
Andy: Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] Iām all for it.
Carla: Well, Mr. Bernard, Iām gonna be honest with you.
Andy: Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.
Carla: Uh, no. Weāreāweāre gonna take you on as a client.
Andy: You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.
Carla: We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out.
Andy: Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.
Todd: Uh, it doesnāt include headshots.
Andy: It doesnāt include headshots.
Andy: Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.
Stanley: So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?
Dwight: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didnāt even know it. Iāll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.
Stanley: Oh, no, Iām not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.
Dwight: Wellāno, noānā
Stanley: [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground]
Dwight: [stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist.