Season 9 - Episode 12
Written by Charlie Grandy
Directed by Rainn Wilson
Original Air Date: January 24, 2013
Transcribed by Erica
Dwight: Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. â€śScranton Mimeograph Corp?â€ť I donâ€™t think weâ€™re doing business with them any time soon. Thatâ€™s odd. Â A letter from Robert Dunder. â€śA valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.â€ť The Holy Grail.
Pam: [on phone]: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
Jim: I think Iâ€™m a little too busy these days to s--- [whispering] Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.
Jim: The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.
Kevin: I donâ€™t get it.
Dwight: Aha! A lightbulb.
Kevin: A lightbul--
Dwight: A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. [holding note over lamp] Invisible ink.
Dwight: â€śHigher than numbers go.â€ť The ceiling above accounting!
Angela: Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!
Jim: [on phone]: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ...
Jim: ...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?
Pam: You donâ€™t remember?
Jim: I donâ€™t.
Dwight: An â€śX.â€ť
Oscar: Annex. It must open something in the annex.
Dwight: â€śSedes introiti.â€ť Seat of entrance.
Dwight: [shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards]
Kevin: Thatâ€™s a flush.
All: [murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift]
All: The warehouse.
Pam: [on phone to Jim] Thereâ€™s nothing down here.
Jim: Oh, I expected more from young Halpert.
Dwight: Letâ€™s just forget it. Forget it. [warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice]
Nellie: So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?
Erin: Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack.
Erin: Itâ€™s just Pete in sunglasses.
Erin: And then we had him â€śLikeâ€ť Dunder Mifflin.
Pete: Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them â€śLikeâ€ť Derekâ€™s â€śLikes.â€ť
Erin: So far, weâ€™re only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big.
Nellie: You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.
Erin: All right.
Erin: Pete and I work well together -- not that thereâ€™s anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl-- not that Iâ€™m into girls. Not that Iâ€™m into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?
Co-worker: Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.
Jim: Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later.
Co-worker #2: Uh sure. No problem.
Jim: Ceceâ€™s ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. Iâ€™ve been working with her on her move. Itâ€™s called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? Itâ€™s kind of like this. Itâ€™s pretty cute, right?
Dwight: Pfft, â€śAthleadâ€ť? Please. Theyâ€™re too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it â€śStumpany,â€ť for â€śStupid Company.â€ť
Darryl: Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. Thatâ€™s why Iâ€™m doing it.
Dwight: Youâ€™re working for â€śStumpanyâ€ť too?
Darryl: Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, Iâ€™m switching over.
Dwight: [on phone] Hey, Halpert, whatâ€™s the big idea? First you jump ship. Now youâ€™re stealing Darryl too. When will it end?
Jim: Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity.
Dwight: You wonâ€™t stop until youâ€™ve poached us all.
Jim: Yeah. Even you.
Dwight: No. Iâ€™ll be damned if Iâ€™m gonna let us lose me.
Jim: Bye, Dwight.
Jim: Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.
Pam: Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?
Kevin: Ooh, I havenâ€™t heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?
Pam: Oh, no, Kevin, itâ€™s not a joke. Angelaâ€™s husband put me up for a-- um, just never mind.
Angela: I have no information. But Iâ€™m sure as soon as they know, theyâ€™ll call you.
Pam: Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now Iâ€™m just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, letâ€™s be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with -- some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?
Pam: Well, Iâ€™m heading out to Ceceâ€™s dance recital.
Pam: Hey, Cece, Daddyâ€™s gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?
Pam: Letâ€™s call him.
Jim: Hey. I was just about to call you.
Pam: Hey, Hon, are you close?
Jim: I am still in Philly, actually.
Jim: Itâ€™s insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so Iâ€™m stuck here trying to keep him on board.
Pam: Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you werenâ€™t gonna make it.
Jim: Pam, I couldnâ€™t get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call.
Cece: I want Daddy.
Jim: Youâ€™re gonna do great. And you know what? Mommyâ€™s gonna record it. So weâ€™ll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?
Pam: Of course.
Jim: Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?
Pam: Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.
Jim: Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes youâ€™re not the best with the phone.
Pam: I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, weâ€™re getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, â€śBye, Daddy.â€ť
Cece: Bye, Daddy.
Jim: Bye. Â [pause] Yep. See, youâ€™ve still got to press â€śEnd,â€ť Pam.
Cece: Press â€śEnd.â€ť
Pete: Oh, check it out. This is our first real â€śLike.â€ť
Erin: Oh, my gosh!
Pete: Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific.
Erin: Wow. That guyâ€™s really into paper.
Nellie: Well done, you two.
Erin: We did it. Youth task force forever.
Pete: [doing a series of hand bumps with Erin] Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?
Erin: No, you go -- okay.
Pete: All right, all right.Okay, start over.
Nellie: Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. Â â€śOur social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.â€ť I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.
Dwight: Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around -- on me. Just sign your name below.
Dwight: Youâ€™re welcome.
Phyllis: Wait. This says â€śDunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledgeâ€ť?
Dwight: This -- uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.
Oscar: â€śLoyalty pledgeâ€ť?
Darryl: Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. Iâ€™m getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows.
Dwight: Yeah, weâ€™ll see about that.
Dwight: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything youâ€™ve got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? â€śInfuriating, irresponsibleâ€ť...
Clark: They got us set up with Windows 95, Â so youâ€™re kind of dreaming here.
Dwight: Okay, Iâ€™m gonna need you to print it out.
[dot matrix printer beeping and whirring loudly]
Dwight: [writing on white board] Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because itâ€™s an idea. But what does it mean?
Kevin: Ooh, itâ€™s when you get a free sandwich after youâ€™ve already eaten ten sandwiches.
Dwight: Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client.
Mr. Romanko: I wouldnâ€™t say a rage.
Darryl: Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. Itâ€™s very unlikely it would happen again.
Mr. Romanko: Thank you. Thank you.
Dwight: No, youâ€™re not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl? Â L--
Nellie: Loyalty is exactly right.
Dwight: Thank you.
Nellie: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Letâ€™s all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?
Stanley: Thatâ€™s none of your damn business.
Nellie: Darryl is â€śdatingâ€ť Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl: Darryl is dating Val... still.
Nellie: But heâ€™s flirting with Jimâ€™s company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.
Mr. Romanko: Iâ€™m sorry. Do I still need to be here?
Nellie: Iâ€™m having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So letâ€™s-- letâ€™s use an example. Take Erin. Erinâ€™s boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean.
Nellie: So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example?
Creed: Letâ€™s try it out.
Nellie: No, letâ€™s-- letâ€™s-- letâ€™s not say Creed. Letâ€™s say Mr. X.
Angela: Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy.
Erin: Oh, Iâ€™m sorry. Didnâ€™t you cheat on Andy?
Angela: Yes. And he didnâ€™t like it.
Phyllis: Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X?
Kevin: Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because thatâ€™s the guy that Erinâ€™s flirting with?
Dance Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas.
[Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star plays]
Ballerinas: One, two, three.
[Pamâ€™s cell phone ringing]
Pam: Oh, Iâ€™m sorry. Sorry.
Ballerinas: One, two, three.
Pam: [whispering] Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? [Loudly] Oh, my God!
Pam: [whispering] Um, Iâ€™m sorry. I have to go. My daughterâ€™s a ladybug. I know that doesnâ€™t make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you.
Parent in audience #2: Youâ€™re very rude.
Parent in audience #1: Yes, very rude.
Pam: Shh! Kids are dancing.
Dwight: Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. [chuckles] So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?
Darryl: Dwight, look, Iâ€™m sorry youâ€™re having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that.
Dwight: It canâ€™t be more fun than selling paper and paper products.
Darryl: It can.
Dwight: Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?
Phyllis: Well, Andyâ€™s cute, but heâ€™s too vanilla, whereas Pete - heâ€™s just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.
Erin: Iâ€™m just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I havenâ€™t done anything.
Meredith: Yeah right. With slamminâ€™ bods like that, they ainâ€™t playing checkers.
Oscar: People, itâ€™s 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?
Erin: Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And thatâ€™s the end of it. Right, Pete?
Pete: That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from?
Kevin: Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis.
Erin: Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. Iâ€™m not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force.
Nellie: I suppose that will-- that will be all right, yeah.
Nellie: Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. Youâ€™re welcome, Andy. And youâ€™re welcome, my own ass.
Investor: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me.
Co-worker: Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim?
Jim: Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but heâ€™s gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s--
[cell phone vibrates]
Jim: Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, heâ€™ll be calling in any second.
Pam: [on phone] Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something.
Lonnie: Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery.
Darryl: I donâ€™t do that anymore.
Lonnie: Thatâ€™s what they told me.
Darryl: All right, letâ€™s get this over with.
Dwight: You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! [laughs] Here we go! Yeah!
Dwight: Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!
[We are young plays on radio]
Darryl: How far is this place? [turns off radio]
Dwight: Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. [throws small ball at Darryl]
Toby: Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there.
Nellie: Oh, thank you. I donâ€™t know, I sort of thought--
Toby: [hugging Nellie] So proud of you, Hon.
Nellie: Oh, I donâ€™t know. Okay.
Toby: Iâ€™m just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin?
Nellie: Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I-- I just sort of felt I owed him one.
Toby: Peteâ€™s a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat.
Nellie: I didnâ€™t really think about it like that.
Toby: Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have.
Nellie: â€śWhat we haveâ€ť?
Nellie: I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Dwight: Yes. Fast food. Iâ€™ll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.
Darryl: They have fast food in Philly.
Dwight: Not like this.
Darryl: Exactly like this.
Fast Food Worker: And your milkshake.
Dwight: Thank you.
Darryl: Itâ€™s 30 degrees out. You drinkinâ€™ a mildshake?
Dwight: Nope. [throwing milkshake] Fire in the hole! [laughs] Oh, yeah! Now thatâ€™s what working at a paper companyâ€™s all about!
[Darryl take keys out of ignition]
Dwight: Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k-- We have to go.
Darryl: You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage.
Dwight: Itâ€™s a youtube thing! Letâ€™s go. Letâ€™s go. Come on, theyâ€™re coming.
Pam: Anyone want to see the video from Ceceâ€™s recital?
Angela: Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that [picks up piece of paper].
Oscar: Iâ€™ll watch it. Letâ€™s get this over with.
Pam: All right, you donâ€™t have to.
Kevin: Letâ€™s get this over with, Pam.
[sound of applause on phone]
Pam: Wait. What?
Pam: [recorded on phone] Excuse me, I have to get back to work.
Pam: Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off.
Oscar: User error. Iâ€™ve heard of that happening to other people.
Angela: Oscar, donâ€™t rub it in. Iâ€™m sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.
Pam: Well, it was an important phone call.
Pam: I havenâ€™t told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, heâ€™s always like, â€śBeesly!â€ť I love that. Only thing better than getting the job-- â€śBeesly!â€ť [chuckles]
Erin: Hello, Peter.
Dwight: [cleaning up milkshake in restaurant] It barely even feels like a prank anymore.
Darryl: You missed a spot.
Drive Thru Customer: Fire in the hole! [throwing milkshake] Go! Go! Go! Go! [tires screech]
Dwight: Ha ha! Yeah, jokeâ€™s on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!
Nellie: I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force.
Erin: Oh, no, I really donâ€™t think thatâ€™s a good idea.
Nellie: Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it.
Pete: Well, okay, then.
Erin: I guess we donâ€™t have a choice.
Toby: Lady...you never stop surprising me.
Darryl: [clears throat]
Dwight: What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
Darryl: No. I was clearing my throat.
Meredith: Good night.
Pam: Night, Creed.
[cell phone rings]
Pam: So, howâ€™s it going?
Jim: We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. Itâ€™s like everything I did, he just wouldnâ€™t go for it.
Pam: Iâ€™m so sorry.
Jim: I have no idea where weâ€™re gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks.
Pam: [sighs] Oh, Iâ€™m sorry. I feel like youâ€™ve already been working insanely hard.
Jim: Can you figure out how to upload Ceceâ€™s dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up.
Pam: Um, actually, funny story -- I didnâ€™t get it. I shouldnâ€™t have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all.
Jim: Youâ€™re not serious, are you? You didnâ€™t get any of the recital?
Pam: No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part.
Jim: Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how.
Pam: Yeah, okay, Iâ€™m sorry. Iâ€™m sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it.
Jim: Oh, great. So weâ€™ll see somebody elseâ€™s kid with Cece in the background? I mean, itâ€™s really not that hard to film a video.
Pam: Is there-- um... you want to ease up a little bit?
Jim: Look, Pam, I donâ€™t know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? Itâ€™s gone. That momentâ€™s just gone. I missed it.
Pam: I donâ€™t know, Jim -- maybe you should have been there.
Jim: Youâ€™re not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? Iâ€™m in Philly. These are my days in Philly. Youâ€™ve agreed to this.
Pam: You know what? I-- I-- I donâ€™t think you want to start a conversation with me about whatâ€™s fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever --
Jim: Pam, Iâ€™m not explaining this to you-- Pam, Iâ€™m not going over this again.
Co-worker: Jim. We need you.
Jim: I donâ€™t know how else to tell you, okay? Iâ€™m doing everything I can every week to bring home something...
Pam: I am-- I am-- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want.
Jim: Iâ€™m doing this just for me? Is that what Iâ€™m doing? Iâ€™m doing it just for me. If thatâ€™s what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay?
Jim: Weâ€™ll talk tomorrow?
Pam: Yep. Iâ€™ll talk to you tomorrow.
Jim: Okay. Iâ€™ll talk to you tomorrow.
Pam: Bye. [quietly crying, sniffling]
Brian: Hey, you okay?
Pam: What am I doing wrong, Brian?
Brian: Nothing. Youâ€™re doing the best you can.
Brian: Give her a minute. Give her a minute.
Brian: Hey, itâ€™s just a tough situation, all right?
Pam: Itâ€™s getting tougher. I just didnâ€™t know that it was gonna be this hard.
Brian: Yeah. Letâ€™s turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough.
Pam: Thank you.
Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Darryl: [watching you tube video, laughing]
Guy: [on video] I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah.
Darryl: And replay.
Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah.
Darryl: [sighs] Iâ€™m gonna miss the paper business.