Season 9 - Episode 3
Written by Jonathan Green, Gabe Miller
Directed by David Rogers
Original Air Date: October 4, 2012
Transcribed by Arsheen
Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight
Dwight: Who are you?
Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian
Fake Jim: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight: Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail: Please enter your password.
Voicemail: You have one new message.
Dwight: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight: You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Gricoâs at 7:30.
Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [Kisses Pam]
Pam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
Dwight: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
[Dwight shows fake Jim of the Halpert family portrait but notices that Jim and the kids have been replaced with fake Jim and Asian kids]
Dwight: Oh myâ! Oh dâ! Oh, how didâ? [gasps] Huhhhhh!
Erin: Heyyy! Study buddies!
Darryl: Oh, ok.
Erin: Getting things done. Awesome!
Darryl: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!
Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Letâs knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Erin: [speaking in French] Sâil vous plaitâŚdites-MoiâŚUgggghhh les Bleagh!
Dwight: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.
Erin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!
Dwight: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Dwight: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.
Dwight: I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Erin: Yeah! Letâs do it!
Dwight: [exclaims] Atherozar!
Erin: [shocked] Oh!
Dwight: It means âexcellentâ. And we have begun.
Pam: [asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay?
Nellie: Hmm? Ohâoh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I dâI just don't wannaâburden you with my massive stress freak outs!
Nellie: Itâs just that I am taking my driverâs license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to âDemandyâ...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! ButâŚin who's car?
Andy: [yells] Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Pam: Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
Nellie: Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! [hugs Pam]
Nellie and Pam: [giggling] ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Pam: [to Jim] I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Jim: Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.
Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy: As in...
Nellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy: [silently mouths] Wow!
Andy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
Andy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
Erin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, âWhat's your stance on politics?â Or, âWhat is the best war to do?â And, I will just be like, âDuhhhh!â
Andy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.
[Clark and Peter clap]
Pete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.
[They clap when Andy slams dunks his garbage into the bin]
[They clap when Andy prints a paper copy out]
[They clap when the water cooler jar makes bubbles while Andy is standing next to it.]
Clark: It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark: Just clap through it, man.
Darryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log âem all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim: That was really good, Darryl.
Darryl: Life hacking, man.
Andy: There he is!
Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed meâ[gets interrupted by Andy].
Andy: [shushing Jim] Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Darryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
Andy: It's me! [chuckles] I am related to Michelle Obama.
Darryl: What?! Really?
Andy: I mean, it's distant, but...
Darryl: [chuckles in agreement] Huh ha! That's cool, man.
Andy: Darryl said, âCool, man.â He called me as cool man.
Pam: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Nellie: Mmmmâthe thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while Iâm driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Pam: Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Oscar: Iâm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Phyllis: You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Stanley: Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.
Dwight: I throat-rip.
Erin: Foth aggendak!
Dwight: You throat-rip.
Erin: Foth aggendi!
Dwight: He/she/it throat rips.
Erin: Foth aggenda!
Dwight: More of a, barbaric growl.
Erin: [in a barbaric growl] Forth aggenda!
Dwight: Louder! Youâre shouting it from the back of a horse!
Erin: Wah!! Aggenda!!
Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie: [laughs mischievously] Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!
Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Pam: Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.
Nellie: [whispers] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guyâs head].
Oscar: Well, if thereâs another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. Iâ[gets cut by Andy barging into the convo]
Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl].
Oscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy: Why? Is it employeeâs day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family wereâslave owners.
Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
[everyone raises their hands.]
Darryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Andy: Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.
[Continues] Where were we? Uhhhh, yes. Okay. YourâŚproductivity thing.
Darryl: Yes, yes, yes.
Andy: Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!
Darryl: I included some time saving ideas...
Andy: Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.
Darryl: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird.
Andy: [snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Wurddd.
Dwight: Daraas! [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mareâs milk?
Pete: Hey Erin!
Erin: Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!
Pete: Ohâokay. Sorry.
Nellie: Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work.
Pam: Yeahâturn signal. It's exciting to be painting againâthose are the wipers. Soâtheâitsâjust. There you go! Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, things get so busy with the kidsâred lightâthat it's nice to have that creative outletâred light! Red light! Red! Red!
Nellie: That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work.
Pam: Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby.
Nellie: Thatâs amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo!
Pam: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.
Andy: [to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
Andy: So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.
Erin: Because of your slaves.
Andy: Not my slaves, my ancestorsâ. Maybe. Probably not.
Erin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for âslave masterâ, âattafrauk!â, is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed?
Andy: That youâre learning a made-up language from HBOâs Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!
Erin: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language.
Dwight: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it.
Andy: Hi guys.
Phyllis: Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?
Andy: Yeah. You don't have to ask me.
[Phyllis lets out stifled laughter]
Andy: Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to beâ[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was âDiamonds on the Soles of Her Shoesâ by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady SmithâAfrican AmericanâMambazo.
Pam: Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]Ohâno! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. âNew special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.â And then in parentheses, he wrote out âas soon as possible.â
Nellie: Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, âlooking for dirt.â
Pam: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding.
Nellie: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.
Nellie: No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! [whispers] I love it.
Nellie: What should we say about Jim?
Pam: Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
Nellie: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. [pauses] I just made a joke there.
Pam: I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that thereâs something Jim isn't telling me.
Nellie: Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!
Pam: Jim? No.
Nellie: [sighs]. How can you be sure?
Pam: Because he just loves me too much.
Nellie: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?
Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the olâ family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin: And John Wayne?
Andy: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!
Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. Trueâ[touches his nose] Oh no.
Andy: Dwight's grandfather was aâ[is interrupted by Dwight].
Dwight: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. SoâŚ[clears throat]
Andy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah!
Andy: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
Meredith: Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [mimics stabbing into Angelaâs throat]
Angela: Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me!
Phyllis: Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?
Kevin: Yeah, thatâyou're being really mean, Andy.
Dwight: Yeah, Andy.
Andy: No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and itâs not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.
Oscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.
Andy: Might've done. And howâŚ do you figure?
Oscar: Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Andy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.
[ringtone of Dixie plays] Okay, Kevin did that. I do not wish I was in Dixie.
[answers phone] Hey mom, how are ya? Did any Bernards ever own a plantation in the south?
[to the group] She said no! Take that!
[gets back on phone] Follow up question. Did any Bernards, ever, make money, in an unsavory way?
[speaks quietly into the phone] I just asked you! Why didn't you just say that?
[continues speaking quietly] Oh, stop! Stop! Stop talking! Stop taking! That'sâno! I don't wanna know that. Ok. You're interrupting a meeting I have to go. Love you. Bye.
[faces the group] Well, turns out the Bernard's of yore did not own slaves.
Andy: We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.
[Clark begins to clap but Pete immediately stops him.]
Andy: Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.
Darryl: Youâre gonna poâ mouth
Andy: Exactly. Help me poâ mouth, Darryl.
Darryl: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestionsâ
Andy: What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?
Darryl: That could work.
Andy: You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.
Darryl: Iâm going for a walk.
Andy: [with a sigh] Okay.
Pam: Good. Good. Andâ[Nellie hits the car against the bushes]
Jim: You doing alright, man?
Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
Jim: Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right?
Darryl: Hmm. Yeah right
Jim: No, I'm serious. There's always something better.
Darryl: Like what?
Jim: Like hypotheticallyâŚ if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have.
Darryl: What kind of job?
Jim: Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into?
Darryl: Hell yeah!
Darryl: That sounds awesome!
Jim: Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to...
Darryl: I love Philly!
Darryl: It's not even a thoughtâ
Jim: Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!
Darryl: What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening?
Jim: Oh, itâs happening! Letâs just keep it between you and me for right now.
Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it?
Jim: We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she'sâI think she understands... what this is.
Darryl: Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real.
Jim: What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real!
Darryl: It's not real... until your wife is on board.
Pam: So what did you want to show me?
Nellie: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
Pam: Yeah. It's really ugly
Nellie: Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinkingâŚa mural.
Pam: You mean me?
Nellie: Yes! You! You are soo talented! Itâs going to be my next special project. Hiring Scrantonâs most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.
Pam: Oh my god! I love it! Uh, IâNellie, this is brilliant! [sees Jim] Hey!
Jim: Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?
Nellie: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!
Pam: What?! No! I-I got this. [Laughs] Okay?
Nellie: [quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich.
Nellie: And Filipino. But weâll break that to her later.
Nellie: [to Darryl] You know what this is all about.
Darryl: Yeah. You too, huh?
Nellie: Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake!
Darryl: Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah.
Nellie: Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this.
Jim: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.
Pam: I still can't believe he didn't tell me.
Pam: I was helping Nellie driveâ[Stanley interrupts]
Stanley: Do not care.
Pete: Fonas chek!
Erin: Dothraas! chek! [giggles]
Andy: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Erin: [in agreement] Hmmm!
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