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Season 3 - Episode 23
"The Job"

Written by Paul Lieberstein & Michael Schur
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Michael: [at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David!
David: [confused] Oh, Michael?
Michael: Are we all set?
David: Isn't our interview tomorrow?
Michael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello.
David: You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?
Michael: Thought I'd catch a show.
David: In the middle of a work day?
Michael: Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.
David: Okay.
Michael: Um, how many people are you interviewing?
David: We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people.
Michael: Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?
David: I don't think so.
Michael: Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?
David: I believe we put you in charge.
Michael: Ah, great. No further questions.
David: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Okay.
David: I'm really looking forward to our interview.
Michael: And I'm really looking forward to working with you.
Michael: I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late.
Kevin: [Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey.
Jim: Hey, Kev.
Kevin: What's different about you? You look worse.
Jim: Thank you.
Meredith: You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot.
Jim: Ohhh...
Meredith: Turn around.
Jim: No.
Meredith: Yes.
Jim: No way.
Meredith: Do it!
Andy: Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
Jim: [exhales loudly] Andy...
Andy: What is it, Big Haircut?
Jim: Nothing.
Andy: Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut.
Jim: Yup.
Andy: What?
Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.
Pam: Hey. I think it looks great.
Jim: Thanks, Pam.
Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you.
Michael: [knock on door] Yeah.
Dwight: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: But that's my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you.
Michael: Okay. Uh...
Dwight: [cries harder] Thank you, Michael.
Michael: Uh, okay.
Dwight: [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much.
Michael: Stop crying.
Dwight: [sobbing] Thank you.
Michael: Ohhhhh...
Pam: Hey.
Karen: Hey.
Pam: Um, about the beach...
Karen: It's okay, we all say things without thinking.
Pam: Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird.
Karen: [confused] Oh. Okay.
Karen: Pam is... kind of a bitch.
Karen: Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit.
Jim: Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it.
Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city.
Michael: Why so you can do it?
Karen: [looks annoyed]
Jim: Whoops.
Michael: No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger...
Jim: Hmmm.
Karen: Heh.
Michael: Moon each other.
Jim: Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael: All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael: Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael: Cruise control.
Karen: Oh.
Kevin: So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?
Jim: Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now.
Kevin: Pam is taller.
Jim: You sure?
Kevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.
Jim: Wow.
Kevin: I think Karen has a prettier face.
Jim: Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else?
Kevin: Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call.
Jim: Hm. Really tough call.
Kevin: Yeah.
Jim: You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got.
Kevin: Will do.
Jim: All right. [smiles]
Oscar: Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs]
Pam: Wow, very funny.
Stanley: I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Kelly: Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam.
Pam: [smiles]
Meredith: You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
Creed: Check it out.
Ryan: Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking.
Michael: There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.
Kevin: Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?
Michael: No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me.
Oscar: Maybe you should talk to her? Before...
Michael: No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.
Oscar: Michael...
Kevin: What?
Angela: Why?
Oscar: I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense.
Michael: Yes, I...
Angela: Wha? Who gave you that advice?
Kevin: Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo...
Michael: I have to buy another place.
Angela: But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk]
Oscar: You're not sure that you have the job.
Michael: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.
Dwight: How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?
Angela: No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.
Dwight: No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I'm taking his job.
Angela: [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.
Dwight: [squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh hey, Dwight.
Dwight: I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim: Go.
Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year.
Dwight: Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Andy: [signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view.
Dwight: Yes you will.
Michael: Who is D. Abramson?
Pam: He's from that company in Pitts...
Jan: [walks through front door] Michael.
Michael: Why... are you here?
Jan: Uh, how are you?
Michael: I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you.
Jan: I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute?
Michael: Why privately?
Jan: I just, [quietly] I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things.
Michael: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of.
Jan: Okay.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem.
Pam: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
Pam: What about Meredith?
Michael: No. She's an alternate.
Michael: So, how you been?
Jan: Been good.
Michael: Good.
Jan: Good.
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail.
Michael: Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.
Pam: So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room.
Karen: 'Cause of Jan again?
Karen: Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?
Pam: Uh, sure.
Karen: Thanks.
Pam: I really hope you get the job.
Karen: Thanks. [looks suspicious]
Jan: After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation.
Michael: Hmm.
Jan: To kinda clear my mind.
Michael: Sound good. Sounds fun.
Jan: It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time.
Michael: Hmm..
Jan: I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together.
Michael: Would you excuse me for a second?
Jan: Ohh... [Michael leaves and walks into conference room]
Michael: Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together.
Phyllis: What are you gonna do?
Michael: I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please...
Karen: Do you want to get back together with her?
Michael: No, no. What do I do?
Pam: Just don't get back together with her.
Michael: What if she makes me?
Angela: How can she make you get back together with her?
Michael: She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.
Pam: This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her.
Michael: I wasn't.
Pam: You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong.
Michael: You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together.
Pam: Right.
Michael: Wow.
Karen: Do it.
Michael: I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you.
Michael: [walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged]
Michael: Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.
Pam: Oh my God. [mouths to Jim] Huge!
Jim: Yeah, bigger actually.
Pam: [whispers] That's crazy!
Jim: Mm-hm.
Pam: [mouths] Wow!
Karen: [moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that?
Jim: Unbelievable.
Karen: Wow!
Jim: She could put the cup right there.
Karen: I know!
Pam: No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time.
Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.
Kevin: I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers.
Creed: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Jan: So... [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently.
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.
Michael: First got priorities.
Jan: And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation...
Michael: Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]
Michael: No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent.
Dwight: Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name] Andrew Bernard.
Andy: Saving the best for first!
Karen: All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!
Dwight: No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.
Oscar: Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck]
Dwight: What did I say!?
Pam: [to Jim] Good luck.
Jim: Thanks.
Pam: I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That's Popeye.
Dwight: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy: White, because it contains all other colors.
Dwight: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.
Dwight: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?
Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.
Dwight: [Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed.
Andy: Damn it!
Dwight: This interview is over. I'll let you know.
Karen: [Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview.
Jim: Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or...
Karen: Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house.
Jim: Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?
Karen: No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me.
Jim: Oh...
Karen: 'Cause I'm going to get the job.
Michael: [holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable.
Jan: Thanks.
Michael: Wait, wait. Check one more time.
Jan: Oh, okay.
Michael: Very good [Jan nods]
Jan: Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?
Michael: Yes, indeed.
Jan: Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye.
Michael: So, I guess we're getting back together.
Pam: What happened?
Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.
Michael: Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.
Karen: So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?
Jim: Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?
Karen: How often do you come here?
Jim: Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip.
Karen: I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim.
Michael: Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck.
Dwight: [Dwight clicks off tape player] Who's ready to work?
Jim: [Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.
Karen: That wasn't him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was]
Karen: So what's going to happen to us when I get this job?
Jim: Oh do you mean when I get the job?
Karen: Well, if you get the job then I'd move here with you. Would you move with me? I'm not stupid. I was at the beach. We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there.
Jim: You mean Kevin?
Karen: Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there.
Jim: Yeah, I do. C'mon. [they hold hands and cross street]
Michael: [exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything?
Karen: Uh, no, we're good. Thanks.
Michael: I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.
Jim: [points at bearded man] Who's that?
Michael: That is Beardy.
Jim: Beardy?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I'm gonna introduce myself.
Michael: No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so...
Michael: I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.
Dwight: Michael is gone.
Andy: Hail to the chief!
Dwight: My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.
Andy: My first order of business: accept.
Dwight: As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug]
Andy: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael's mug]
Michael: Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.
Hunter: Uh, administrative assistant.
Michael: Jan in yet?
Hunter: I think she's comin' in... later.
Michael: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?
Hunter: Sure.
Michael: Just say, "I want to squeeze them." It's code. She'll know what it means.
Hunter: Okay.
Michael: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the "motorboat" noise] "Brbrbrbrbr!" also?
Dwight: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Pam: Thank you.
Dwight: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager.
Pam: Really?
Dwight: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.
Pam: You will be your own assistant.
Dwight: Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam: Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely, I do.
Pam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, "Absolutely, I do."
Michael: [knocks on door] Hello, hello!
David: Michael, good to see you!
Michael: Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
David: Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael: Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael: Thank you.
David: Very good.
Phyllis: Dwight is our new boss.
Oscar: Oh, Michael's not going anywhere.
Pam: Then who do you think will get the job?
Kevin: Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.
Phyllis: I think it's gonna be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.
Oscar: [laughs] Mm. Yeah.
Dwight: Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
Pam: [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
Dwight: Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.
Oscar: So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?
Dwight: Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Stanley: Amen.
Dwight: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Kevin: [raises hand] Do we have to?
Dwight: Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is "me." Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!
Pam: I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.
David: What do you think we could be doing better?
Michael: I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, "Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!" I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, "Super Duper Paper. It's super duper." I don't know, something like that.
David: Okay!
Michael: Okay.
David: Thanks for comin' in, Michael.
Michael: Thank you.
David: It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Michael: It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So... I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.
David: You're back together.
Michael: Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals.
David: Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job.
Michael: I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?
David: No, we're letting Jan go.
Dwight: Listen up. Let's start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Trees.
Dwight: Trees! And where do trees grow?
Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Forest.
Dwight: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head "no"] Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?
Stanley: Liquid.
Dwight: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley: I don't want it.
Dwight: Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
Stanley: Make it 100.
Dwight: We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Dwight: Okay---
Andy: That's it!
Dwight: What---
Andy: Class is canceled, everybody out!
Dwight: No wait, what are you doing?!
Andy: I'm punishing them.
Dwight: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.
Everyone: [grumbling, getting loud]
Pam: HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam]
Oscar: What--- What are you winking for?
Dwight: Zip your lid!
Karen: So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows?
David: Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but...
Karen: Yeah?
David: ...what do you think about Michael Scott?
Karen: He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now.
David: This is off the record.
Karen: He would be disaster.
Jan: Hey you!
Michael: Hey.
Jan: How was your interview?
Michael: Pretty good.
Jan: Yeah?
Michael: Could have gone better I guess.
Jan: Oh. [they kiss] I'll put in a good word for you.
Michael: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Jan: What?
Michael: Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun.
Jan: What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there?
Michael: I can't tell you.
Jan: Tell me what?
Jan: You son of a bitch!
David: Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview---
Jan: You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan: Erratic?
David: Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to---
Jan: [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these?
Michael: Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan---
Jan: No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!
David: It's not.
Jan: No?
David: It's not.
Jan: 'Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about.
David: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael: Hey! You're unstable!
Jan: Yeah!
Michael: No--- We're all unstable.
Jan: Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving.
Michael: David, I did not tell her.
Andy: It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall.
Dwight: It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. [laughs]
Andy: This is gonna look so awesome!
Dwight: It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!
Andy: [laughs] Totally!
Jan: [giving a hug] Bye Hunter.
Hunter: Bye.
Jan: Good luck with your band.
Hunter: Oh, thank---
Jan: Don't let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored].
Michael: So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.
David: Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction.
Michael: Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
David: No, we're not giving you the job.
Michael: You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?
David: I do.
Michael: Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.
David: Yes.
Michael: Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them... excellent candidates.
Karen: Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction.
Jim: Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.
Karen: Don't! She's nuts! [they laugh]
Jim: Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want.
Karen: Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so...
Jim: Okay.
Karen: Just call me when you're done.
Jim: Sure.
Karen: Good luck, Halpert.
Jim: Thank you.
Receptionist: [phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure.
Jan: Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just so rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy!
Michael: I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible.
Jan: Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... [laughs]
Michael: Well, it's... [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK.
Jan: [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?
Michael: [whispers] I don't know. [normal volume] Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
Jan: Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really!
Michael: [in the office, imitating the terminator] I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack!
Pam: How'd it go?
Michael: No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon.
Michael: Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. "Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in." Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black?
Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael: That's stupid.
Dwight: It was Andy's idea.
Michael: You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee.
Ryan: I don't do that stuff anymore.
Michael: No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids.
Michael: So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones.
Pam: Did... Karen get the job?
Michael: [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin' on that coffee.
Dwight: Pam, hello.
Pam: Dwight, hello.
Dwight: I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute]
Pam: No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But--- you--- that is, a, um, you know, not--- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay.
David: I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.
Jim: I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh]
David: Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy.
Jim: Thanks.
David: Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet---
Jim: I'm sorry, wait, so is the question "How'd I get to be so awesome?" [laughs] Because, I don't have an answer for you. [laughs]
David: Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?
Jim: Yes, absolutely.
David: And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out...
Jim: Oh, no, absolutely.
David: ...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads "Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam" It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up...
Jim: [hands David his papers] There you go.
David: How do you think you function here in New York?
Jim: [not thinking clearly because of Pam's note] What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a [sic] energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that's a... bonus.
David: You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam's note] What have you liked most about that place?
Jim: [thinks] The friendships.
David: Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Jim: [flashback to Beach Games] How are your feet?
Pam: Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh]
Jim: The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here.
Pam: I know.
Jim: And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back.
Pam: Well, I wish you would.
Pam: [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you.
Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally--- [Jim walks in]
Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then... it's a date.
Pam: [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I'm sorry, what was the question?
David: [on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan: [on phone, smiling] I'm excited too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done.
Kelly: What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera]
Deleted Scene 1
David: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Michael: Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day.
David: A... multivitamin?
Michael: Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future... is me.
Phyllis: Michael, what happened?
Michael: Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is... my home. And home is where the hardest.
Oscar: Home is where the heart is.
Michael: Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not!
Deleted Scene 2
Kelly: Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward.
Pam: Mmm-hmm. [nods]
Kelly: But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn't feel the same way, and then he'll be gone.
Pam: Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam's shoulder] Oh.
Kelly: Pam, he's just not that into you.
Pam: Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me.
Kelly: No, seriously Pam, wake up.
Pam: Okay.
Pam: Kelly made me realize something. She and I have... nothing in common. And I need more friends.
Deleted Scene 3
Dwight: Define scorched earth policy.
Andy: When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi...
Dwight: Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?
Andy: It is the source of all energy on this planet.
Dwight: Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens.
Andy: I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... [long pause] and quick on my feet.
Dwight: Who was the second man on the moon?
Andy: Trick question. There was no second man on the moon.
Dwight: Inventor of the cotton gin.
Andy: Eli Edison.
Dwight: Talk me through an appendectomy.
Andy: Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere.
Dwight: Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] ...the wound.
Andy: Re-suture. Sutures, yes.
Dwight: When is the Paleolithic Age?
Andy: 17 B.C.
Dwight: What is a scented candle?
Dwight: How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back.
Deleted Scene 4
Michael: New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win.