Season 9 - Episode 11
Written by Dan Greaney
Directed by Matt Sohn
Original Air Date: January 17, 2013
Transcribed by Jack L.
[Dwightās computer chimes]
New Instant Message: Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! āDavid Wallace
Dwight: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. Theyāre a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. Weād go in pretending to be family ā brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.
Dwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope youāve been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because itās time for another episode of āHandsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hireā.
Jim: Sorry, Stinky, canāt do it. Too busy.
Dwight: Oh, god, this again? Youāre Stinky.
Jim: Okay. Thereās no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Jim: Hey, Iām in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight: Mmm. Thatās a goodā¦ question. 300 timesā¦ [Jim hangs up] 180ā¦ Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.
Nellie: Darryl, looking good!
Darryl: Heading to Philly. Interview with Jimās company.
Pam: Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?
Darryl: Why donāt you come along and tell him yourself?
Pam: Ha ha. Thatād be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you getā¦ What do you get? Oh my god! Why didnāt I think of this? Andyās not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, Iām expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that?
Erin: Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details.
Pam: A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everythingās in order.
Erin: What? Everything? What, how do I make sure itās in order? I [laughs] havenāt been trained for this.
Pam: [giggles] Okay, see you later.
Clark: Hey guys.
Oscar: Hey, look whoās back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I meanā¦ the sex with Jan.
Clark: A gentleman doesnāt discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it wasā¦ like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uhā¦ like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.
Meredith: Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, āTalk classy, act nastyā.
Clark: Whatās with the wig Meredith?
Meredith: What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head]
Clark: Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. Itās an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast soā¦ bon appetite.
Phyllis: Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now thatās Italian.
Oscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Meredith: Always with the friends Oscar. Canāt we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Oscar: Actually, itās pronounced āespressoāā¦ Wait. Thatās what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. Soā¦
Dwight: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, butā¦
Clark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Dwight: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uhā¦ No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?
Clark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it.
Dwight: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Clark: If itāll lead to me being a salesman, Iāll pretend to be your friend.
Dwight: Then looks like we have a dealā¦ Son [holds up a suit identical to his]
Erin: Hi guys!
Pete: Hey, look who it is!
Erin: Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose.
Oscar: Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso]
Erin: Thank you! [leaves the room]
Erin: I donāt really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyoneās trust. About the pens.
Pam: You ready for your interview?
Darryl: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andyās job in the bag until my interview.
Pam: Well, you shouldnāt be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.
Darryl: Yeah, I guessā¦
Pam: Really, you canāt be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but heās basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs]
Suit Store Father: [chuckling] Itās kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
Dwight: You know, youāre right! We hadnāt even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark]
Clark: No, we sure hadnāt Pop. [both chuckling]
Dwight: [Takes picture from desk] Oh! Youāre a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clarkās shoulder]
Clark: He calls me Clarky ācause heās my Dad.
Suit Store Father: You donāt meet many hunters these days.
Clark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, heās like a serial killerā¦ of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise]
Dwight: It was his birthday, just turned three. Soā¦
Suit Store Father: Ahhā¦
Oscar: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?
Nellie: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?
Kevin: Taste test? Iām in!
Oscar: YOLO! [singing and dancing]
Phyllis: What? [everyone is confused]
Oscar: Itās a thing. It means āyou only live onceā.
Kevin: Yeah, weāre aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it.
Kevin: Alright everybody, whoās in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Donāt make us come over there.
Angela: No, I donātā¦ no.
Kevin: Alright, letās go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela]
Angela: Canāt I just agree without putting my hand in?
Nellie: Absolutely not!
Kevin: No way.
Angela: Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone elseās hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin]
Kevin: Ok guys, āwe all drink them allā.
Everyone: [Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all!
Phyllis: Hey, whereās my ring?
Creed: Iām sure itāll turn up.
Athlead Employee: [in the background] Yes maāam, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. Youāll see us on the right side, you canāt miss us.
Dennis: ā¦And I want to reach every demographic possible.
Jim: No, I hear what youāre saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright?
Dennis: Weāre talking weeks here, not months, right?
Jim: Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago.
Dennis: Alright. Good.
Jim: Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you?
Jim: What are you doing here?
Pam: I just wanted to see you!
Jim: Thatās so great!
Darryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!
Jim: Itās pretty great, right? I mean, weāre coming alongā¦ [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennisās timeline
Jim: [back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home.
Dwight: ā¦But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clarkās getting out of my car. Heās a good boy, does whatever I say.
Suit Store Father: [sighs] I canāt relate to that, my son hates my guts.
Dwight: Ohā¦ really.
Suit Store Father: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?
Dwight: [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that theyāre not even good. Really, theyāre bad. Like you and your son.
Clark: [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, butā¦ God I missed you!
Dwight: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?
Clark: [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool.
Dwight: Youāre being disrespectful!
Clark: ā¦And I love you, for saying that.
Dwight: [whispers to Clark] We donāt get along.
Clark: [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth isā¦ our relationship isā¦ terr-
Dwight: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!
Pam: Wow, this place isā¦ so great. I had no idea ā on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.
Jim: Well, I mean, I donāt even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, soā¦ These things go down all the time.
Darryl: If this companyās going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it.
Jim: [to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out?
Pam: Sure, no problem.
Jim: Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready?
Jim: Letās do it!
Erin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now Iāve got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and Iām not one of those people whoās just like, āUh, sure. Iāll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your backās turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other handā¦ they are just sitting here. Pam didnāt tell me not to unpack them. Donāt want to be a busybody, but I donāt want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, itās insane! Iām sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. Iāve never had an espresso before. Theyāre good though.
Nellie: A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor Iāve tried so far is Alpine Select!
Kevin: Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela]
Kevin: One! [as he picks Angela up in the air]
Angela: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin: Twoā¦ [picks Angela up again]
Angela: Stop it!
Oscar: Thatās enough Kevin.
Angela: Stop it Kevin!
Oscar: Thatās enough!
Clark: So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
Suit Store Father: I heard that beforeā¦
Clark: Well, I understand, but ā
Dwight: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
Clark: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.
Suit Store Father: Listen to him. He created you.
Dwight: Maybe if you listened a little bit, youād improve. No wonder women despise you.
Clark: Women donāt despise meā¦
Dwight: His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adamās apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldnāt see it, or didnāt wanna see it.
Clark: Alright, thatās enough, ācause I can say some things about him too.
Dwight: Yeah? Like what?
Clark: Like the time that you got drunk and, and thenā¦ Killed those kids on their way to prom!
Dwight: That never happened. Heās always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught āsaving treatsā from the kitty litter box.
Suit Store Father: Really shamefulā¦
Clark: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-
Dwight: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Clark: Thereās obviously a volume discount uh, if you-
Dwight: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going āplease kitty, may I have some more?ā You canāt make this stuff up!
Clark: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.
Suit Store Son: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
Suit Store Father: Here he is, my son.
Dwight: [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Suit Store Son: ā¦Did you say cat turd collector?
Athlead Employee: ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now weāre just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, thatās not a mandate.
Darryl: āMandateā- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friendsā¦ I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar?
Athlead Employee: Alright, so what makes you think youād be a good fit here?
Darryl: [freezes] Ummmā¦ [a moment later] Alright. Obviously yāall look really busy, and uh, I donāt want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhhā¦ Obviously Iām not qualified to be here man, Iāmā¦ Iām a warehouse manager, you knowā¦
Athlead Employee: Darryl, I was a newspaper editor.
Female Athlead Employee: Science teacher, volleyball coach.
3rd Athlead Employee: I work at a home shopping network.
4th Athlead Employee: Iām a laywer. Iām the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles]
Jim: And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles]
Darryl: Cool. Hey, thanksā¦
Athlead Employee: So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company?
Darryl: Yes, as a matter of fact, I uhā¦ [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs]
Stanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!
Stanley: I usually take a siesta about now.
Pete: [to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? Youāre like the new office administrator.
Erin: No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but itās the truth, I swear.
Kevin: Pam! Pam, look out! Erinās gunning for your job!
Erin: No, Iām not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] Itās not like that at all! Forget it, Iām so sorry.
Kevin: Pam, look out!
Erin: Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day youāve had.
Athlead Employee: By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.
Pam: Thatās sweet that he talks about me.
Athlead Employee: Itās too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton thoughā¦
Pam: Well, thatās funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia.
Athlead Employee: We canāt wait until you move here.
Suit Store Son: Iām sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?
Dwight: Do you mind? The men are talking.
Suit Store Father: Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Dwight: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Suit Store Father: Iād love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. Iām just here for human contract.
Suit Store Son: Okay Popā¦
Dwight: Wait, so youāre the boss?
Suit Store Son: Thatās right.
Clark: Hi, Iām Clark.
Suit Store Son: Hey.
Clark: Letās talk.
Suit Store Son: Okay.
Clark: So if you look at our catalog hereā¦
Athlead Employee: Well, thanks for coming down Darryl.
Female Athlead Employee: It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think youād fit in great here.
Darryl: Yeah, yeah me too. I think itād be likeā¦ You know what? [grabs basketball] I think itād be like a Kevin Durant jump shotā¦ Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my godā¦
Pam: Theyāre the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. Itās like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I donāt blame Cece.
Darryl: So Iām like a three year old girl in this scenarioā¦
Pam: Say they donāt hire you. Itās not like youāre out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you.
Darryl: And Iād only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, Iāmā¦ Iām not so sure Iād like living in Philadelphia.
Pam: Right? Thank you! Itās just Philly. Everyoneās acting like itās New York or Paris or London.
Darryl: Who needs it?
Pam: Not us.
Jim: [enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. Theyāre going to make you pay for the fish, andā¦ they wanted to know when you can start.
Darryl: What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday?
Darryl: Oh, thank you.
Pam: I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
Darryl: Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die!
Pam: No, Iām not upset. Iām really excited for Darrylā¦ Maybe Iām a little disappointed that weāll be losing him.
Kevin: It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here.
Oscar: Itās insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too!
Angela: [banging on window] I donāt get the point of this stupid window!
Clark: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dadās suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. Thatās why his face always breaks out.
Suit Store Son: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles]
Clark: You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, Iām going to need one right? If Iām ever going to get a āreal jobā and move my ālazy assā out of your āG.D. houseā.
Suit Store Son: Heās got you thereā¦
Suit Store Son: [to Clark in dressing room] Thatās Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tastefulā¦ Although expensive.
Dwight: Yeah, you donāt want Italian. Youāll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, youāll be doing life in Rikers Island.
Clark: Well, thatās better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.
Dwight: That place doesnāt exist. Itās not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?
Clark: [emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look?
Dwight: Actuallyā¦ You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? Iāll take one too.
Oscar: Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why donāt we move the copier into the annex like weāve always wanted to?
Meredith: Frickinā A!
Kevin: So long, noise!
Oscar: One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath]
Nellie: And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, weāre going to be in so much trouble!
Oscar: Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] Itās beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.
Meredith: Tear up the carpet!
Darryl: Kill their fish, and they still hire me. Thatās how you do that, baby. Itās all good, Iām ready. Yāall ready for this? [sings intro to āEverybody dance nowā, points to Pam to sing first line]
Pam: [reluctantly] Everybody dance nowā¦ [Darryl continues singing]
Oscar: Kevin, move. I canāt pull up the rug if youāre standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.
Kevin: Well I canāt stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.
Angela: Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin?
Nellie: Oh, enough with the whining already! Why donāt you just have some more coffee?
Stanley: Itās all gone. I didnāt get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.
Creed: I saw the leaves twitch!
Angela: Shut up!
Creed: You shut up!
Oscar: Everybody shut up and work!
Phyllis: We donāt work for you!
Stanley: Hey, itās five oāclock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot]
Oscar: [with horns honking] Kevin, can-
Angela: Whatās going on?
Dwight: Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store]
Clark: You opened the door-
Dwight: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha!
Clark: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?
Dwight: You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them!
Dwight: Each one is very different, like a snowflake.
Pam: [shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Heyā¦ What happened here?
Erin: You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. Thatās what happened. The pens happened.
Pam: ā¦Are the pens here?