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Season 5 - Episode 14
Lecture Circuit Part 1

Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Original Air Date: February 5th, 2008
Michael: [breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]
Jim: This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.
Michael: [over PA] This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. [snickering] I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. [wheezing laughing, starts coughing] Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.
Jim: [disgusted groan]
Michael: Could I stick it with a pin?
Pam: Ugh.
Michael: [still talking over PA] Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets [Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket] because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.
Jim: [sighs and knocks on Michaels door]
Michael: You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.
Jim: That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...
Michael: What?
Jim: What the heck? Is that, uh... [bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors]
Michael: You find it?
Jim: I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.
Michael: All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael: Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Michael: [knocks on Pam's hotel door] Hello, good morning.
Pam: Good morning.
Michael: You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.
Michael: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughs] No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [looks at Pam] Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam: He brought a sled.
Michael: No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Pam: Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.
Michael: Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Pam: Separate rooms.
Michael: Well that goes without saying.
Pam: I'm going to say it anyway.
Michael: Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...
Pam: This is a new cardigan.
Michael: ...kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
Pam: No.
Michael: No. Oh, all right.
Jim: [front door slams, Kelly walks by] Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Screw you.
Dwight: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim: Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Jim: [Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview] Go ahead.
Dwight: Go ahead, you do it.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: I insist.
Jim: Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.
Dwight: What he said was... [puts finger toward Jim's face]
Jim: [pushes Dwight's finger away] Just, easy.
Dwight: ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight: [at the same time as Jim] I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. [shoves Jim's arm away] That's on my side.
Jim: So this is fun.
Kelly: My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
Pam: Can I turn on the radio?
Michael: No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Pam: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Michael: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Pam: That's dangerous.
Michael: Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
Pam: That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.
Michael: You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...
Pam: No, that was a long time ago.
Michael: Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Pam: No, I'm not even wearing that much.
Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...
Julia: Oh, this is a nice office.
Stanley: [laughs] You don't have to lie. Through here.
Andy: Um Phyllis, who's that?
Phyllis: She's out of your league Andy.
Andy: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Phyllis: Sexually?
Andy: This conversation is over.
Andy: I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.
Jim: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight: If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight: Hey, HEY.
Jim: [while Dwight and Kelly are arguing] Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
Kelly: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Dwight: Oh God.
Jim: Okay.
Kelly: In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.
Dwight: What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Kelly: Ice Cream.
Pam: [taking Michael's picture] Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Hello, Rolando, how are you?
Rolando: Hi.
Michael: Rolando, [clears throat] I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
Rolando: [sarcastically chuckles] Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.
Michael: Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.
Pam: Stop it, please.
Michael: That's what I do, steal my trick.
Pam: Please cut it out.
Karen: Hey. Hi, guys.
Michael: [notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Karen: What!
Pam: Michael!
Karen: Of course not!
Michael: Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Karen: Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Michael: Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?
Jim: [partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers] Are you kidding?
Dwight: Well, I'm not done yet.
Jim: Dwight. This, [picks up balloon] fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet
Jim: What is that? [looks at sign that says "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY."] It is your birthday period.
Dwight: It's a statement of fact.
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim: Okay, good then.
Dwight: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim: I am working on it.
Dwight: How much do you have?
Jim: Six dollars.
Dwight: [yelling] That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!
Jim: I said I was working on it.
Dwight: [sighs]
Andy: [looking into Julia's car] Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! [bangs on car and alarm goes off] Whoa! Aah, Aah! [backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm]
Michael: [on cell phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up phone, sighs] This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?
Michael: I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen: But now we think you're a liar.
Michael: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone]
Michael: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.
Michael: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.
Mark: Yes.
Michael: Got it. It works.
Karen: Uh, it's very insulting.
Michael: But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Mark: But we already know each other's names.
Michael: Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.
Karen: Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.
Michael: Oh, I still have more.
Karen: Can I please see you in my office, please?
Michael: She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K" Karen. Pam, let's go.
Julia: I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.
Andy: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? [starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234] One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...
Stanley: Four Splenda. Are you crazy?
Andy: Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.
Stanley: Are you out of your damn mind?
Andy: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.
Stanley: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
Andy: We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.
Stanley: You really like her, huh?
Andy: Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
Stanley: [thinks for a moment] Give me two clients for her.
Michael: I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."
Karen: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.
Michael: No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Pam: No it's not.
Karen: You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.
Michael: Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.
Pam: So when are you due?
Karen: Uh, in about a month.
Pam: Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.
Karen: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael: It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?
Karen: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.
Michael: Oh, great.
Karen: His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.
Pam: Oh, he's cute.
Karen: Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?
Pam: What is happening there? [points at picture]
Karen: Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.
Pam: It's really sweet.
Michael: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.
Karen: So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?
Pam: Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.
Karen: That's so great. That's great.
Pam: Thank you.
Karen: Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. [hugs pam]
Michael: Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.
Stanley: I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.
Andy: So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?
Julia: No, it could go straight to our business address.
Andy: Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?
Julia: Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.
Andy: [stammers] Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.
Andy: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar: [quietly] Oh, my desk is over... [quickly walks away]
Creed: This gal, she's really into you?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.
Creed: All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy: Wait, what?
Michael: I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.
Pam: I like her.
Michael: Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
Pam: I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.
Michael: Why?
Pam: Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.
Julia: Thanks for walking me out.
Andy: Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...
Julia: You must be freezing.
Andy: I am about to die. [laughs] Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Julia: Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.
Andy: Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
Julia: What's a "Nard-Dog"?
Andy: [points to self] This is the Nard-Dog.
Julia: [Andy leans in to kiss her] Whoa. What the hell?
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.
Julia: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.
Andy: Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?
Julia: No, I, I don't think so.
Andy: Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.
Julia: [chuckles] Okay.
Andy: Take care Julia.
Julia: Thank you.
Andy: [as Julia is pulling out] Sorry I tried to kiss y...
Andy: We lost the account.
Dwight: [struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings] Damn it! [answers phone] Dwight Schrute.
Jim: [over the phone] How old's Kelly?
Dwight: Who is this?
Jim: It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
Dwight: Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.
Jim: Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?
Dwight: Uh, 24. 37.
Jim: Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?
Dwight: [sighs] I'll call you back. [goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around]
Dwight: I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. [opens file] "Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center." Juvie. "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor..." Blah, Blah, Blah. [closes file]
Pam: Are you asleep?
Michael: No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?
Pam: No, remind me.
Michael: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.
Pam: Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly.
Michael: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.
Pam: Okay, lets go.
Michael: [scoofs] I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Pam: Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Jim: [leaning against Creed's desk] So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party.
Creed: I'd like to contribute.
Jim: Oh, great.
Creed: [opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill] There you go.
Jim: [looks at a three dollar bill]