Season 9 - Episode 4
Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Bryan Cranston
Original Air Date: October 18, 2012
Transcribed by Christine
Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video]
Group: Dunder Mifflin!
Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail.
Kevin: That's me. [repeats]
Oscar: Is this like a blooper reel?
Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail!
Jim: I deserved that.
Andy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do.
Darryl: That was a triple.
Andy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Darryl: My pleasure.
[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]
Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry]
Andy: I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly]
Oscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Andy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Jim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Andy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]
Jim: I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs]
Andy: That was not a fail.
Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Andy: [Group continues chanting â€śFail!â€ť]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants]
Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Stanley: What's he measuring?
Dwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!
Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
Dwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.
Pam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you.
Jim: You got it.
Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first.
Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy: A baby what? A human?!
Nellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Nellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Andy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Nellie: It's not..it's-
Andy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Nellie: Well then if I could just convince...
Andy: And those sand grains are tumbling..
Andy: With fury...
Nellie: It's not..it's not
Andy: Down the sides..
Nellie: Entrapment if I'm..
Andy: Of the hourglass..
Andy: Time's up!
Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.
Dwight: [Reading from computer] â€śStatistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!â€ť That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Dwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Pam: Week off. That'd be great.
Darryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark: Just do the tutorial.
Darryl: You're the tutorial.
Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl: You could be.
Darryl: [to Jim] What are you doing?
Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl: You popped one kernel.
Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves]
Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Jim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests]
Dwight: What? Come on.
Creed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Meredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm!
Dwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.
Jim: [reading from computer] â€śSide effects of EMF include: headaches...â€ť
Dwight: Had 'em all my life.
Dwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Jim: Oof. â€śInfertility.â€ť
Dwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch]
Jim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the?
Dwight: Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god.
Dwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot]
Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Pam: Yeah, OK then.
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.
Dwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Meredith: Nice job.
Dwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.
Pam: What's this?
Dwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in!
Dwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.
Stanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs..
Oscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no....
Stanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah.
Oscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying]
Pete: Oh sorry! Sorry.
Angela: Oh my god!
Erin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry.
Meredith: Lose weight.
Erin: I'm trying. Sorry.
Erin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie: Oh of course, you were adopted.
Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well.
Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie: Oh thank you so much!
Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods]
Clark: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.
Jim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.
Clark: It's a medical thing.
Jim: Just...you good?
Clark: I'm good. I..
Jim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this.
Pam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
Angela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her]
Pam: Oh my god! Ah!
Jim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus]
Jim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking?
Dwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?
Dwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Andy: Yo. Dudeces.
Jim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
Phyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive.
Kevin: As would I.
Stanley: No question.
Dwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Jim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.
Erin: Yes! [Group cheers]
Jim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.
Pam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat]
Jim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Jim: You got it.
Erin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps]
Darryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop.
Clark: Come back.
Darryl: Too late.
Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.
Pam: My name is Pam.
Pam: I like to paint.
Pam: You think you're better?
Pam: Oh no you ain't!
Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
Kevin: My name is Kevin.
Kevin: That is my name.
Kevin: They call me Kevin.
Kevin: Cause that's my name.
Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!
Creed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god.
Andy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one.
Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible.
Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.
Nellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one.
Erin: Never say that.
Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.
Stanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in]
Group: Next stop pies!
Kevin: Next stop pies!
Jim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Dwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Dwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Jim: What do we want?!
Jim: When do we want it?!
Dwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight!
Meredith: Oh my!
Jim: What are you doing?
Meredith: Dwight, what the hell?
Kevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.
Phyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just..
Pam: Phyllis! That's not safe.
Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Pam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Jim: You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Pam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch]
Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps]
Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight: I'm barren, Jim.
Dwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Dwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]
Jim: I'll take it.
Andy: Who is it?
Nellie: Um, is this a good time?
Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie: Oh, why, is there something?
Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie: Alright then.
Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim: That doesn't matter.
Dwight: What position did you use to conceive?
Jim: Ok...that's not...
Dwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.
Andy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Pete: I don't think that's Nelly.
Nellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.
Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Jim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.
Pam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go?
Jim: It's pretty good actually.
Jim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim]
Oscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts]
Dwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Pam: You feel OK now?
Dwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Pam: the one pie that I don't.
Dwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly]
Angela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other]
Jim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie!
Group: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive]
Andy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers]
Nellie: Oh, you signed it?
Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]
Nellie: [Reading] â€śShe's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.â€ť
Kevin: I insult you, Oscar.
Kevin: I insult you! To your face!
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!
Pam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed.
Jim: We did it.
Pam: You did it.
Andy: My name is Andy!
Group: [bored] Yeah.
Andy: I don't do drugs!
Andy: Now check the style!
Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo]
Pam: Role call.
Phyllis: Role call.
Oscar: Role call.