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Season 8 - Episode 06
"Doomsday"

Written by Daniel Chun
Directed by Troy Miller
Original Air Date: November 3, 2011
Transcribed by Stephanie & Victor
 
Andy: [Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic]
Erin: [Laughs and shrieks]
Andy: Closing time.
 
Andy: Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird.
 
Andy: Closing time
Jim: [On phone] ...W R K.
Andy: One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Jim: Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing.
Andy: Come on pam!
Andy/Pam: [Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.
 
Pam: Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home.
 
Andy: I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo…hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing… no traditions!
Stanley: [singing] Closing time every new beginning…
 
Stanley: I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now…it's my favorite song.
 
Andy/Stanley: [singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.
Stanley: Goodnight.
 
Andy: Whose your favorite iron chef?
Robert: [speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious.
Andy: You go first.
Robert: The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office.
Andy: Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes…
Dwight: [runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead.
Robert: [to dwight] Did you need something from us?
Dwight: Wha…Yes. Your attention. Uh because… No that is all. [walks out]
 
Dwight: Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.
 
Robert: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy: Umpf…that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert: Who are they?
Andy: They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture…
Robert: Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
Andy: I would agree with that.
Robert: Simply…end the mistakes
Andy: End the mistakes, easy-
Robert: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
Andy: I would like that.
Robert: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.
 
Jim: I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So…my pitch is…me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine.
Darryl: Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine.
Jim: Is that off again?
Darryl: Oh yeah.
Jim: Ok.
Val: Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today.
Darryl: Ahh…We don't really do those. We just sign the thing.
Val: Are you really this lazy?
Darryl: I'll be there.
 
Gabe: Hey.
Val: Hey.
Gabe: Monday's suck.
Val: Yeaha…yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in.
 
Dwight: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.
Andy: What do you got?
Dwight: [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh…should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Andy: Sounds controversial.
Dwight: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Andy: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.
Dwight: Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.
Andy: Go do the voodoo that you do so well.
Dwight: I will do my voodoo.
Andy: Mmhmmm.
 
Gabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby: For you?
Gabe: Yes. For Gabe.
Toby: Who are you seeing? That's gr…
Gabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Toby: Oh.
Gabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist]
Toby: You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe: Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby: But I mean…uh have you talked to her? Is sh…
Gabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays…
Toby: Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe: Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe: Hey! Watch it.
Toby: Good luck Gabe.
 
Andy: Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really.
Kevin: Thank you.
Andy: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call…Dwight…
Dwight: The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.
Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Kelly: What emails are you talking about?
Dwight: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.
Kelly: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight: P.S. We should should kill him.
Jim: Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?
Dwight: No, it's an accountability booster.
Jim: Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device.
Dwight: Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
Kelly: Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.
Ryan: We can't do this Dwight.
Dwight: [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile…nod. Smile and nod.
 
Dwight: They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like…not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor…
 
Andy: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes.
Dwight: But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve.
 
Andy: Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha.
Stanley: This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
Oscar: There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
Dwight: [alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake.
Erin: Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Andy: Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I…
Dwight: It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys.
 
Warehouse Crew: First. Second.
Darryl: It's not a race.
Warehouse Crew: Thirrrr….third.
Darryl: Who knows what the belt is for?
Gabe: It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous.
Darryl: Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone.
Warehouse Crew: Hi, gabe.
Darryl: All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Gabe: Look at this, this is enormous.
 
Gabe: I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow]
 
Gabe: It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way.
Darryl: You done?
Gabe: The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back.
 
Phyllis: Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five.
Kevin: I'm on it.
Angela: Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project.
Kevin: Good thinking.
 
Kevin: Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made.
 
Angela: Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head]
 
Oscar: When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head]
 
Andy: Alright everybody, you are doing great!
Dwight: Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger]
Jim: Dwight, question.
Dwight: No questions.
Jim: If this doomsday device goes off...
Dwight: Accountability booster.
Jim: If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?
Dwight: I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.
 
Stanley: Try mose1234.
Ryan: Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like…z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: How about Scrantonstrangler666.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha…You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.
Kelly: Wha…what's Dwight's mothers name.
Jim: Hmm…Heda. [alert] No.
 
Darryl: Once you read the packet, sign the back.
Gabe: Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val…
Darryl: Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
Val: Yeah, sure.
Gabe: Uh.
Darryl: Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte.
Gabe: Decaf frap-
Darryl: Got it.
 
Angela: You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?
Oscar: Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty.
Angela: Six-seventy, six-twenty.
Oscar: Nuh uh.
Angela: yes!
Oscar: Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no.
Kevin: What does this mean? What does it mean!
Oscar: Andy. [alert sounds]
Angela: Ohhhh!
Andy: Gahhh. That's five strikes.
Stanley: [pulls out Brandy bottle] Well…I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.
Andy: Dwight we got five strikes.
Dwight: Really?
Andy: Did the email go out or…
Dwight: It goes out automatically at five P.M.
Andy: Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it.
Dwight: Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Andy: Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.
Dwight: No.
Andy: What?!
Dwight: You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.
Phyllis: We did our best.
Dwight: No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?!
Erin: You're a real crumb bum, you know that?
Dwight: Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
Kevin: Uh, the man tree puts its penis-
Dwight: Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.
Andy: Nn no.
Dwight: What?
Andy: No!
Oscar: Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine.
Kelly: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down!
Dwight: Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.
 
Erin: Dwight's car is gone.
Pam: I bet he went home.
Andy: Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.
Andy: Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: Kevin has that lovability.
Kevin: Guys come on. I'm right here.
Andy: Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something.
Jim: Ok, where is he?
Erin: Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.
Jim: I'll try both.
 
Dwight: [digging] Oh. Come to reason with me?
Andy: Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you-
Dwight: Get lost.
Andy: Well now hold on it, it-
Pam: What are you doing?
Dwight: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Pam: Uhm.
Erin: Do you need a hand?
Pam: Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in]
Dwight: If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.
 
Robert: I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash]
Jim: Robert.
Robert: Jim what are you…What a surprise.
Jim: Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting.
Robert: Yeah.
Jim: You up for a game?
Robert: A game or a match?
Jim: Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it.
 
Pam: Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down]
Andy: [to Dwight] Where you going?
Dwight: In. I'm hungry.
Pam: Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water.
Dwight: Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.
Pam: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.
Dwight: This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
 
Val: That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab.
Darryl: Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab?
Val: That's what I'm sayin'.
Gabe: [to Val] Hey. You're welcome.
Val: Thanks for the coffee.
Gabe: So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.
Val: Are you asking me on a date?
Gabe: Yes, I am.
Val: Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy.
Gabe: I could quit. Problem solved.
Val: Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods]
 
Darryl: Good policy. Sensible. Smart.
 
Jim: Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving.
Robert: In the box.
Jim: In the box. [hits it straight into the floor]
 
Oscar: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Angela: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'-
Oscar: I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Stanley: I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy]
Oscar: It's not that funny.
 
Erin: [Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.
Pam: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?
Dwight: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam.
Pam: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.
Dwight: I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.
Andy: Dwight, there's just a small matter of a-
Pam: You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.
Dwight: Any specific animal?
Pam: I'm thinking cow-
Dwight: Don't say cow- Ugh.
Andy: What are you doing? It's 5 to 5.
Pam: Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will.
Andy: That's insane!
Pam: Just trust me.
Andy: Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning.
Pam: I got this.
Andy: Enngh-
 
Pam: Hahhh, thanks for everything.
Dwight: Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling]
Kevin: Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"?
 
Jim: [a text tone goes off] Is that my phone?
Robert: Sounded like mine.
Jim: Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright.
Robert: Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.
Jim: Oh, oh yeah.
Robert: Can I have it?
Jim: Yes. Right now? Yes.
Robert: Yep.
Jim: Here you go. [throws it over glass]
Robert: Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor]
Robert: [censored beep] ha, Jesus.
Jim: Awww, sorry. Did it break?
Robert: Nah, it's good.
Jim: You sure?
Robert: Yeah.
Jim: What kinda iPhone is that?
Robert: It's the standard one. The one everyone has.
Jim: Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?
Robert: It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?
Jim: Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone]
Robert: My serve!
 
Pam: [her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device!
Andy: Oh!
Kevin: Yes!
Erin: Haho!
 
Oscar: [his phone vibrates] He stopped it!
Ryan: Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs.
 
Dwight: They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?
 
Robert: Take it easy. Nice and easy.
Jim: [hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down]
Robert: Oo!
Jim: I'm alright.
Robert: You alright?
Jim: Yep.
Robert: Skinned knee.
Jim: Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow]
Robert: Oo, a little ice on that maybe.
Jim: Yeah. That does not feel good.
Robert: Okay. My serve.
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Andy: Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four.
Stanley: This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again.
 
Stanley: Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets.
 
Pam: This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once.
Jim: Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down.
Pam: You couldn't fix it.
Jim: I wasn't here that day.
Pam: Yes you were.
Jim: No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes?
Pam: I don't think so, babe.
Jim: Ok, this is crazy.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Jim: I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright.
 
Robert: Eleven love. I win again.
Jim: [grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more?
Robert: I don't think so.
Jim: No? Come on.
Robert: Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me.
Jim: Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Darryl: What are you doing here, Gabe?
Gabe: Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose.
 
Gabe: You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman.
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Andy: Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting?
Robert: Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about.
Andy: Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin]
Dwight: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Yeah?
Dwight: Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate...
Andy: I don't think so.
Dwight: Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all...
Andy: Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now.