Season 3 - Episode 14
Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Randall Einhorn
Michael: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---
Dwight: How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Michael: How, would you stop interrupting please?
Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.
Michael: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever.
Dwight: [Shakes head]
Michael: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Michael: We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam: No. No. [Leaves]
Michael: Come on.
Michael: [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Michael: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
Michael: And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight: What if he's a murderer?
Michael: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight: Maybe that's how you die.
Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Dwight: I want to do this.
Michael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Michael: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
Michael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Michael: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.
Michael: What's up spinsters?
Angela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.
Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.
Jim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.
Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.
Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Packer: Shut up!
Packer: Shut it!
Karen: That's rude.
Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Michael: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor]
Packer: What happened?
Michael: Oh God-
Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael]
Michael: No, no, no!
Michael: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Packer: I have a full day of sales calls.
Michael: You should get out of them.
Packer: [Breaks pencil.]
Michael: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael: I did not order a stripper.
Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael: Um, not personally, no.
Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael: So that's what that means.
Michael: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself]
Dwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself]
Michael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP ANGELA!
Pam: Everything okay?
Jim: Oh yeah. Why?
Pam: Well you seem a little tired.
Jim: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam: You should get more sleep.
Jim: Yeah, I know I should.
Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim: No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Jim: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Pam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God.
Michael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: I'm on it.
Michael: Well get on it. And make it happen.
Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Jim: Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy.
Dwight: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Dwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Ryan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Michael: [Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes?
Jim: Are you okay?
Michael: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Jim: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Jim: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.
Michael: And you think that'd be sexy?
Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Ben Franklin: Hold the door please!
Ben Franklin: Thank you.
Michael: Oh. Hello!
Ben Franklin: Hello!
Michael: You wearing a thong?
Ben Franklin: What?
Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
Angela: [Spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis]
Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth: I'm the stripper.
Dwight: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.
Jim: [Phone rings] Oh God.
Dwight: [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of."
Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
Karen: Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Yes?
Karen: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.
Michael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. Yes.
Ryan: Oh gross.
Michael: But I got all the foot off of it.
Pam: Okay Ben Franklin!
Karen: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.]
Michael: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley: [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course.
Karen: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?
Pam: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
Karen: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam: What do you mean?
Karen: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?
Pam: Oh yeah.
Pam: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
Pam: I'm not into Jim. Yeah.
Karen: So um, well good.
Pam: Yeah. Sorry.
Karen: What are you sorry about?
Pam: Um, what?
Karen: What are you sorry about?
Pam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.
Kevin: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.
Michael: I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table]
Michael: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Hi guys!
Michael: Nice outfit.
Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here.
Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art.
Elizabeth: Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom?
Michael: He's right there. There he is.
Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.
Michael: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?
Elizabeth: Just sit on down.
Elizabeth: Here we go.
Michael: Here we go. Alright!
Michael: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that?
Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt]
Michael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!
Dwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Dwight: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.
Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster.
Angela: Thank you.
Kevin: [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper]
Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Michael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.
Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you.
Dwight: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd.
Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Dwight: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course!
Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
Jan: [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?
Michael: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
Michael: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan: Uh when, when did, when last night?
Michael: No, today at work.
Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael: Yes. I kind of arranged it.
Kelly: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Ryan: Kelly don't do this.
Kelly: Do what? I just asked you a question.
Ryan: You know what you're doing.
Kelly: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Jim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Pam: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Elizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth: You could strip you know.
Michael: So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan: I'm closer to firing you.
Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
Jan: I'll talk to you later.
Michael: You are. You are.
Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Dwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted?
Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal.