Season 8 - Episode 02
Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Charles McDougall
Original Air Date: September 29, 2011
Transcribed by Christine G.
Jim: Hey, so this isnāt matching up with thisā¦and Iām not sure which oneās right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin: Yes. Me do.
Jim: Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam: Kevin, do you feel OK?
Kevin: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim: Yeah, alright Kev why donāt you come with us?
Oscar: No, guys.
Angela: No, heās fine.
Oscar: Heās fine.
Angela: Heās always been like that.
Pam: No he hasnāt.
Angela: I mean, heās gotten worse over the yearsā¦.
Oscar: Heās making a statement. Itās an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin: You keep think that.
Kevin: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say ācar no goā, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?
Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what youāre trying to do.
Andy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what weāre talking about isā¦basically the speech equivalentā¦ to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need useā¦but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.
Jim: Does it save time though? āCause weāve been here for about an hour.
Kevin: No me fault.
Pam: Kevin, at most youāre saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin: Many small time make big time.
Andy: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin: See world.
Pam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim: K, Kevin, are you saying āSee the worldā? or āSea World?ā
Kevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim: No, see? Right there, thatās the problem with your method. āCause I still donāt know if youāre saying āSea Worldā or āsee the world,ā and itās taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin: Fine, fine. Iāll talk normally.
Kevin: When me President, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see.
Dwight: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tabletā¦.the Pyramid. [holds up triangle shaped touch pad]
Phyllis: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight: So, you can tell your clients: āUnleash the power of the pyramid.ā
Pam: Itās huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight: Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, itās barely three pounds.
Ryan: How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight: Fifty L.
Ryan: Iām sorry,ā Lā?
Jim: How many L to a K?
Dwight: Youāre really going to want the booster.
Stanley: How on earth are we supposed to sellā¦?
Jim: Iāll take five.
[Andy walks in with ties on his arm]
Phyllis: Andy, donāt make us sell this stupid thing.
Andy: Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwightās meeting.
Dwight: Thank you.
Andy: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on tiesā¦and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?
Andy: Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker causeā¦ā¦
Dwight: Is this really the best use of our collective time?
Andy: I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, Iām sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dogā¦had to pull rank.
Dwight: [to group] OK, letās look at some ties.
Dwight: Hereās how Iām going to help out from now on. Iām going to not care, and Iām going to sit around quietly waiting for Andyās inevitable demise.
Dwight: [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
Erin: Um, D-Dog, you have a message.
Pam: Erin, you donāt need to call him that.
Erin: Andy wants us to, P-Dog.
Darryl: Itās ok E-Dog, just who called?
Erin: Justine. She said sheās coming by later.
Jim: Your ex-wife?
Kevin: Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?
[Group murmurs, offended]
Darryl: No no no no. I like her.
Kevin: Well Iām just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I donāt know the woman.
Darryl: Nah man, we get along now. Real well.
Jim: Wow. Alright. Canāt wait to meet her.
Darryl: Iāll introduce you.
Darryl: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I canāt tell you what I did with my ex wife last nightā¦. I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Andy: [to Robert California] Hi Dad!...... Ahhhā¦.oh boy.
Robert: Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.
Erin: Would you be requiring a cold beverage while youāre here?
Robert: Iād love some coffee.
Robert: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy: Are you factoring in theā¦ whole national ā¦economyā¦. declining and all that?
Robert: Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavorā¦.vanilla?
Robert: Vanilla? No no no no. Youāll never guess in a million billion years youāll never guess.
Andy: You were saying you chose meā¦. There was a reason?
Robert: Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?
Andy: Can I inspire? [laughs] I donāt know!.....I donāt know.
[Erin enters with overflowing cup of coffee]
Robert: Oh! Thank you. Uhā¦.
Erin: Oh, sorry.
Robert: You can just put it down.
[Erin sets cup down and Robert sips it]
Robert: That is very cold.
Erin: Yeah. Itās old. [smiling]
Robert: Why would Iā¦..?
Erin: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said ācoffeeāā¦.
Andy: Why donāt we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Erin: Andy, you donāt want that.
Andy: Iāve been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. [sips] Mmmā¦.
Robert: You like her.
Andy: I do.
Robert: She likes you.
Andy: You know, weāve both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now weāre in this weird danceā¦.
Robert: [interrupting] Iām afraid youāve lost my interest.
Oscar: Let me call you back.
Meredith: I gotta go.
Robert: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?
[Kevin Raises hand]
Kevin: This is where we go
Robert: [chuckling] Oh, youād go someplace else. Thatās not it, thatās not the answer.
Kevin: Itās a answer.
Robert: Itās a wrong answer.
Kevin: There are no wrong answers.
Robert: Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at itās birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis: Waitā¦.theyāre terrified?
Robert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I donāt know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. Youāll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them āyou are welcome.ā [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy: You got it.
Robert: Iām not kidding.
Andy: Neither am I, itās already done. Hah, Iām just kidding, itās going to take some time.
[Andy knocks on Jimās desk]
Jim: Hey. [Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jimās desk, kicking things in the process.]
Andy: Whatās up, guys? Just thought weād have a little rap session, talk about businessā¦see how things are going? Ahemā¦
Jim: Why donāt you start?
Andy: If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robertā¦man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, howās the sales doubling ā¦project going?
Phyllis: Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We canāt just press a magic button.
Andy: OF course not. Thereās no magic button. You have to summon that.
Stanley: If we could just double our sales, we already would have. Youāre not making any sense.
Jim: He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
Andy: Dwight, anything?
Dwight: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it theyāre out of the house.
Andy: You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? [Jim raises hand] Tuna.
Jim: New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the doorā¦
Andy: Fartā¦.. good Sesh. [gets up] That legās asleep.
Justine: Hello. Iām looking for Darryl Philbin?
Kevin: Donāt! oh, you must thinkā¦Iām not. Iām using the fax, this isnāt, no wait. Iām not supposed to represent the company. Right? Thereās usually an Erin here.
Kevin: Soā¦DARRYL! A GIRL!
Darryl: [Singing] rub a dub dubā¦I got scrubbed. āSup, darlinā? Everybody, this is Justine. [murmurs of hello from the group] This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.
Justine: Can weā¦. go some place private?
Darryl: Follow me, I got a space. After you. Iāve been thinking about you all morninā. I donāt know what you did, I can barely walk today.
Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownieā¦? Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, thatās ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you aboutā¦
Dwight: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just donāt see the point. Itās so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Andy: Yeahā¦um, how is everything?
Dwight: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
Andy: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight: I donāt know, what do you mean?
Andy: Thereās gotta be some way you can double your beet salesā¦
Dwight: You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! [Licks brownie battered finger] And Iāll do mineā¦.. walnuts?
Angela: Have you seen this? [Hands Pam Parenting magazine]
Pam: Parenting? Yeah. This is Ciciās favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
Jim: She looks at it when sheās on the potty, and she makes the faces.
Angela: Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
Pam: I flipped through it.
Angela: So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while youāre pregnant?
Pam: Of course.
Jim: We know that.
Angela: I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Pam: That sounds nice.
Angela: Great.[Angela walks away]
Jim: You have a walking buddy.
Pam: I do.
Andy: Thanks for coming in guys.
Phyllis: You donāt have to thank us for coming in, itās our job.
Andy: Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so Iām gonna thank people.
Meredith: Whatās with the blanket?
[Andy removes blanket over table to reveal various items]
Andy: This is whatās under the blanket.
Oscar: We donāt get it.
Andy: These are incentives. Itās how weāre gonna double growth. Now, youāre probably all asking yourselves: āWell, how does this work?ā
Pam: Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.
Andy: Youāre exactly right and you get a point.
Pam: Oh. [smiling]
Ryan: Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy: Twenty points.
Meredith: How does one get a point?
Andy: Iāve outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? Itās so gross.
Andy: Thereās lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley: How ābout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy: I canāt.
Kelly: This point system is really insulting.
Andy: Ooh I didnāt mean to offend you, and I hope youāll forgive me because I am very veryā¦ Sari. [tosses yellow print material over shoulder] Sixteen points.
Kelly: Thatās a tablecloth.
Jim: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy: Thatās a crazy amount of points.
Jim: But, what if?
Andy: Well, what do you want?
Jim: I donāt know, for such a crazy number Iād like something pretty crazy.
Andy: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]
Jim: Thatās pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy: Iāll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard![Andy points to his rear-end]
Jim: Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?
Andy: Swear to God, hope to die. Now letās get to work!
Jim: Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that caseā¦letās get to work.
Pam: Yeah! Whoo! [Group cheers]
Jim: [on the phone]I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. [hangs up] Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?
Phyllis:[hands Jim folder] Ask for Donald, Karenās bananas.
Andy: T-bag boneā¦
Andy: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim: No, I didnāt notice anything.
Andy: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for yearsā¦.and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley: [On the phone] Youāve got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!
Jim: I donāt know what to tell you, man.
Andy: You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Jim: Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Andy: Bahā¦I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Jim: Nah, you definitely werenāt kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. [hands Andy slip of paper]
Andy: Hundred and twenty points.
Jim: Yeah. Big sale. Donāt worry about it though, I donāt really care about the points. I would like a point receipt thoughā¦[on phone] Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donaldā¦can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. [gets up to give Erin his point receipt]
Pam: Who talked to Maggie at Kaufmanās?
Erin: Yes! [adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.]
Jim: [on the phone]and Iām back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?
Pam: Whereās Angela? [Hands paper over her shoulder]
Andy: Hey Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin: Donāt talk to me! [Everyone continues to work busily]
Andy: [on phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of ā95. Hey there, um, Iām a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter hereā¦De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to moraleā¦uh why? Well, um I guess you could say Iām in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]
[Erin fills in drawing showing points, crowd cheers and claps]
Andy: Took āem one day.
Pam: Ready! [flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities] āIām not as think as you drunk I am!ā [crowd claps and cheers]
Ryan: I like it, I like it! [Pam flips the page]
Pam: Do Not Resuscitateā¦[mild cheering]
Andy: OK, keep in mind, itās not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car [nervous laughter] for a thousand pointsā¦.or best offer.
Phyllis: What else you got?
Pam: Oh, and then this was Phyllisās ideaā¦[shocked cheers] So nasty Phyllis!
Pam: We were hoping you could do something like thisā¦
Tattoo Artist: So, coming out of his butt is aā¦
Tattoo Artist: Babyā¦
Tattoo Artist: Yeah, no problem.
Andy: We should think about thisā¦does anyone have any better ideas?
Stanley: I like what we have.
Meredith: Looks good.
Kevin: For sure. [murmurs from group in agreement]
Andy: Just need a second outside.
Jim: Gettinā psyched up?
Jim: Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with thisā¦
Andy: Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ā¦.Confession: I donāt know what Iām doing.
Jim: I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts, unsure how to answer] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of funā¦.and you did that.
Andy: My ass is only so big, I mean I canāt do this everyday.
Jim: But I think itās big enough to buy you some time till your next great ideaā¦.which, by the way, I canāt wait for.
Andy: No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Andy: Letās inkā¦my stink! [crowd cheers]
Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
[Andy removes his pants]
Andy: [lying on table] Do your worst!
Tattoo Artist: Uh, you can keep your pants on actuallyā¦if just drop āem down a bit, thatād be great.
Andy: They are already off, my good sir.
Tattoo Artist: Iād really prefer they not be down.
Andy: Well, I think downās better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.
Pam: Do you think you could work from this? [showing Tattoo artist sketch pad] we made some small adjustments.
Tattoo Artist: OK, you want me toā¦
Pam: Just a few adjustments
Tattoo Artist: Alright, letās begin.
Andy: This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Tattoo Artist: That was just the cotton swab.
Andy: Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] OW! Oh! Oooh! [Crowd cheers] oh, whoa!!
Dwight: Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, Iām gonna like it.
Dwight: DRAW SOME BLOOD!
Robert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because heās all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.
Andy: [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] Itās a Nard Dog! [group cheers] Thatās my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim: Pull up your pants.
Robert: Thereās something about an underdog that really inspiresā¦the unexceptional.
Pam: Um, what should we talk about?
Angela: Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma Iām having.
Pam: Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.
Angela: A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I donāt know if I should call social services about it.
Pam: Angela, thatās pretty transparently me.
Pam: You know itās just herbal tea.
Angela: In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
Pam: Yeah. I think you should call social services.
Angela: I already did.
Pam: You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like weāre in this together.
Deleted Scene 1
Andy: When you're a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that's crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I'm manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way.
Andy: Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like better?
Phyllis: Just wear one of your bowties.
Kelly: No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options...
Kelly: Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They're for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It's like yeah Tucker, you're so street.
Andy: This is combo number seven.
All: Hmm, no.
Pam: I don't like that clip.
Andy: You're right, you're right, you're right. Uh! It's so hard to find an occasion for this clip.
Jim: I'd hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70's theme party, or a 70's theme meeting, or a 70's theme convention...
Andy: Thanks T-Dog.
Toby: I thought I was T-Dog.
Jim: Nope, he means tuna dog.
Andy: Tuna dog!
Deleted Scene 2
Andy: I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun and he was like āFly this plane to Cuba, and on the way bomb Texasā Well I don't know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don't have any bombs.
Erin: Hey. Maybe it'd help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea.
Andy: [sighs] Yeah.
Erin: What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top.
Andy: I don't have any ideas though.
Erin: Well I have an idea.
Andy: You do?
Erin: What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You'd get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart's.
Andy: Yeah....I don't think that's legal. It's a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this?
Erin: I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially.
Andy: You didn't have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain]
Erin: I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don't know why. I made it into a key chain.
Andy: You're the only person who's congratulated me.