Season 9 - Episode 13
Written by Carrie Kemper
Directed by David Rogers
Original Air Date: January 1, 2013
Transcribed by Erica
Pam: Hey Brian, you got a sec?
Brian: Yeah, hold on a sec.
Pam: I feel awful.
Brian: Itās fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings]
Erin: [in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.
Pam: Well, thanks for being a good friend.
Brian: Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?
Pam: Yeah, mostly.
Erin: Pam, phone call.
Pam: Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa.
Brian: Will do.
Pam: Okay. Thank you.
Meredith: Hey, boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: When are you gonna boom me?
Brian: Uh, listen, theyāre cracking down on us talking to the subjects. Itās a lame rule, but, you know, I wannaā¦ I, Iāll see you later.
Meredith: Got it.
Clark: Hey, so I hear youāre bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?
Dwight: Thatās right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.
Clark: Well, uhā¦ see, you raised it.
Dwight: Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.
Dwight: Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jimās desk while heās away in Philly. Finally Iāll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. Itās like, āReally, Jim? You donāt understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.ā Wow.
Clark: You know what, man? I deserve this job.
Clark: I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyondā¦ and under.
Dwight: You know what? Youāre gonna get your interview, okay? I know that youāre going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.
Dwight: Clark has no chance. I mean, heās up against my buddy Rolf, for Godās sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor ā heāll make you laugh so hard, youāll puke your pants.
Clark: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.
Dwight: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
Jim: You couldāve just called that an alliance too, right?
Dwight: I chose my words very carefully.
Jim: Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, thatās only gonna make things worse.
Clark: [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?
Rolf: No. Youāre interviewing for it. Iām getting it.
Clark: Well, I wouldnāt be so sure about that. I mean, Iāve been working here 12 weeks. Thatās a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as weāve seen.
Rolf: Iām Rolf. Rolf Ahl.
Clark: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.
Rolf: Go to hell.
Clark: There he is.
Dwight: Hey. Come on, buddy. Letās do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You donāt compare. When youāre with the R-O-L-F, youāre literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs]
Dwight: Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.
Pam: When are you talking to David Wallace?
Jim: Iām talking to him this afternoon, but donāt get your hopes up.
Pam: Too late. My hopes are up.
Jim: Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so weāre scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix ā me asking the boss of the company Iām abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. Soā¦ problem solved. Thanks, guys.
Dwight: And this chairās gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!
Jim: Iām on the phone. Iām on the phone.
Dwight: No doy!
Jim: Iām just gonna call you back. Thanks.
[Dwight knocking on desk]
Rolf: I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I donāt do earbuds.
Dwight: [laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh]
Jim: Iām sure heās just nervous.
Pam: [sighs] Itās fine. Itās just a seating arrangement. Doesnāt matter.
Dwight: So Iāve got your resume here, but itās not telling me everything.
Rolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know youāre qualified to evaluate me?
Dwight: Well, Iām the one offering the job.
Rolf: What are your credentials?
Dwight: Iāve worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. Iām an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Rolf: I think Iāve heard everything I need to hear.
Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. Iām sure heād give a reference.
Rolf: Thank you, Dwight. Iāll be in touch.
Dwight: Well, they canāt all be winners. But Trevorās next and heās a real professional. You say, āJump,ā and he says, āOh who?ā He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.
Dwight: What makes you think youād be an effective paper salesman?
Trevor: Ooh, okay. Didnāt see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.
Dwight: Well, itās a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.
Trevor: Pass. Next one.
Dwight: All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?
Trevor: No, no and no.
Dwight: There were only two options.
Trevor: Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?
Dwight: This is a bus transfer.
Trevor: [chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy.
Clark: Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?
Jim: Sure, yeah, go ahead.
Clark: Thanks, dude. Youāyou sure itās okay? āCause youāre kindaā
Jim: Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? Youāre clean, right?
Clark: Oh, Dove Men.
Jim: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You donāt listen to it at all because weāre at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, soā
Clark: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?
Jim: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.
Clark: Thanks, dude.
Jim: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.
Jim: I need you to breathe in my face right now.
Jim: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?
Jim: I knew it, I knew it.
Clark: Yeah, good nose.
Jim: I looked at you coming around, and I said, āWintergreen.ā
Dwight: I canāt hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.
Dwight: Okay, hereās one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You canāt rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.
Clark: Thatās just a classic no-win situation.
Dwight: Thank you.
Clark: So Iād Kobayashi Maru it.
Dwight: Damn it! Perfect answer, again.
Dwight: Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond ā¦
Clark: You know what, Dwight?
Dwight: And anothā
Clark: This interviewās over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maruād the whole process.
Clark: Yeah. Star Trek rules.
Dwight: It does, but still no.
Clark: Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?
Dwight: Oh, you think theyāre my only friends? Iāve got way more friends than that, and theyāre all better than the losers who work here.
Stanley: This is not natural.
Oscar: Just ā I donāt wanna make assumptions based on peopleās physical appearances.
Pam: Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?
Darryl: They smell so bad.
Meredith: If I ever get that bad, youād tell me, right?
Kevin: Meredith, I tell you all the time.
Meredith: [chuckles] Walked right into that one.
Dwight: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. Heās got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. Iāve got big expectations, Mose-wise.
Dwight: What quality would make you a good sales associate?
Mose: People person.
Dwight: It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
Mose: Thatās right.
Dwight: You know we live together, right?
Dwight: And Iāve never seen you go to work, ever.
Dwight: So why is this on your resume? [door slams]
Clark: So howād you guys hear about the position?
Gabor: Myāmy mom.
Nate: Dwight called my house, but he didnāt realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I canāt stay out of her stuff.
Zeke: Dwightās my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.
Clark: You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
Zeke: Everyone was in the shower. Itās a cow shower, so thereās like, a ton of people in there.
Clark: So you guys all know Dwight already?
Melvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.
Gabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Melvina: You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]
Clark: X-Men school?
Dwight: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavierās School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.
Gabor: Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Leviās. A lot of telemarketing.
Angela: I donāt want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Stanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didnāt work then. And now look what heās doing to us.
Nellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Jim: How is it my fault?
Nellie: Hereās an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Jim: But itās Dwight whoās bring in all the weirdos.
Oscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwightās a weirdo. We canāt blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.
Pam: Hey, Iām the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jimās away. Iām in a position where Iām rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.
David Wallace: [on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later.
Jim: Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some inputā
Dwight: [presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And donāt lie. I can tell if youāre lying.
David Wallace: Hey, Dwight. Itās David.
David Wallace: Jim says heād like some say in the hiring process.
Dwight: Really? Thatās interesting. āCause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me whoās here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.
Jim: I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wifeā
David Wallace: Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work.
Jim: Oh. Umā¦
David Wallace: Yeah.
Jim: Okay. I canāt say that thatās not fair.
Dwight: Sounds fair to me, David.
David Wallace: And I know we have a call scheduled for later ā
Jim: Oh, yeah, so weāll just do that later.
Dwight: No. Why not do it now?
David Wallace: Yeah. Whatās up Jim?
Jim: Uhā¦ [clears throat] Well, itās about Athlead. Iām sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?
Dwight: Iād love to be in the loop, David.
David Wallace: Itās okay. Go ahead, Jim.
Jim: Thereās a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor ā
David Wallace: Okay. Jim, Iām gonna have to stop you right there.
Jim: Yes, okay. Bye.
Dwight: [whispers] Iād love to invest.
Jim: No, thanks.
Dwight: Iād like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing]
Hide: Why you make trees into bushes? You donāt make paper from bushes.
Pam: Hide, theyāre giving out jobs upstairs. Why donāt you go up and get one?
Hide: Thank you.
[hand dryer whirring]
Zeke: [patting Darrylās hair] Itās dense. Like bread.
Jim: Dwight, you canāt just hire someone ācause theyāre your friend.
Dwight: Iām not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
Nellie: Theyāre freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.
Dwight: You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Darryl: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.
Wolf: Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch.
Dwight: Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.
Dwight: Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of āem, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.
Dwight: Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.
Wolf: Do you want this paper?
Dwight: I sure do.
Wolf: Itās not very good.
Dwight: I will pay you whatever it takes.
Wolf: I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.
Dwight: No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.
Wolf: Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. Itās over.
Dwight: Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. Youāre still at the 570 number?
Wolf: I am.
Dwight: Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs]
Hide: I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.
Dwight: This isnāt gonna work out.
Hide: Thank you. [chuckles]
Dwight: Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. Heās a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet Iām hesitant. Why canāt I pull the trigger on any of them?
Dwight: [groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door]
Melvina: Do you need to be changed?
Dwight: I do that myself now.
Melvina: Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? Iāve been double-parked for five hours. Iām wondering if I should move my car.
Dwight: No, youāve been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.
Melvina: Well, the jokeās on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.
Trevor: Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, weāre still gonna be your friend.
Wolf: Yeah, whether itās me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvinaā
Dwight: Or none of you [chuckles]
Wolf: Yeah, youād bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us.
Trevor: Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.
Dwight: I wish I could hire all of you.
Zeke: I could start Monday.
Dwight: Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around.
Jim: Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If Iām not looking south, Iām not livinā. Thatās what I always say.
Dwight: Just act natural. [grunts]
Dwight: And I was thinking itās only fair that you help make this decision since theyāll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Jim: But you know I wouldnāt hire any of these all-stars.
Dwight: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, itās your call.
Jim: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?
Dwight: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldnāt picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Jim: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.
Jim: Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?
Dwight: Yes. Thank you. Amazed.
Jim: And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you.
Sensei Ira: Iām sorry?
Dwight: What? This is such bullcrap!
Jim: Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say.
Dwight: Wow. So much crap. Itās just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?
Jim: Too much now.
Nate: Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep.
Dwight: Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpertās home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.
Jim: That seems inconsiderate.
Rolf: No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Donāt open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe.
Dwight: Guys, it wasnāt up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasnāt my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor.
Trevor: Well, my dayās shot.
Rolf: Yeah, itās that weird hour where itās too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swansonās.
Wolf: I got it. Paintball.
Dwight: Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?
Trevor: [yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then?
Wolf: Letās just go, you guys.
Rolf: Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?
Jim: All right. I think that went well.
Jim: So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then thatāll print outāHey. Meet your new desk mate.
Clark: Whatās up good lookinā?
Pam: Oh, cool. Hey Clark.
Jim: Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering.
Pam: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate.
Jim: Okay. Iām really sorry I told the guys Iād be there for the board meeting.
Pam: Of course.
Jim: Iāll call you when I get there.
Jim: All right.
Jim: Take care of my wife. I will be back.
Dwight: They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.
Clark: Hey, Pam, Iām going to the kitchen. You want anything?
Pam: Iām good.
Dwight: Oh, hey, Iāll take a coffee.
Clark: Oh, Iām sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.
Pam: Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?
Dwight: Who, me?
Dwight: Absolutely, I do. [giggles]
Pam: Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, Iāll distract him, you take that.
Dwight: Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, thatās great.
Pam & Dwight: [laughs]
Dwight: Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs]
Pam: No, Dwight!
Jim: No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when Iām gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.