Season 3 - Episode 18
Written by Michael Schur
Directed by Jeffrey Blitz
Karen: So do you want to see it or not?
Jim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...
Karen: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic.
Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Jim: Absolutely correct.
Kevin: Later, Jim.
Jim: Kev, have a good weekend.
Karen: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up.
Jim: Here we go...
Karen: ...and we're gonna go to dinner.
Karen: And then we're gonna go to the movies.
Jim: Sounds good.
Roy: Hey Halpert!
Jim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim]
Pam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy]
Roy: [screams in pain] Ahh God!
Dwight: Pam, please call security!
Dwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray]
Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there?
Toby: I'm... here, Jan.
Jan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?
Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Jan: Thank God.
Toby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his...
Michael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Jan: What did I tell you about "yeppers?"
Michael: I don't... remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked.
Jim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.
Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Jim: Okay. Um... Got you something.
Dwight: Don't want it.
Jim: You don't know what it is.
Dwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
Jim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.
Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Oscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up.
Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Oscar: It was crazy.
Angela: You saw it? Describe it please.
Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Oscar: It was insane!
Angela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight.
Michael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Jim: Where'd you get that?
Michael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Michael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.
Michael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish]
Jim: I can't hear you.
Michael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]
Jim: Still nothin'.
Michael: Ok, see what I did?
Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.
Michael: Ok, let's try another one. Um...
Michael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Jim: And what happens in this one?
Michael: It's a surprise.
Michael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Can I have a raise?
Michael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room]
Jim: [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.
Michael: No, what did you say?
Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
Michael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
Dwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Toby: Which is where?
Dwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Toby: Thanks Dwight.
Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done.
Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan: Well that was funny, that's why.
Kelly: Oh it was?
Kelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night...
Kelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down...
Ryan: You know what? I didn't---
Toby: Can you stop...
Kelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.
Toby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe...
Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night...
Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!
Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius.
Michael: [knock on door] Yeah.
Darryl: You ready for me?
Michael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
Michael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room.
Michael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.
Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off.
Michael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.
Michael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first.
Darryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Michael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now.
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes?
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.
Michael: No, this is a power suit.
Darryl: That there's a woman's suit.
Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Darryl: I'ma call Roy, man.
Michael: Ohh... kay.
Darryl: This is gonna make him feel better.
Michael: All right.
Darryl: This is too good.
Michael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
Pam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!
Kevin: You're wearing a woman's suit?
Michael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.
Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.
Kevin: Who makes it?
Michael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.
Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?
Phyllis: Did you see...
Michael: Would you stop it, please?
Jim: So, none of that tipped you off?
Michael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut.
Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
Michael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]
Pam: [Laughing, covering her mouth]
Michael: Italians don't wear pockets.
Pam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little.
Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?
Michael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Darryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Michael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.
Darryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails.
Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes.
Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?
Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind.
Karen: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared.
Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story.
Karen: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.
Karen: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Angela: [flustered] Goodness.
Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
Michael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Darryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise.
Michael: [mumbles jibberish]
Darryl: What? I can't hear you.
Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point.
Darryl: I can't--- what, Mike? Are you---
Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument.
Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed.
Jim: Yeah, that was nuts.
Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now.
Jim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.
Pam: Jim... I am really... sorry.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
Michael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Darryl: Why can't I just... tell you?
Michael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide--- slide it, yes.
Darryl: There you go.
Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious.
Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want.
Michael: I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much.
Darryl: Come on, be for real Mike.
Michael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Darryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this?
Michael: Plus perks, yes.
Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]
Michael: Fourteen years.
Michael: No, please, please...
Darryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs]
Michael: Ok, let's take 15, again.
Michael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that.
Jim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.
Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Jim: Boy I---
Dwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?
Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.
Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Kevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me.
Michael: I didn't give you $40.
Creed: In a way you did.
Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.
Darryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up]
Michael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
Michael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.
Michael: Well what am I supposed to do?
Darryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Michael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have.
Michael: [exhales] That's true.
Darryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Michael: You know what? I should.
Darryl: Yeah, you should.
Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
Darryl: Fourteen years long.
Michael: You know what? I deserve a bump.
Darryl: Make it happen, cap'in.
Michael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant.
Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---
Angela: You're useless.
Jan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Michael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.
Jan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Michael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.
Jan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?
Jan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...
Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.
Jan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.
Michael: [sighs] Fine.
Kelly: You are so mean.
Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid.
Michael: Toby, come on. Let's go.
Michael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?
Darryl: Comfortable, Mike?
Michael: Yeah. Fine.
Darryl: How about you, man. Comfortable?
Michael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way.
Darryl: Thank you.
Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Michael: Mm, the Big Apple.
Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Toby: How would we get home?
Darryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.
Michael: Maybe I'll stay.
Darryl: Mm, it's not that big.
Darryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick.
Michael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I...
Kelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!"
Angela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings]
Kelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...
Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me
Michael: All right.
Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself.
Roy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions "Don't worry about it"] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?
Pam: I don't know.
Roy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly]
Kevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim--- Roy--- Look out!
Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.
Jan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay.
Michael: Who's the boy toy?
Jan: That's my new assistant.
Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Toby: Hi, Jan.
Jan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First--- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Michael: Pippity poppity.
Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Michael: Six percent? After all we've been through?
Jan: Oh, God.
Michael: I got you... jade earrings.
Michael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.
Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.
Pam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.
Roy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?
Pam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend.
Roy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.
Pam: No, there were a lot of reasons.
Roy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: What's this?
Jim: What's what?
Dwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute"
Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.
Dwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Jim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice...
Michael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!
Jan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.
Jan: Ok, Toby, how about if you...
Jan: What's wrong with you?
Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---
Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Michael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---
Jan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Michael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
Jan: No. But we can offer you 12.
Michael: But you just said 15.
Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan--
Stanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river.
Stanley: Mm, how many bedrooms?
Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Angela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Dwight: Mm, good stuff.
Angela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.
Dwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees]
Jim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even.
Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you...
Andy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD!
Dwight: No need to thank me.
Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono.
Michael: Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.