Season 5 - Episode 23
Written by Charlie Grandy
Directed by Steve Carell
Original Air Date: April 23rd, 2009
Michael: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.
Michael: [honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied!
Ryan: We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.
Michael: Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam.
Pam: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton." in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
Pam: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?
Michael: Milk and sugar.
Pam: Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar?
Michael: That's what I said.
Pam: Do you drink this every day?
Michael: Every morning.
Michael: We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20-- of those.
Pam: [an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.
Charles: Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?
Jim: Oh, they're my client.
Charles: No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.
Dwight: [sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more.
Charles: In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.
Stanley: What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.
Charles: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.
Andy: Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.
Charles: Why are you telling me this?
Andy: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
Charles: Is this something you really want to have said?
Andy: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.
Charles: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-
Dwight: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.
Charles: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh--
Angela: Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.
Charles: Uh, well said, Angela.
Dwight: Been there, done that.
Michael: You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Ryan: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.
Michael: Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.
Pam: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?
Michael: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.
Pam: Yeah, I know what a loft is.
Ryan: Most dorm rooms don't even have that.
Michael: Most do in the magazines.
Ryan: Let's see what a delivery guy costs.
Michael: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
David Wallace: Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.
Jim: Hey, David.
Dwight: David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.
Charles: There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?
David: A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.
Charles: Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.
Charles: I feel like I should be thanking you.
Jim: [makes kissing, puckering sound]
Charles: The conference room is ready if we want to get started.
David: You know, I just want to address everyone first.
Charles: Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.
David: Hi, everyone.
David: Hi. Uh, look it's no secret--
David: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here-- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Phyllis: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.
David: I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?
Charles: Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?
Charles: Yeah, Jim--
David: I find that extraordinarily surprising.
Charles: He shows promise and Jim, I don't know-- I-- he's been a disappointment.
David: We'll bring them both in.
Charles: Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.
Dwight: Come along, afterthought.
Michael: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
Financial Guy: Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct--
Michael: They are correct, sir.
Financial Guy: Then you can't afford to pay him anything.
Michael: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Financial Guy: Your prices are too low.
Michael: Lowest in town.
Financial Guy: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?
Pam: Corporate greed?
Ryan: Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.
Financial Guy: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.
Financial Guy: But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
Michael: Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is.
Ryan: Explain what you think that is.
Financial Guy: Okay.
Michael: Explain that.
Financial Guy: As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...
Michael: Well, we don't--
Financial Guy: ...business expansion--
Michael: Whatever, yeah.
Financial Guy: At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.
Michael: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Financial Guy: They're actually putting you out of business.
Michael: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Ty: It's a program. There's no such thing--
Michael: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.
Ty: [presses key on computer] Crunch.
Pam: Did it help?
Michael: Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.
Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you."
Jim: Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?
Charles: God, no.
Dwight: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.
Charles: I agree.
Dwight: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
Jim: Really? Does he do good work or--
Dwight: [scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs]
David: Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.
Dwight: Five minutes exactly.
Charles: Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?
Dwight: Sure thing.
Jim: [opens phone] Hey. I saw you called.
Jim : You're just out of business?
Pam: We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Jim: Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.
Pam: That's what Michael said.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot"] Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring.
Pam: I like it.
Jim: Good, right? Hello.
Dwight: [over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.
Jim: Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it.
Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.
Michael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.
Pam: You want to hear something sad?
Michael: I would love that.
Pam: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.
Ryan: I never went to Thailand.
Ryan: I went to Fort Lauderdale.
Michael: Was it nice?
Ryan: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though.
Michael: I love Pad Thai.
Ryan: You've never had Pad Thai.
Michael: No. There's a lot I haven't done.
Jim: Now, this is the projection over three months?
Charles: We still have the inventory sitting-- [everyone starts chattering at once]
Dwight: Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say-- can I say something?
David: Yeah, yeah.
Dwight: There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.
David: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer.
Charles: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.
Jim: Oh, but you didn't.
Dwight: Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.
Charles: What is wrong with you?
David: Jim, you're-- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so--
Jim: I mean I guess-- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.
Dwight: You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?
Charles: No, Jim... I think you should go.
Jim: Okay, so I'll be back in, um-- back in a bit.
Michael: [knocking on door] Hmm?
Jim: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Michael: We're not hiring, Jim.
Jim: Actually here for something else.
Michael: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.
Jim: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.
Ryan: Oh, that's nice.
Jim: David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.
Pam: Seriously? Are you being serious?
Ryan: He's bluffing, Pam.
Michael: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl--
Michael: No-- We don't have--
Jim: Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.
Michael: [stammers] Uh... Yes.
Jim: Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.
Michael: Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.
Jim: Missed the last part.
Michael: That's a pun.
Jim: Got it.
Michael: Yep. Oh... wow.
Ryan: Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.
Michael: Of course not.
Ryan: That we're having any problem at all.
Michael: Nope, nope, nope.
Pam: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke.
Michael: Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.
Michael: Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it.
Pam: No, Michael.
Ryan: No, man. You're-- you're fine.
Pam: We have to come from a position of strength.
Michael: I'm good, I'm good.
Ryan: Just put it out of your mind.
Michael: It is. I'm good.
Michael: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables...
David: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.
Michael: And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Ryan: Michael, you haven't even heard--
Michael: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?
Michael: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
Angela: What do you hear?
David: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.
Michael: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
David: Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?
Michael: [stutters] We'll have to talk--
Ryan: We'll have to talk about this.
Michael: Just amongst ourselves.
David: Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.
Michael: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Michael: We are so rich.
Pam: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles.
Dwight: May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Charles: What? How'd you hear that?
Dwight: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.
Jim: Great work Dwight.
Dwight: Quiet you.
Jim: No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?
Dwight: You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
Charles: So how long can they stay viable?
Jim: What are your top five cases?
Dwight: I'm gonna answer Charles first.
Jim: Because you've solved zero cases.
Dwight: Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.
Charles: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Charles: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?
Dwight: I'm not-- I'm not following you.
Charles: You two are morons.
Jim: Got it.
Charles: Get out.
David: So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?
Pam: Can you give us another minute please?
Charles: Oh, okay.
Ryan: How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.
Pam: Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?
Michael: It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?
Ryan: I would rather have $60,000, honestly.
Pam: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.
Pam: Agreed. But that's all, okay.
Ryan: Yeah, discuss these things--
Michael: Shut up, shut up. Hello?
Michael: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
Charles: They don't make them anymore.
Michael: And I want Charles gone.
David: I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.
Charles: That's very kind of you to say, David.
Michael: I need him gone.
Michael: Okay, then I want Pam back.
David: Uh, you already have a new receptionist--
Pam: Thank you.
David: Pam's not a salesperson.
Michael: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.
Pam: That's right.
David: Okay. Please continue.
Michael: And Ryan.
David: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is--
Michael: You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.
David: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits--
Michael: And dental this time.
David: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.
Michael: These are our demands.
David: Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
Michael: That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
David: Okay. Deal. Okay?
Michael: Can we have the room please?
David: Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds]
Ryan: Yes, yes, yes!
Michael: Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!
Michael: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
Charles: Hey, guys--
Michael: No, no. You're done.