Season 6 - Episode 11
Written by Gene Stupnitsky & Lee Eisenberg
Directed by B. J. Novak
Original Air Date: December 3rd, 2009
Transcribed by Joe
Andy: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah, Have a seat.
Andy: Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared.
Michael: Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Andy: Why would people say that?
Michael: I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me?
Andy: Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Andy: Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?"
Andy: "Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Michael: You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand."
Andy: Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.
Michael: You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Andy: Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.
Michael: Okay, who said that?
Andy: I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic.
Michael: [Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.
Andy: [baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis.
Michael: [as Elvis] You're welcome, baby.
Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim: Wow, what do you put our chances at?
Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.
Andy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.
Jim: Wow, that's not such a bad idea.
Andy: Great! [sits down]
Jim: Anything else?
Andy: Nope! [stands up and leaves]
Erin: Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those.
Erin: There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those?
Michael: I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Erin: That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder.
Erin: There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip Slip."
Michael: For what?
Erin: "Nip slip."
Michael: Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there...
Michael: Must be hackers.
Jim: Hey. What's up?
Michael: What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?
Jim: Did you murder someone?
Michael: Worse than that.
Erin: Oh, my God.
Michael: Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam.
Jim: I think she's okay.
Michael: Is that what we're going for now? "okay?" We used to go for "pretty good."
Jim: Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?
Michael: Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but...
Jim: You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager.
Michael: Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.
Jim: It would look bad. Sorry.
Michael: It would look good, on my mantle.
Andy: Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!
Dwight: Yeah! Your idea.
Dwight: My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.
Erin: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory?
Pam: [glances at it] Looks great.
Erin: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
Pam: Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
Phyllis: What's "Scott's Tots?"
Stanley: Has it really been ten years?
Stanley: [shows newspaper article and reads] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders"
Pam: Michael, why did you promise that?
Michael: To change lives.
Pam: No Michael, why would you promise that?
Michael: Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.
Erin: We've already rescheduled seven times.
Pam: Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done.
Pam: It's terrible.
Pam: Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get.
Michael: I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.
Michael: Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?
Michael: I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right.
Pam: You have to tell them.
Michael: Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin]
Erin: I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it.
Pam: It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth.
Michael: Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?
Dwight: Hey Jimmy, what's up?
Jim: Not much.
Dwight: Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
Jim: [laughs] Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: That laugh is so infectious.
Jim: You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.
Dwight: I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
Jim: Let me guess, you think you should get it.
Dwight: This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.
Jim: Well, in an ideal world...
Dwight: In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
Jim: Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away "Survival Skills" and "Self-defense."
Dwight: I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.
Jim: That's okay, I'll do it.
Mikela: Mr. Scott?
Michael: Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?
Mikela: I'm good.
Michael: Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?
Mikela: It's in the music room, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.
Michael: Well, you didn't even hear it.
Mikela: Everyone's so excited that you're here today.
Michael: Oh, good.
Mikela: Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first?
Erin: [points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous.
Mikela: I'm sure you remember this place.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Mikela: Do you want to go in?
Michael: No, not at all. Nope, come on.
Michael: Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just...
Mikela: We just want to say thanks.
Students: [cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!
Teacher: Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.
Students: [getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Lefevre: You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable!
Students: Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Dwight: Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-
Dwight: So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.
Kevin: Jim said that?
Dwight: He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
Kevin: Jim said that?
Dwight: You seem suprised.
Kevin: No, no, that makes total sense.
Dwight: Hey buddy, so every-
Oscar: Sure. [puts in the twenty]
Dwight: Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.
Teacher: Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much.
Lefevre: There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama.
Michael: [crying] Oh, God. Oh, God.
Jim: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is?
Andy: Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert.
Everyone: Huh? What?
Oscar: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: Oh, no!
Jim: Okay, wait, I was not... I did not-
Kevin: I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?
Jim: Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.
Angela: To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.
Jim: Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize.
Dwight: Yeah, you said "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize." Isn't that what you said?
Jim: No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But-
Phyllis: Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money.
Teacher: Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott.
Michael: All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go?
Teacher: Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period
Michael: Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?
Zion: I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother.
Michael: Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry.
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mikela: You lied to us.
Michael: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.
Lefevre: You owe this to us!
Michael: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.
Michael: Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.
Jim: Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway.
Andy: Correction. It was my idea.
Dwight: My idea!
Creed: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant.
Pam: Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Phyllis: That's fair.
Dwight: Excellent idea, Pam.
Pam: Thank you.
Andy: That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert.
Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight: There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam: No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Jim: Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?
Deliveryman: Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert.
Jim: Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake.
Kevin: Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim]
Angela: "It could only be you!" Way to go.
Dwight: He knew all along!
Kelly: I'm going to have some cake.
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Dwight: [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there?
Stephanie: No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?
Dwight: Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.
Dwight: [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.
Dwight: [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.
Lefevre: Hey, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Erin, can you give us a second?
Lefevre: That was messed up what you did.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Lefevre: Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that?
Michael: What can I do?
Lefevre: You can pay for my college.
Michael: I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?
Lefevre: They're expensive.
Michael: Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?
Lefevre: It's about $1,000.
Michael: Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year.
Lefevre: No, $1,000 each year.
Michael: For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around.
Lefevre: Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa.
Michael: That's a lot of zeroes.
Jim: This is Jim.
David Wallace: Jim, what the hell is happening there?
Jim: Hey, uh David.
Jim: So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it.
David: Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?
David: Am I missing something?
Jim: I really don't know how it happened, David.
Dwight: I know how it happened.
[Dwight is listening to the recording-pen from Jim's office]
David: Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion.
Jim: All right, it will not happen again. I promise.
David: Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you.
David: It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?
Jim: Yeah. Thank you.
David: Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend?
Dwight: Oh, you're kidding me!
Jim: See you.
Dwight: Damn it!
Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do---
Michael: Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Erin: No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy.
Michael: You're what, like, 12?
Erin: The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think.
Michael: I think you're doing a great job.
Michael: What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?
Erin: I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.
Erin: Yes, but I'm terrible at math so...
Michael: You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.
Michael: Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.
Michael and Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true.
Jim: See you tomorrow, Dwight.
Ryan: How's it going? Good day?
Dwight: Not now, Temp.
Ryan: Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan.
Dwight: What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan]
Ryan: I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
Dwight: So what do you want?
Ryan: I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.