Season 7 - Episode 14
Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by Michael Spiller
Original Air Date: February 3rd, 2011
Transcribed by Jason
Kelly: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Erin: Oh my gosh!
Kelly: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground]
Meredith: Sweet! Free Ring!
Ryan: Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.
Kelly: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
Pam: Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?
Kelly: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.
Ryan: It's not irrelevant. Details
Kelly: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...
Ryan and Kelly: I don't think I should be married to you anymore.
Andy: Sorry, when did you get married?
Kelly: Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.
Andy: And you didn't invite any of us?
Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake.
Ryan: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married.
Ryan: No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!
Kelly: Ryan, I changed my mind.
Ryan: Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?
Kelly: And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand]
Jim: All right. Bye.
Jim: Let's Go!
Michael: Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
Holly: For what?
Michael: You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly: Don't you have a sales call to go on?
Michael: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly: We don't know that.
Michael: Sure we do.
Holly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Holly: Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that.
Michael: Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.
Holly: Well you don't have to agree.
Michael: Yes I do.
Holly: No you don't.
Michael: Yes I do.
Holly: No, you can have your own opinion.
Michael: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Jim: He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.
Pam: Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny "Jim" game.
Jim: That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?
Pam: All right, what'd you do?
Jim: Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.
Pam: Where'd you put it?
Jim: Where'd I put what?
Michael: Let's go.
Jim: Oh, sorry gotta go.
Pam: Say it. Where?
Jim: Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer.
Pam: The fridge.
Jim: Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.
Pam: The fridge, got it.
Jim: And the final clue...
Michael: Let's go!
Jim: You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine.
Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.
Jim: Cheer up. We made a sale.
Michael: Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Jim: Well, I'm going the speed limit. So...
Michael: Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.
Jim: Someone's in a bad mood.
Michael: No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?
Jim: Alright, let me turn on some music.
Michael: I need to pee.
Jim: No you don't.
Michael: Yeah, I do. My word against yours.
Jim: Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes.
Michael: What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Jim: Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over.
Michael: Well I hope I make it.
Helen: Hi Jim, it's Helen.
Jim: Hey Helen. Is everything ok?
Helen: Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.
Helen: A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.
Helen: She's smiling. She's happy.
Jim: Oh my God.
Helen: Jim, I don't have a spare key.
Jim: Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?
Guy: [towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off]
Pam: This is Pam.
Jim: Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok.
Pam: What's wrong?
Jim: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?
Pam: Jim, what?
Jim: Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car.
Pam: Oh God! What?!
Jim: No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra.
Pam: Ok. She's ok?
Jim: Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.
Jim: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Pam: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a "Ask Pam Beasley". ... Did the phone cut off?
Pam: Alright, just call me after the doctor.
Jim: Ok. Bye.
Michael: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted.
Attendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.
Michael: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Attendant: Just make it quick.
Michael: Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?
Attendant: You don't know it.
Michael: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number.
Attendant: He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.
Michael: Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok.
Holly: It's the gas station on Benet Street?
Erin: You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?
Holly: Oh no no no. I'll be fine.
Erin: It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.
Dwight: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.
Pam: Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.
Oscar: Which on in particular?
Andy: Yeah, which one?
Pam: Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!"
Andy: Boo-yea! [office laughs]
Gabe: No no. No no no.
Pam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar: You suppose?
Darryl: What's it say?
Oscar: "I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again."
Gabe: Ok. [office laughs] No no no.
Kevin: Red gloves.
Darrly: Keep it real.
Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl: And I will take you all down.
Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.
Andy: Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.
Pam: Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes.
Kevin: I can't wait.
Dwight: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.
Erin: He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
Attendant: Yeah, he just left.
Holly: Which way did he go?
Dwight: Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.
Holly: Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Attendant: She's right. He went that way.
Dwight: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride.
Michael: [at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously.
Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dwight: Has Michael checked in?
Pam: Oh, hey Dwight.
Dwight: I asked you a question.
Pam: No, he hasn't.
Pam: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought...
Dwight: Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.
Dwight: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam: Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out...
Dwight: Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.
Pam: Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... [phone hangs up]
Dwight: No word from Michael.
Kevin: Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.
Oscar: Ok. I got one.
Gabe: Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.
Gabe: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Darryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar: Irony is such a critical...
Gabe: Number two: no pop culture references.
Gabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.
Darryl: Wrap it up, Gabe.
Gabe: Ok final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.
Gabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day.
Gabe: Go get 'em. Start quipin'.
Oscar: Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM.
Pam: Oh! Ok.
Darryl: Send me one too.
Andy: Yeah, yeah. Put me on that.
Michael: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog.
Hot Dog Guy: I'm not a pawn shop.
Michael: Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
Hot Dog Guy: Wow.
Michael: With that I can buy... half the menu.
Hot Dog Guy: I can't just go giving away hot dogs.
Michael: All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?
Hot Dog Guy: Throw 'em away.
Michael: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Hot Dog Guy: No.
Michael: Okay. You've just lost my business.
Erin: Hey, you were in there forever.
Dwight: There's too many brands. Where's Holly?
Erin: She wandered off like an idiot.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Holly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Cell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Erin: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...
Dwight and Erin: farts popcorn.
Dwight: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly: Are their egg rolls really that big?
Michael: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Waiter: No problem.
Michael: Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.
Waiter: So you can't pay for your food?
Michael: Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Waiter: You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.
Michael: Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
Waiter: [calling to the back] Mr. Chu!
Micahel: Okay, all right. You know what?
Waiter: You were trying to steal food from us?
Michael: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.
Waiter: You can't. We'll stop you.
Michael: Well, I think I can get through the door.
Dwight: Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...
Erin: [point to picture] It's Michael!
Waiter: He just left.
Erin: You knew.
Holly: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?
Dwight: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?
Waiter: I think he was heading downtown.
Dwight: He's heading downtown.
Gabe: So what, no one's even gonna try?
Pam: Guess not.
Gabe: Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.
Darryl: You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter]
Stanley: [whispers] Click the "x"
Phyllis: [whispers] I'm clicking!
Stanley: In the box.
Phyllis: I am clicking.
Stanley: Woman, you've had a computer for years!
Gabe: Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter.
Gabe: "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." [laughter]
Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy: Do the next one.
Gabe: "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'
Darryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe: Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha.
Oscar: That's tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe: More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." [laughter]
Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.
Kevin: Yes, well done!
Oscar: Who's is it? Who wrote that?
Phyllis: Yeah, who wrote it?
Angela: Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.
Erin: Where did he go, Holly?
Holly: I have no idea.
Dwight: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "this way, this way"?
Holly: I don't know.
Dwight: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!
Holly: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all.
Dwight: All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Erin: Okay. We fan out...
Dwight: Not you, Erin.
Holly: Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.
Dwight: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Holly: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.
Erin: Good. We don't need her.
Dwight: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.
Holly: [walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael?
Michael: Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here?
Holly: What are you doing up here?
Michael: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much.
Holly: I missed you too.
Michael: Can I kiss you?
Phyllis: Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.
Gabe: Uh, it was.
Meredith: Maybe it wasn't.
Gabe: "Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe."
Andy: Oh! [laughter]
Phyllis: No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.
Gabe: "I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]. [laughter] "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo."
Gabe: "Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her."
Phyllis: Yeah, there you go. [laughter]
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