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Season 5 - Episode 19
"Two Weeks"

Written by Aaron Shure
Directed by Paul Lieberstein
Original Air Date: March 26th, 2009
 
Michael: I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left.
Kelly: Michael get to the good part.
Michael: Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door.
Oscar: At least he is in the building.
Michael: No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!
Everyone: [groans]
 
Pam: He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it.
 
Pam: Okay focus. Focus. You're in the right building, you're with the right people; what happened?
Michael: I looked at Wallace and I said "I quit!" and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said "You have no idea how high I can fly."
Stanley: Did you tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael: Why would I do that?
Angela: Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he was incompetent?
Kevin: That he's wasted 15 years of your life?
Meredith: Did you spit in his face?
Michael: You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.
 
Oscar: I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday. [laughs] But I dream... so...
 
Jim: [Michael has a 'sticky-hand' toy and snags a paper off Jim's desk and then laughs] About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.
 
Kevin: Michael is that scotch?
Michael: Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [in Oscar's ear] Clinky, clinky-clink. Come-on... come on, come on.
 
Michael: [slightly drunk] What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I'm going to stop worrying about calories.
 
Stanley: Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs?
Michael: I have a job.
Andy: For four more days.
Pam: Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael: Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job. You are head-hunted.
Jim: You called any headhunters?
Michael: Any good headhunter knows I am available.
Dwight: Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife,
Jim: Right, cause that's what we are talking about.
Charles: Uh, I need you to go over this client list and indicate any wrong or false data.
Michael: You're 'I need you to' is my command.
Charles: Okay.
 
Andy: Hey Michael...
Michael: Hey.
Andy: Can I talk to you a minute?
Michael: You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. [eats some spaghetti] Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!
Andy: I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What? [takes a present out from behind his back] What's that?
Michael: Oh! Hey. What is this about?
Andy: Um, you know, cause your leaving and so, it's a farewell...
Michael: Oh.
Andy: I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Michael: Me too, me too. Is this wine?
Andy: Ah... busted. Yes
Michael: I already have wine.
Andy: Oh.
 
Isaac: [interviewee enters office] Hello.
Pam: Hi.
Isaac: Isaac Silby here for the interview
Pam: Uh, yes. Please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes.
Isaac: Thank you. [to Michael] You interviewing too?
Michael: Hmm?
Isaac: Interviewing?
Michael: For?
Isaac: Regional manager.
Michael: Yes I am.
 
Charles: For regional manager I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.
 
Michael: Where you from?
Isaac: Philly.
Michael: That's a drive!
Isaac: Yeah, well this is one of the few places that's hiring. It's uh, its brutal out there.
Michael: [sighs]
 
Kevin: Pam?
Pam: Hmm?
Kevin: When will the new copier be ready?
Pam: I'm working on it Kev.
Kevin: You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Pam: It'll be ready soon.
Kevin: Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks.
Pam: Is that what 'soon' means to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.
Pam: Then come back soon.
 
Pam: During the course of business, a copier goes though something called 'Normal wear and tear.'
 
Creed: [feeding coins into a vent] I think it's 75 cents.
Oscar: That's a lot.
 
Angela: [Bandit is chewing on wires] Bandit, No! No no no!
 
Kevin: [dumps coffee all over the copier glass] Oh!
 
Pam: Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn't set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting. [holds up a huge manual]
 
Jim: [overhears loud monster noises] Its Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael: Thank you. [groaning ceases]
 
Michael: You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. [dials phone]
Phone: Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support. May God bless you. [girl's voice] Bye!
Michael: [sighs] What am I gong to do? Uh... [chuckles].
 
Michael: PSST! PSST!
Jim: Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh.
 
Michael: Okay, oh okay, okay. Close your eyes.
Jim: I would prefer not to.
Michael: Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company.
Jim: You're starting your own paper company?
Michael: yeah!
Jim: Why?
Michael: Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Jim: Do you know the industry is in decline?
Michael: Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
Jim: Right.
Michael: Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes.
Jim: No, I did that before, it added nothing.
Michael: Close them.
Jim: Okay. [keeps eyes open]
Michael: Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?
Jim: I am not gonna do this.
Michael: Obviously.
Jim: And you are not going to, either.
Michael: Oh, agreed, mmm, except...
Jim: Here's the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary. Because they're set up to do that kind of thing.
Michael: Hey hey... what's up Chuck?
Charles: Jim.
Jim: Hey.
Charles: what are you doing?
Jim: Nothing, just talking.
Charles: Okay, Michael handed in his 2-week notice, did you also hand in your 2-week?
Jim: I didn't... no.
Charles: Okay. After you.
Michael: No I'm staying.
Charles: Okay.
 
Dwight: [examining the copier manual] Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam: No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight: Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.
Pam: That's a really... well fine, Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight: Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser, or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam: Hmm...
 
Dwight: My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.
 
Michael: Pam, listen. This order form. Instead of saying "Dunder Mifflin" at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Pam: Like Michael Scott Paper Company?
Michael: You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
Pam: Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk.
Michael: This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.
Pam: Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know.
Michael: Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients. Half of them, at least. I can do it again. I know the market, I know the price points. I'm on it, don't worry. So, how do I do that?
Pam: Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image.
Michael: Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
Pam: Yeah. Good.
Michael: Thank you very much.
Pam: Mmm-hmm
 
Kelly: So that is why I have to leave at 5: 00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians..
Charles: You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.
Kelly: Yeah I don't like talking... [knock on door]
Charles: Come in...
Angela: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with anyone. I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar that I was telling you about. Earlier.
Kelly: Yep, we were in the middle of something so why don't you just...
Angela: Okay, um, actually you know it was so much fun last year. There was a Sunday-bar. I mean I didn't have any, you know, to stay trim.
Charles: Did Michael just let anybody in his office?
Angela and Kelly: Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people, communicating all the time. He was like 'Come on in!"
 
Charles: I am aware of the effect I have on woman.
 
Kelly: So you should be heading back to your desk.
Angela: Okay. Bye Charles. Well you'll let me know. Good bye.
Kelly: She's such a special person. And she's turning 50 this year.
 
Michael: I'm starting my own paper company.
Andy: No way!?
Michael: Yeah.
Andy: In this climate?
Michael: Yeah. In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in.
Andy: Ehh... [in accent] well it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... hmmm..[makes weird noises to stall, Dwight enters] Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that?
Dwight: Your own paper company.
Michael: Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so
Dwight: Right...
Michael: Potential, lots of potential. yes.
Dwight: What a courageous venture.
Michael: It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um...
Dwight: Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities...
Michael: That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.
Dwight: Okay. So yeah.
Michael: So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
Dwight: You know, I would love to put a pin in that.
 
Pam: Everyone, can I have your attention. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Right? [drum roll on copier]
Meredith: Little Ms. Thing wants attention.
Pam: Meredith... [copier has an error] Oh... so uh... G-44. It's not ready Kevin!
 
Pam: I'm at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did.
 
Oscar: [bites his sandwich and notices there is a note in it]
 
Oscar: You put a note in my food?
Michael: I made it sterile.
Oscar: Just to say "sterile" doesn't make it so.
Michael: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.
Oscar: Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research, financials?
Michael: No, no no.
Oscar: You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor thin. Best case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go 5 years without a salary, Michael?
Michael: Okay.
Oscar: Five years?
Michael: Okay, hey, you already have the job. You don't have to convince me.
Oscar: It's just not prudent Michael.
 
Michael: [from inside the restroom] Stanley?
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael: Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn't.
 
Michael: You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said 'Yes' to that either.
 
Pam: How's it working?
Phyllis: Um, let's see... it's fine.
Pam: Good.
 
Pam: I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels...
 
Charles: Hey Hank, You ready?
Hank: Yeah.
Charles: Okay, Michael?
Michael: Hmm?
Charles: I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up, walk out. And you can't take anything.
Michael: Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks...
Charles: not if you're starting your own paper company, Michael. Hank...
Hank: Okay Michael.
Michael: Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.
Hank: Come on man, let's, let's go.
 
Kevin: I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.
 
Michael: [to everyone] Well here we are... I would just like to...
Charles: No, no no no. You're done, Michael.
 
Michael: [yelling from Parking lot] Alright then everybody, I'm outta here!
Andy: [from behind the upstairs window] What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something.
Kevin: I think he's singing.
Oscar: I can't believe this is really happening.
Michael: ... and I feel free!
 
Oscar: And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone. [Michael sneaks back in the parking lot, and into a back door of the building]
 
Andy: The whole office feels darker, you know? It's just a sad dark day.
Phyllis: Andy He's gone.
Andy: I know.
Phyllis: You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.
 
Toby: Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And when it's over you're like... how much time is left on this flight? Now what?
 
Pam: [Michael is Army crawling around the office] Michael?
Michael: Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!
Angela: These are for employees only.
Michael: Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone.
Kevin: Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?
Michael: I was going to, I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere.
Kevin: But you didn't want to start with us?
Michael: No, of course not. But now I want everybody. Jim! Jim? Buddy, Hey! Buddy, Jimbo? Did you have time to think about my offer?
Jim: I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.
Michael: So which way are you leaning?
Jim: Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else.
Michael: Thanks Jim.
Charles: Hey, did anyone see the client list that Michael was supposed to be working on.
Dwight: No.
Charles: Okay, let me know if you find it.
Michael: Okay, Okay, we don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me people. Stop. Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me. Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height. Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future. Hello, I am your future. You're older, and you are very happy now. Because you went with Michael Scott. Right. So everybody come on down. Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright? Come on! Are you, are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? [Pam is thinking hard] Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot. Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on Phyllis. Here we go, here we go!
Charles: Michael get up!
Michael: Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on!
Charles: Michael, what are you doing?
Michael: I think maybe Hank should be here.
Charles: Hank? No, I don't need Hank Michael.
Michael: You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. [Charles steps towards Michael] Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it.
Pam: Oh no.
Jim: What?
Pam: I'm going with him.
Jim: What? Pam!
Pam: I'm going.
Jim: Pam! You can't be serious.
Pam: Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.
Michael: You are?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Okay. It's going to be great.
Pam: Great. Uh, except, I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Michael: Right... Executive assistant.
Pam: Salesman.
Michael: Alright, okay. Deal! Okay, well... Jim?
Jim: Still no.
Michael: Well, okay, lets go.
Pam: Oh, all my stuff is still upstairs so...
Michael: Are people watching?
Pam: Probably.
Jim: Michael, its not how you leave in an office. It how you...
Michael: Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here.
Jim: I'll bring your stuff home. Okay, bye.
Pam: Okay, see you later.
Michael: Bye.
 
Charles: So, we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't effect our day to day. But, until we get a new receptionist I want Kevin on the phones.
Kevin: Phones?
Charles: Also, there has been too much wasted time. So Stanley.
Stanley: [holding a crossword puzzle] Yes.
Charles: Yeah, I want you to be on top of that okay? I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Uh, okay that it on my list. So uh, you know, no excuses guys. Lets get going okay? [everyone leaves except Kevin and Stanley, who are sitting stunned in their chairs]