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Season 3 - Episode 12
"Traveling Salesmen"

Written by Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg, and Gene Stupnitsky
Directed by Greg Daniels
 
Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Michael: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Pam: Yeah.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Harvey: Boobs.
 
Kevin: Angela.
Angela: What?
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
 
Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.
 
Angela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]
Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those.
 
Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Michael: Oh.
Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley: ... I'll take the kid.
 
Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."
 
Michael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim: Yup. I'll trade.
 
Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.
 
Andy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Yup?
Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael: Please.
Andy: He does your laundry?
Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this "Amazing Race"?
Michael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight: Come on!!
Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]
Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Andy: Bueno.
Phyllis: Do you have a pole?
Karen: Let's go get a broom.
 
Jim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?
Dwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.
 
Michael: Here we go.
 
Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
 
Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
 
Angela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Pam: Really?
Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.
Pam: Ok. Sure.
Angela: Ok.
 
Karen: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?
Phyllis: Um-hmmm.
 
Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
Stanley: You want the lead?
Ryan: Yeah, if you don't mind.
Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
 
Dwight: Leave the keys.
Jim: You still do that thing?
Dwight: Leave the keys!
 
Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?
Michael: Hawkman.
 
Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.
 
Jim: After you sir.
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]
 
Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
Angela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam: That's great.
Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?
 
Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Buyer: Yep.
Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Michael: No.
Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it.
Andy: Ow.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?
 
Andy: Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Michael: Yes.
 
Andy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
Michael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.
Andy: I really 'Schruted' it.
Michael: What?
Andy: 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.
 
Phyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Karen: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
 
Julius: Stanley Hudson.
Stanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Guy: Stanley.
Stanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Ryan: Hi.
Stanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Ryan: Oh...
 
Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Man: 'Kay. 'Kay.
Dwight: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Dwight: Thanks.
Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight: [On Phone] One...
Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
Dwight: Three...
Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...
Dwight: Seven...
Jim: We can custom make them.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today.
Kevin: How much did you win?
Pam: $100.
Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Pam: Cool. Congratulations.
Kevin: Thanks, so sweet.
 
Stanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!
 
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It's very.
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.
Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]
Dwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Jim: Thanks.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Pam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest.
Angela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
Pam: Oh.
Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Oh?
Angela: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.
Angela: Well then. Have a nice day.
 
Karen: Thanks. That was fun.
Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Phyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen: That's nice.
Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
 
Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael: He didn't say.
Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong.
 
Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.
 
Dwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.
Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim: We should go on a double date.
Dwight: No thank you.
 
Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc."
Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Andy: Oh, doggie.
 
Karen: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?
Jim: Sure. Look at you!
Karen: Yeah.
 
Newpeat Quote
 
Jim: Beesley, coffee?
Pam: No, thanks. I had some already.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: I won an art contest today.
Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Which one was it?
Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors.
Jim: Cool.
Pam: It was the new one I did.
Jim: Oh
Karen: You ready Jim?
Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Congratulations.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Big deal.
 
Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael: Where were you this morning?
Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Michael: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight: I am not a liar.
Michael: You are lying right now.
Andy: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
 
Dwight: It's going to be ok.
Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
 
Karen: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen: I moved here from Connecticut...
Jim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Karen: 'Kay.
 
Dwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .
 
Andy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.
 
Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
Michael: Good luck.
 
Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.
 
Angela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
 
Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.
 
Jim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]
Karen: What happened on your sales call?
 
Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good.