Season 3 - Episode 05
Written by B.J. Novak
Directed by Randall Einhorn
Dwight: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No, I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...
Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter.
Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!
Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael: Uhhh... nothing.
Michael: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Jan: I don't care how your day was Michael.
Michael: Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?
Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?
Michael: Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Jan: Hi, Pam.
Jan: I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?
Pam: Oh, I don't know if I'm...
Jan: Thanks Pam.
Pam: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five.
Dwight: So you excited?
Dwight: Very excited?
Ryan: Yes. I'm very excited.
Dwight: Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.
Ryan: I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited.
Dwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Ryan: So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office?
Dwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.
Karen: [squeaky chair] Hey.
Karen: My chair is squeaking.
Jim: Is it?
Karen: You took my chair.
Jim: No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
Karen: When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so...
Jim: So I guess I can't get up.
Michael: Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.
Dwight: Do you know where we are, temp?
Ryan: I know where we're not.
Dwight: I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it.
Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.
Andy: Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Karen: That's it? That's what you came up with?
Andy: I'm acting my heart out here.
Andy: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.
Announcer: Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.
Pam: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.
Michael: Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.
Michael: [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on.
Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.
Dwight: Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Ryan: Uh huh.
Dwight: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Dwight: Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.
Ryan: Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course.
Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Kelly: Because they acted all tough and everything...
Michael: Uh huh.
Kelly: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to...
Michael: [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?
Phyllis: I'm just saying hi to Bob.
Michael: No, I think you're cutting in line.
Bob: Well settle down, Scott.
Michael: No, I'm not going to settle down.
Stanley: No way.
Michael: Get in the back please.
Stanley: Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.
Michael: Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right.
Bob: What a pair of Mary's.
Stanley: This is Pretzel Day.
Ryan: Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.
Dwight: Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.
Karen: [rocks in squeaky chair]
Jim: [sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,
Jim: Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me
Karen: This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.
Jim: fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,
Karen: This is not a proportionate response.
Jim: Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.
Andy: I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?
Michael: No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind.
Pam: Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.
Michael: I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.
Pam: Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel.
Michael: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.
Pam: You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today.
Michael: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back.
Dwight: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
Ryan: Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.
Dwight: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Dwight: Come on!
Stanley: Thank you! [takes pretzel]
Michael: Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel guy: We do.
Michael: Thank God.
Pretzel guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.
Michael: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?
Pretzel guy: The Works. You got it.
Michael: All right! Thank you!
Dwight: Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight]
Ryan: Who was that?
Dwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your Cousin Mose?
Dwight: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.
Dwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Kelly: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Angela: Sales take a long time.
Kelly: Oh my God, I'm so worried.
Angela: I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
Kelly: I don't know. Dwight's so weird.
Angela: He's not weird, he's just individualistic.
Kelly: No, he's a freak.
Angela: You're a freak!
Dwight: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan: Um, loneliness. Maybe women.
Dwight: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.
Ryan: No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK.
Dwight: Wrestle him to the ground.
Ryan: No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.
Dwight: Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Cousin Mose: Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.
Dwight: Where are all the animals?
Dwight: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
Dwight: You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
Ryan: Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Dwight: Screwgun. The sales call!
Kevin: [Michael is listening to "Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey!
Michael: Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?
Dwight: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Ryan: Wait, can you go back?
Dwight: Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Ryan: Ok, I'm going to establish time frames.
Ryan: I'm going to put everything in terms of "real dollars".
Ryan: I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Ryan: Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.
Dwight: Exactly. Yes.
Ryan: I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky.
Michael: Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...
Michael: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Kevin: Account...? Michael, what is going on?
Michael: And I will be taking questions.
Pam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
Phyllis: What's on your suit?
Michael: Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!
Ryan: They really didn't like me.
Dwight: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.
Ryan: You drive.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.
Dwight: [Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.
Kevin: Night, Pam.
Michael: Hey, what time is it?
Pam: 20 past 5.
Michael: AM or PM?
Michael: Oh, good.
Pam: These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?
Michael: Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Pam: This is a huge sale.
Michael: Yes. Right. Good.
Pam: Night, Michael.
Pam: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin.
Jim: Ah, hey.
Pam: Oh my God.
Jim: Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.
Jim: And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?
Pam: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim: Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Pam: Yeah, totally. So...
Pam: Do you...
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Pam: Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here.
Jim: Oh, good.
Pam: A little different. What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam: Oh, yeah. Right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim: Yeah. I have a question for you.
Jim: How many words per minute does the average person type?
Pam: I type 90.
Jim: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
Pam: It's true.
Jim: Ok, I said average.
Pam: 70? How many do you type?
Jim: Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.
Pam: Come on. Tell me.
Pam: You have to tell me now.
Jim: 65. Ok, no need to laugh.
Pam: No, it's, that's respectable.
Pam: So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself...
Pam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...
Pam: And, I'm freaking out.
Pam: That movie is so scary!
Jim: I know!
Pam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim: No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim: No, you're making this up!
Pam: Would I make that up?
Jim: Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.
Pam: Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
Jim: And how many kitchens?
Pam: I have one kitchen.
Jim: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.
Pam: It's actually...
Jim: Most apartments these days have like three.
Pam: Three kitchens?
Jim: Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Pam: [Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok?
Ryan: Yeah. Yeah.
Pam: Um. Ok, bye.
Jim: Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.
Pam: No, I was um...
Jim: Oh, no no.
Pam: You have to go?
Jim: Yeah, uh, well.
Pam: No, I should probably go too.
Pam: I mean, yeah.
Jim: Yeah. Bye Pam.
Pam: Bye Jim.
Stanley: Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day.
Deleted Scene 1
Jan: What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time.
Michael: Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out.
Jan: Zoning out?
Michael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it.
Jan: If you can account for your time...
Michael: Yes, big if.
Jan: ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary.
Michael: A woman spurned.
Deleted Scene 2
Pam: It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier.
Deleted Scene 3
Dwight: Take a good look at this boy...
Michael: I always do.
Dwight: ...because you are never going to see him again.
Michael: If you lay a finger...
Dwight: Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man.
Michael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on.
Pam: Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal.
Dwight: I once saw a movie called "Training Day". It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.
Deleted Scene 4
Dwight: Get in the car.
Ryan: I don't have a key.
Dwight: Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear]
Ryan: He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great.
Dwight: No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking.
Dwight: Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car.
Deleted Scene 5
Dwight: Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here.
Ryan: What was that first thing you did?
Dwight: [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing.
Dwight: What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better.
Ryan: It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know.
Deleted Scene 6
Michael: "9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log." "10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points." That's on the wrong page.
Pam: Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you.
Michael: Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that.
Deleted Scene 7
Ryan: You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. "Hey, mom." "Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?" "Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field." "Oh, that's cool." "Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job."
Deleted Scene 8
Dwight: Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.
Deleted Scene 9
Kevin: [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot.
Stanley: There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough.
Deleted Scene 10
Michael: What makes them so good?
Stanley: I do not know.
Michael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.
Stanley: That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh]
Deleted Scene 11
Karen: Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie.
Jim: See, that's weird.
Karen: But if you said "Go ahead, make my day," I would know that it's from "Dirty Harry". How can you not know that's from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"?
Andy: Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey.
Jim: I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film.
Andy: Seriously, you guys, ask me.
Karen: You didn't know that "Bueller?" was from Ferris Bueller?
Andy: Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws.