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Season 3 - Episode 11
"Back From Vacation"

Written by Justin Spitzer
Directed by Julian Farino
 
Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?
Dwight: Tape recorder.
Jim: For what?
Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
 
Michael: Hey, mon!
Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
Pam: OK.
Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.
Pam: It's kind of serious.
Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.
Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
 
Jim: You want to talk about it?
Karen: Nope.
 
Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.
 
Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]
Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Pam: Huh.
Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael: Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
 
Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?
 
Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."
Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.
 
Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.
 
Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]
Everybody: What? Where?
Pam: On the left.
Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.
 
Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
 
Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.
Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.
Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.
Michael: Oh no?
Packer: No.
Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Packer: Well, no. I got nothing.
Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh.
Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com. Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh.
Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?
 
Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?
Roy: He's in the office.
Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl: All right, what's up Mike?
Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh huh.
Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]
 
Jim: Yikes.
Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend.
Jim: Fantastic.
Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.
 
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: You OK?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You sure?
Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it?
Jim: Really?
 
Michael: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight: Who's the target?
Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."
Dwight: What's it of?
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael: OK, forget it.
Dwight: OK, I accept it.
 
Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.
Pam: Hmm.
Jim: Hmm, what?
Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Jim: Yeah, I guess.
Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.
 
Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.
 
Jim: Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]
 
Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Michael: Not now, not ever.
Toby: About you and Jan.
Michael: Aww, none of your business.
Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.
Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.
Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby: All right, thanks Michael.
Michael: OK.
 
Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?
 
Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.
Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great.
Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.
Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?
 
Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse.
Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph.
Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.
 
Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]
Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!
 
Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---
Kevin: Jan.
Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...
Jim: Urkel Grue.
Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?
 
Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]
Pam: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: What are you doing out here?
Michael: Island living. You know?
Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.
Michael: Did she say what it's about?
Pam: That's all she said.
Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]
 
Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]
Karen: You sure?
Jim: Definitely.
 
Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
Michael: There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight: There were. A lot of them.
Michael: All right.
 
Karen: I think I owe you one.
Pam: Sorry?
Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.
Pam: Sure.
 
Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.
 
Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he?
Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing.
Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah.
Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here.
Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?
 
Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Michael: Guh.
Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan.
Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin: Yeah. How was it?
Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Michael: OK, yup.
 
Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael: I...
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Michael: I... I... Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Michael: OK, yeah.
Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I...
Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.
Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Jan: Good, good.
Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...
Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...
Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]
Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Michael: Jan, you... complete... me.
Jan: Oh, God.
 
Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.
 
Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]
 
Deleted Scene 1
 
Michael: I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.
 
Michael: Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be.
 
Pam: Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this.
 
Deleted Scene 2
 
Dwight: Hello, you're back.
Michael: Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office.
Dwight: While you were gone...
Michael: Me had an i-rey time.
Dwight: While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up.
Michael: Dwight, please, please.
Dwight: He turned over my...
Michael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon.
 
Dwight: I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell.
 
Deleted Scene 3
 
Michael: Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig.
Dwight: Unbelievable.
Michael: Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there.
Andy: I give thanks, mon.
Michael: You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]
Angela: No, I didn't.
Michael: Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something.
Pam: That's okay.
Michael: I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!
Pam: No.
Michael: [laughs] Try it on.
Pam: No.
Michael: Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja.
 
Michael: I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.
 
Creed: Did he actually give you some ganja?
Stanley: No.
Creed: You want some?
 
Deleted Scene 4
 
Michael: Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one.
Kevin: But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun.
Michael: His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself.
 
Michael: I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal?
 
Deleted Scene 5
 
Michael: How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata?
Jim: [raises hand] Are you stoned?
Michael: I...
Jim: In the picture, are you high?
Michael: Oh, that's red eye.
Jim: Is that not what happens when you're high?
Kevin: You look like you have the munchies.
Michael: Well...
Kelly: I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers.
Michael: Hey, can we just focus?
 
Pam: Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes.
 
Ryan: I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt]
 
Deleted Scene 6
 
Phyllis: Where did you save the list of exchanges?
Stanley: I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through.
Phyllis: But I won't be able to do inventory without it.
Stanley: Then you won't be able to do inventory.
 
Phyllis: Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him.
 
Deleted Scene 7
 
Dwight: Come on. Come on.
Michael: Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott.
Dwight: Try Dwight.
Michael: Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay.
 
Michael: Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold.
 
Deleted Scene 8
 
Someone: So your trip to Scottsdale was good?
Jan: Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister.
Someone: Burnt.
Jan: Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and...
 
Meredith: When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world.
 
Angela: Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out.
 
Kevin: I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her.
 
Dwight: The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking.
 
Deleted Scene 9
 
Pam: Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park?
Jim: Oh, loves it.
Pam: Okay. This one is the same price but it's got...
Jim: Green walls.
Pam: I think that's mold.
Jim: Ooh... fancy.
 
Dwight: Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to shoot out webs from his palms]
 
Deleted Scene 10
 
Dwight: Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work!
 
Pam: Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05.
 
Deleted Scene 11
 
Roy: What's the problem?
Ryan: We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to.
Roy: Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me.
 
Stanley: I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show.
 
Michael: [Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please.
Kelly: Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine.
 
Deleted Scene 12
 
Andy: Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can.
Dwight: Please, I can double your pace.
Andy: Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready?
Dwight: Let's go.
Andy: One, two, three, go!
Jim: [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice.
Andy: Get out of my way, Jim!
Dwight: Jim, move!
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: Okay.
Andy: Dang it.
Dwight: Two at a time!
Andy: Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified.
 
Deleted Scene 13
 
Meredith: [to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck!
 
Michael: Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency]
Stanley: There is a butterfly on this. Why?
Michael: It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction.
Stanley: So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000.
Michael: Yes, good luck with that.
 
Deleted Scene 14
 
Toby: You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year.
Kevin: Oh, so you've been to a real luau.
Toby: Yeah.
Kevin: Yeah.
Angela: I tried. We didn't have time.
 
Deleted Scene 15
 
Dwight: You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints.
Creed: I don't know what to tell you.
 
Creed: One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid.